wife is confused
- Thread starter jjbusa
- Start date
I haven't read all the replies to this. I went through the same thing with my first wife, except that she was meeting them. It was going on for at least 6 months, with me in denial. I suspected and questioned, but believed her lies because in my heart I wanted the lies to be the truth.
When I finally couldn't deny it any more, I confronted her and gave her the choice of me or her single lifestyle. She too was confused and couldn't decide. I took that as her decision that it wasn't me she wanted and told her to leave.
I've been remarried for over 16 years now to a wonderful wife. She hates the Busa, but understands my love for it
I don't know if I am better off or not for having divorced and remarried. I sometimes wonder since the two of them have opposite personalities. The first wife was my first love, and she still lives in a small corner of my heart even though I haven't seen her in 15 years or talked to her in over 5 years.
I don't think she'll ever know how much pain she caused by her confusion. If your wife is willing to take counceling seriously and not use it as a cover to continue her romance secretly, I'd suggest trying to save what you have.
When I finally couldn't deny it any more, I confronted her and gave her the choice of me or her single lifestyle. She too was confused and couldn't decide. I took that as her decision that it wasn't me she wanted and told her to leave.
I've been remarried for over 16 years now to a wonderful wife. She hates the Busa, but understands my love for it
I don't think she'll ever know how much pain she caused by her confusion. If your wife is willing to take counceling seriously and not use it as a cover to continue her romance secretly, I'd suggest trying to save what you have.
Projekt
Registered
Post number two sounds good.
Post Number three sounds better.
Just do not allow her misbehavior to make you feel down and low. I was there, felt like a failure when my marriage fell apart. Fact is though the most of them fall apart. This newfangled internet thing makes it happen easier. Cut loose of it and head home to family that cares for you and will be there during these upcoming holidays. You'll appreciate their support or just get tired of family matters so you'll get a new place quick. Once you find your groove alone, you'll be in a very good position to make better choices and let a good woman find you.
It'll feel good to be on your own and will take a sometime to get past it all, you'll be that vulnerable guy with the badass bike and have all those helpful ladies queuing (lining up) to console you..
Post Number three sounds better.
Just do not allow her misbehavior to make you feel down and low. I was there, felt like a failure when my marriage fell apart. Fact is though the most of them fall apart. This newfangled internet thing makes it happen easier. Cut loose of it and head home to family that cares for you and will be there during these upcoming holidays. You'll appreciate their support or just get tired of family matters so you'll get a new place quick. Once you find your groove alone, you'll be in a very good position to make better choices and let a good woman find you.
It'll feel good to be on your own and will take a sometime to get past it all, you'll be that vulnerable guy with the badass bike and have all those helpful ladies queuing (lining up) to console you..
All I can say is be prepared for years and years of anger, suspicion, and did I mention anger?
this whole cheating thing is going to be probably the single most stressful thing you will ever have to deal with your entire life. She needs to understand that at this point it would be easier for you to walk away then to deal with years of what I can only describe as emotional rape!!!!
Telling you bro this is a hard one to get through but it can be done.
this whole cheating thing is going to be probably the single most stressful thing you will ever have to deal with your entire life. She needs to understand that at this point it would be easier for you to walk away then to deal with years of what I can only describe as emotional rape!!!!
Telling you bro this is a hard one to get through but it can be done.
+1000000
man, you're only 26 and dont have kids. cut her loose and find someone a little older and more mature.
illegal aliens have a lot of downsides but one thing i can say for the women is you can find a gorgeous senorita and 9 out 10 times you wont have to worry one bit about her straying. especially if you can find one that only speaks a little english, cant drive, and knows nothing about computers. you wont have a worry in the world. unless she finds out you cheated on her, then you'd have to sleep with one eye open for fear of her cutting off your pito
(psycobusa @ Oct. 17 2006,15:53)+1000000
man, you're only 26 and dont have kids. cut her loose and find someone a little older and more mature.
illegal aliens have a lot of downsides but one thing i can say for the women is you can find a gorgeous senorita and 9 out 10 times you wont have to worry one bit about her straying. especially if you can find one that only speaks a little english, cant drive, and knows nothing about computers. you wont have a worry in the world. unless she finds out you cheated on her, then you'd have to sleep with one eye open for fear of her cutting off your pito
Willie G
Registered
There's some real good advice in this thread...for all of us. Lot's of real-world experience talking.
The only thing I'll add is that many of us feel your pain because we've been there. We're also proof that there's life on the other side of this current problem - it's tough, it's painful, you hurt so much you don't know how you can make it another day...but you can...and we're the proof.
Best wishes. We'll be here to welcome you into the ranks of the survivors when it's all over.
The only thing I'll add is that many of us feel your pain because we've been there. We're also proof that there's life on the other side of this current problem - it's tough, it's painful, you hurt so much you don't know how you can make it another day...but you can...and we're the proof.
Best wishes. We'll be here to welcome you into the ranks of the survivors when it's all over.
Aquaman
Banned Permanently By MC Mustang
ok,this is my 2nd post on this thread,and I'm just gonna try to make it a little clearer.
You cant make a woman want you,lust you,sleep with you,stay with you or anything for that matter.All that is up to her,and ultimately unless you are filthy rich,the cards are all in their hands...trust me. This 'is' the way it is.
Once a woman does what she is doing to you,it's over PERIOD!
You can waste time on counseling and all that crap,but in the end,if she really wanted to be with you,she wouldn't even think to betray you like this.
Just like you wouldn't even think to do it to her....
You are young and have plenty of time and there are plenty of much better fish in your sea.
Stop the B/S about how much you love her cause that aint gonna cut it,it is obviously not a 50/50 thing on her part so pleading with her about how much you love her,is a waste of time and makes you less of a man (no pun intended) especially when the cards are all in her hands.
Keep your head up high,dont do any stupid things,and tell that biotch to hit the road.
You are much more deserving of a woman than this!
I have loved many of girls in my life and after each one's break up,I always thought 'she was the one'...
I was wrong.
IMOHO,I dont think man was really meant to be with 1 woman,but if you are going to be,why not be with someone who aint going to pull this crap,and there is never any gaurantee anyway.
Sorry to be soo blunt,but it is the truth,and if you dont believe me,just remember how you couldn't eat anything today...now do this everyday for the rest of her stay...... not!
You cant make a woman want you,lust you,sleep with you,stay with you or anything for that matter.All that is up to her,and ultimately unless you are filthy rich,the cards are all in their hands...trust me. This 'is' the way it is.
Once a woman does what she is doing to you,it's over PERIOD!
You can waste time on counseling and all that crap,but in the end,if she really wanted to be with you,she wouldn't even think to betray you like this.
Just like you wouldn't even think to do it to her....
You are young and have plenty of time and there are plenty of much better fish in your sea.
Stop the B/S about how much you love her cause that aint gonna cut it,it is obviously not a 50/50 thing on her part so pleading with her about how much you love her,is a waste of time and makes you less of a man (no pun intended) especially when the cards are all in her hands.
Keep your head up high,dont do any stupid things,and tell that biotch to hit the road.
You are much more deserving of a woman than this!
I have loved many of girls in my life and after each one's break up,I always thought 'she was the one'...
I was wrong.
IMOHO,I dont think man was really meant to be with 1 woman,but if you are going to be,why not be with someone who aint going to pull this crap,and there is never any gaurantee anyway.
Sorry to be soo blunt,but it is the truth,and if you dont believe me,just remember how you couldn't eat anything today...now do this everyday for the rest of her stay...... not!
I'll be dayumed if he didn't hit it on the head. I did not eat shid today, cause of the sick azz inner feeling I had.
Nooooooooooooooo! anything but that!! Not the deeeeeeeeep dark wierd scary place!!! nooooooooooo
auntie emmm auntie emmm
This is easy for me to say because it is the internet ... tell her bye and hand her her clothes and car payment book then shut the door.
In real Life you need to sit down with her at the table and start talking about how things are going to be split up. Approach the conversation in a very non confrontational manner and explain that since she decided she wanted something else from somebody else you have no choice but to let her go. This behaviour is NOT ok. When she argues ask her if it ok if you go play around with the hot 21 year old that just moved in around the corner. Her answer will be her pink slip.
In real Life you need to sit down with her at the table and start talking about how things are going to be split up. Approach the conversation in a very non confrontational manner and explain that since she decided she wanted something else from somebody else you have no choice but to let her go. This behaviour is NOT ok. When she argues ask her if it ok if you go play around with the hot 21 year old that just moved in around the corner. Her answer will be her pink slip.
Walk away man. It is already over. I have been down that road. I tried to stick it out and then even went back. All I have to show is some wasted time and credit card debt. You will never trust her again and it will make things worse. There are way too many people out there to be stuck with an unfaithful one.
After you split stay busy...join a gym, get a hobby something to keep your mind wondering. Hope it all works out for you.
After you split stay busy...join a gym, get a hobby something to keep your mind wondering. Hope it all works out for you.
I have to tell you, as a student of Psychology, the internet/phone contact with this other guy is NOT the issue. There are deeper issues in you and you're wife's relationship.
This is a great place and has helped a great many ppl.
Here is my $.02 for what it is worth.
1) You need to decide whether or not this relationship is worth fighting for.
2) You need to decide whether or not your wife thinks this relationship is fighting for.
3) Yes she needs to go and get some counseling, BUT so do you. She didn't get to where she is by herself. She was filling a need that you were not providing (even if you didn't know it)
4) You should prepare yourself in case this doesn't work, ie. phone records, email logs and internat chat logs (there is software that will allow you to track the last two)
Please don't think that I am slamming you because I said you bear some responsibility in this situation, but the fact of the matter remains, it takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to let a marriage fail.
There is a country music song that says "Love is not something we're in, it is something we do".
There will be part of you that ask, "Ok Don, what makes you the expert?" I am not the expert by any means, but I have several years of education and a degree in Psychology.
More importantly, in 2003, I was your wife, lol, not really but I was in that situation. My wife and I were married for 13 1/2 years. We got a divorce. The divorce was my choice. Long story short, thru all the property settlement agreement preparation, child support discussion, she and I had to learn to communicate again. As we learned that, we realized that we were still each other's best friend and that we still deeply loved each other.
We lived together (in sin as her mother jokes) for two years. Spent numerous hours in individual and couples counseling.
Two years and one day after we were divorced, we remarried and put our family (officially) back together (we have a son).
We have never been happier.
I am a huge advocate of making it work, but do not stay together (kids or not) just because you may be afraid to be alone.
Ok, so maybe that was $.50 worth, but I hope it helps.
Don
This is a great place and has helped a great many ppl.
Here is my $.02 for what it is worth.
1) You need to decide whether or not this relationship is worth fighting for.
2) You need to decide whether or not your wife thinks this relationship is fighting for.
3) Yes she needs to go and get some counseling, BUT so do you. She didn't get to where she is by herself. She was filling a need that you were not providing (even if you didn't know it)
4) You should prepare yourself in case this doesn't work, ie. phone records, email logs and internat chat logs (there is software that will allow you to track the last two)
Please don't think that I am slamming you because I said you bear some responsibility in this situation, but the fact of the matter remains, it takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to let a marriage fail.
There is a country music song that says "Love is not something we're in, it is something we do".
There will be part of you that ask, "Ok Don, what makes you the expert?" I am not the expert by any means, but I have several years of education and a degree in Psychology.
More importantly, in 2003, I was your wife, lol, not really but I was in that situation. My wife and I were married for 13 1/2 years. We got a divorce. The divorce was my choice. Long story short, thru all the property settlement agreement preparation, child support discussion, she and I had to learn to communicate again. As we learned that, we realized that we were still each other's best friend and that we still deeply loved each other.
We lived together (in sin as her mother jokes) for two years. Spent numerous hours in individual and couples counseling.
Two years and one day after we were divorced, we remarried and put our family (officially) back together (we have a son).
We have never been happier.
I am a huge advocate of making it work, but do not stay together (kids or not) just because you may be afraid to be alone.
Ok, so maybe that was $.50 worth, but I hope it helps.
Don
Everything in a relationship is a 2 way street. Every problem has 2 sides. You have posted your problem here and we would assume that since you did you will listen to the advice inpart or all that you get here. Could this also be what she did? Post her problem(her side of the problem) somewhere and get a sympathietic ear and go from there.
A bored spouse or one that feels neglected in any way is an easy target whether they be male or female. It don't matter your age(you said your both young) cause there are predators that take advantage of young an old everyday via tha internet.
My advice to you is TALK to her and also LISTEN to her. Truely listen and you will be suprised how much you can learn from what is said and not said.
All that being said I wish you the best of luck in whatever outcome you decide that is best.
A bored spouse or one that feels neglected in any way is an easy target whether they be male or female. It don't matter your age(you said your both young) cause there are predators that take advantage of young an old everyday via tha internet.
My advice to you is TALK to her and also LISTEN to her. Truely listen and you will be suprised how much you can learn from what is said and not said.
All that being said I wish you the best of luck in whatever outcome you decide that is best.
This has to be the most inspriational thing I have seen. It is almost like what I could wish for in my situation. Me and the wifes status is decaying more daily. Even as things seem to be falling apart around her she still is head strong to keep f-ing up.
I see us losing/giving up eveything we have with and for each other before she realizes the errors in her ways. And at that point it would seem that it would be too late to salvage anything.
Please understand I never claimed to be a saint, I hav emade mistakes too. But I never put anyone before her.
extreemachine
Never Forgotten
I agree with most of the above except the part about it getting ugly. That will only push her more towards him. Thats what happens most of the times. Other than that he hit the nail on the head exactly with his advice. I am in my own DEEP mess with 3 kids and losing my wife. But I assume she reads this board to see what I write so I can't go into details but I would do anything I could to get her back.
My advice is go with your gut feeling. I know this is all new to you but try and see how you are really feeling. If you love her do whatever it takes, if you are unsure or to hurt let her go. You are young and time heals all. If you ever want to talk you could always call me or PM me. Goodlluck my friend!
jj, I wish I had the words that would make your pain go away but I don't. I was married almost as long as you are old before I ended my marriage. Even with all the rotton things my X did while we were married, I was sick to my stomach for weeks after I decided to end it. I can only look back and try to figure out why that was so. I felt I was at fault because I did not give her what she needed. I wondered if I would ever find someone again who would love me for who I am. I questioned if I could cope with life by myself. Bottom line, I was a mess. It is easy for other people to tell you what to do in this situation, but you will be the one to figure out what is best for YOU. That was the key for me, when I finally got over the guilt about needing to take care of me after a lifetime of trying to take care of my family, and putting my emotional needs on the back burner. My hope for you is that the hurt and the sick feeling you are experiencing now will ease, and you will take care of yourself! You are fortunate that you have an org family to use as a sounding board, but you will know when the time is right, what you need to do. I will tell you this. It is my experience, that the more you press the issue, and the more you try to accept all the blame, the more you try to force the other party to butt out, the farther you will push her from you. Take a deep breath, try not to think about this every moment that you are awake, eat something, and know this will work itself out one way or the other over time. You have alot of people you may not have ever met that are here for you and care about you.
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