wife is confused


jjbusa

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#1
well fellas i seen that you guys are always their for us ORGers.
heres my problem ..... sorry in advance for the RANT

well ive been with my other half for about 6yrs and 1 and 1/2 married. we have a home and i thought all was going well but we have been fighting for some time now just about over 6 months. she hates the busa but thats the least of my problems. i found out that she was talking to some one via the internet and the phone so i confronted her and it all spilled out she says that she does have feeling for this guy but he is just an illution she made up to replace me. but i love her so we talked it through and then a week later she still speakin to him once again i let it go and try to work it out now i find out she still hasnt let him go and now she is confused. she says shes not happy and that she thinks she cant make me happy and that she has hurt me tomuch and she doesnt know if she wants to stay or go. well that killed me but what can i do so while she was at her parents house i started packing but as i was putting my close in the truck she shows and staarts to cry and tells me she doesnt want me to leave that she needs me their she needs me by her side but i ask if thats what she decided and she say no she is still confused she is scared to say she wants out and later regret it that just make me feel as small as possible and im a big guy. i know that marrige isnt easy in the beginning but we have lived together for about 5 yrs before we got married so their should be too hard. then i tell her ill stay if she leaves him (im feeling even worse cause im asking my wife to lleave the other guy) and she says she cant lie to me and tell me she wont talk to him anymore cause she said she cares for him but she says he isnt a factor in our problems(am i the only one that dont get it??) and like a moreon i stay and im here at work in limbo. im dieing here guys im lost. just in case im am 26 but i have been through alot so im 26 going on 30...( if that makes sence.) i dont get it guys she cant make up her mind but yet she doesnt want me to leave(why). shes 23 so i know shes young and her friends are young and single so i gave her ALOT of freedom cause i didnt want her to feel tied to an anchor but this is what i get for thinking of her. guys im left her in shambles. i know that im young and i know this isnt the end of the world and that i wont die over this but i love this women and i know i have to let her go but i guess i just want her to say it. all the money i make goes into the house and her and i do side jobs for the busa addiction and if this is over then i will loose my home and have to go running back to my parents which they would love cause im the baby...lol... do you think cousleing would help? but what kills me is that she has feelings for this guy she never met that lives in NY(yes i looked into it everything...) should i cut her off and be done with it and loose what i woked for or should i stay in limbo till she decides? guys thanks for letting me rant i need this out of my head and you guys always give good feed back.
 

PDBusa

who, me?
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#2
1- Counseling.
2- E-mail Mr. internet homewrecker and let him know you know what's going on. tell him he should terminate all communications before you get "ugly".
3- Maybe he's married and his wife should know.
4- Take the computers and get rid of them. At least lock her out of whatever means she has to communicate.
5- Counseling. She needs some help.
Good luck.

Print out and document everything. She is the one who is walking, not you. You shouldn't lose the house or anything. It is what it is, don't let her take you for anything.
 

TIMMYDUCK

Head Woodchuck
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#3
Counseling sounds like a real good idea.............................for her.
She's is in Fantasyland.
It's the same old story with women, with the I think the grass is greener elsewhere.
But I don't just blame her.
I blame the @** that needs to meddle in a married woman's life.
Married= Taken move along
Single = Procced with caution.
P.S.
If you want some hard hitting Vt woodchucks to visit NY, I'm down for a ride.
 

BlueHaya

I'm outta here!!!!
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#4
I think you know in your heart its over. If it was just the internet maybe it could be brushed off, but with actual phone calls she is all but out the door. Do you feel that when she was at her parents maybe more than phone calls took place with the person?

Marriage is a 2 part effort and you can not make someone do something they do not want. It sounds like she may not be completely ready to fully commit to marriage. Whatever she does remember you are not the one at fault (based on your info.). Perhaps you both can bring your families into this to help you work through it. I for one am not big on counselors.

Best wishes
 

VaBusa

oRg Gal
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#6
Been there, done this...without going in to details, it has been a long drawn out process in my life that I wish I could just erase, but I can't...he hid a lot from me and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever have those answers I so wish I could have, but we've worked to get through it and believe me, it's an ongoing process to trust the one you married again...takes YEARS and even then I'm not so sure I've completely forgiven him...

Counseling worked for a while, but my experience was that the more he had to answer to, the angrier he got at me and eventually communications broke down.  We just stopped going...there's no pain like trying to compete with someone you don't even know, with someone that she doesn't even know because to be honest, how much can you know about someone you've never met?  She's caught up in an online world, a fake existence that thus far is all shiny and new, no fighting, all positive and shows everything in a guy she thinks she'd like...if she were to ever meet him, trust me, she'd find the grass isn't greener, just different...

I feel for you...it's a tough time and there are no real good answers for you right now but to take things one day at a time.  I wouldn't bother threatening the other guy...in my case, I actually "used" the other gal for info on my hubby...I got inside of his head via her and it made it so I could tackle some issues he was willing to share with her but not me...forced him to talk to me and it's been an ongoing process since...

There are days when I wish I hadn't had kids at the time all of this happened and I could have just walked away.  Trust me, there are times when I think that would have been easier than working through the muddle of life with someone you can't trust, but the flip side is that I've remained committed to my marriage as much as I can, hope he's doing the same and we're getting through life one day at a time...

TALK TO HER...tell her what you expect from this marriage, remind her of why you two got together to begin with and the hopes and dreams you had.  Be prepared to change some things about yourself along the way because as we grow older, needs change and that's unavoidable...find out what it is she feels is missing and work toward adding that to your lives and spell out to her what it will take for you to trust her again.  Be prepared to question everything in your mind, every call, every email, and if like me, you eventually hate the old home computer, get rid of it for a while...I have told my hubby over and over that if things do fail for us, he can always know that the Internet ruined our marriage.  If necessary, remove that factor from your marriage for now and work on regaining trust...

I wish you all the best...I feel for you, I honestly do...I wish there were easy answers, but I can assure you that there are not...you decide what route you are willing to take and put everything you have in to it...if you choose to walk away, that's understandable as well because things will never be the same, but they can be good again if you are BOTH willing to try...if she's only half-hearted in trying, then the fight is over. It takes two, I have no doubt about that...

You're in my thoughts...
sad.gif
 

tjdobb

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#8
Wright it off as a leason learned. Trust is 99% of a relationship and when that is gone theres no turning back IMO. I know from being married 11 years with someone I could never trust 100%. Only ended in divoce after counsleing and all kinds of headaches on my part. Let alone the money I lost over the time period. It willl never work without trust. Move on and find someone you can trust 100% and that trusts you 100%. That is a true relationship. I know because I found that finally and the last eight years of my life have been wonderful. Good luck and move on.
 

Aquaman

Banned Permanently By MC Mustang
#9
should i cut her off and be done with it and loose what i woked for or should i stay in limbo till she decides? [/Quote]

I know you dont want to hear this,but if it were me,(and I am a black or white type of guy)I would tell her to beat it!
If she really loved you,she wouldn't be pulling this shite....So even if she does tell you that she doesn't want him anymore,you will be sick to your stomach everyday wondering what is really going on when you aint around.
IMO,the damage is already done,she wants to trade you in.... That's B/S

again,I am not suggesting what you should do,but only if it were me.

Good luck either way,sorry to hear your messed up troubles.
 

BulletTrain

Call me Daddy...
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#10
I'm the type that cannot get past cheating, which I believe this is. I've told everyone I've ever dated and told my wife to be that if they cheat on me ONE time (cheating meaning getting involved in any inappropriate way) it will be over immediately with no chances of working things out. I've had girls cheat on me. When they realize they screwed up they came back with the old "I made a mistake" line. Bullshiiiiiiiid! It's a decision, not a mistake.

Anyway, I'm getting married next month but if she done something that stupid the day after the wedding I would end it without as much as a flinch. The only thing that could even complicate the process (complicate, not cancel...) would be what Vabusa had to deal with... kids with the person. I can't say it would be so easy, but I will say that I don't think it would keep me from putting them in the road (her, not the kids).

I have NEVER cheated on anyone I've dated and certainly won't cheat on my wife. I expect the same in return, period.
 

monster

Wherever I May Roam
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#11
(TIMMYDUCK @ Oct. 17 2006,09:54) Counseling sounds like a real good idea.............................for her.
She's is in Fantasyland.
It's the same old story with women, with the I think the grass is greener elsewhere.
But I don't just blame her.
I blame the @** that needs to meddle in a married woman's life.
Married= Taken move along
Single =  Procced with caution.
P.S.
If you want some hard hitting Vt woodchucks to visit NY, I'm down for a ride.
+1 I'd lay the smack down to the s.o.b, then tell her it's you or him flat out. There's no 3rd choice. I've been with my wife for 13 yrs, married for 6½.
 
#12
WELL MAN ALL I CAN SAY IS LIVE AND LET DIE

WELL IF SHE THINKS SHE ID BETTER OFF WITH HIM LET HER GO MAYBE SHE WILL BUT MAYBE SHE WONT. IF SHE IS TRYING THIS NOW WHAT SHE GOING TO DO IN 5 YEARS FROM NOW I MEAN YOU GUYS ARE BOTH YOUNG AND ALAS I KNOW I AM TOO WHEN I GOT DIVORCED I CUT MY LOSSES(LIKE NOT SEING MY SON

WELL DONT KNWO WHAT ELSE TO TELL YOU
 

VaBusa

oRg Gal
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#13
(BulletTrain @ Oct. 17 2006,10:21) I'm the type that cannot get past cheating, which I believe this is. I've told everyone I've ever dated and told my wife to be that if they cheat on me ONE time (cheating meaning getting involved in any inappropriate way) it will be over immediately with no chances of working things out. I've had girls cheat on me. When they realize they screwed up they came back with the old "I made a mistake" line. Bullshiiiiiiiid! It's a decision, not a mistake.

Anyway, I'm getting married next month but if she done something that stupid the day after the wedding I would end it without as much as a flinch. The only thing that could even complicate the process (complicate, not cancel...) would be what Vabusa had to deal with... kids with the person. I can't say it would be so easy, but I will say that I don't think it would keep me from putting them in the road (her, not the kids).

I have NEVER cheated on anyone I've dated and certainly won't cheat on my wife. I expect the same in return, period.
Funny, my only rule has always been "if he ever lays a hand on me in anger" then I'd never look back...
smile.gif


Should have added yours to the list BT, however, the subject of "what is cheating" comes in to play and there are so many schools of thought that only consider physical contact cheating, though I know my heart knows otherwise...

It is far more difficult with kids involved; I'm only speaking of my experiences and of course that includes children...I often wonder if I would have beat feet had I not had kids to think about...

#1 thing to remember is that it will take two to fix things, if they're fixable...if she's in that state of limbo, I'd let her go as well...it's not fair to you to hang on to someone that is willing to play games like that with you, especially after what she's done..
 
#14
Been there done that.

There is only one resolution to this problem and it sounds like you already know what it is. Kick her to the curb and don't look back. I was in an 11 year marriage that ended over similar circumstances....but that was after 2 years of constant b.s. and never ending "we can fix it" meetings. b.s. b.s. b.s. Had I gone with my initial thought of kick her to the curb, 2 years of misery could have been used instead for healing purposes.

It will get better the minute you rid yourself of someone that cannot be true to you. For me, it took 5 years of dating.......but I have remarried and my wife has completely changed the way I feel about friends, marriage and trust.
 

Devious

Onward through the Fog
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#15
As young as you both are. Cut and run now...
Believe me, you will get over it sooner than you think...
Keep yourself busy, and the time will pass and before you realize it, life will be good again...
I am proof that once they start doing things like she is doing, it will continue...
In one way or another...
And you will always have a doubt in the back of your mind about her...
So end it now, no matter what she says or how much she cries...
Always remember, if she really loved you, she would not have gone as far as she has with him...

I can beat you all when it comes to hoping for the best and trying to work things out...
I married and divorced the same woman 3 times...
That's right, 3 times...
However, we had 2 wonderful kids...
So each time I just sucked it up like a fool, and tried to make everything okay, more for the kids than for me...
Once my daughted, Sandra was out of College, and married a Navy Helicopter Pilot, and my son, Gary was through Pre-Med, and in his 1st year at Texas A&M College of Medicine, at College Station in College Station, Texas...

I filed for divorce and got the fugg out...

After a few months, I started to see a young woman I had known for several years and and we were married before the end of the first year...
As a result of that, I know have a baby girl, Sierra Nicole, and I will do all I can for her, the same as I did for Sandra and Gary...
In summary, you are still young and have all the time in the world, so make the best of it...


David
 

WWJD

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#16
Lot of great info here. But I'm still gonna throw this in and accept my healthy flames for it.

BE the MAN. If you LET her decide anything, it will all fall apart. Deep down she wants YOU to BE her MAN and make everything right for her. Tell her the other fake relationship is GONE. Date her. Show her YOU are the man and she doesn't need to reach out to someone else - YOU can provide all she needs. What is she getting online? An ear? Compliments? Unbacked encouragement? That's your job. Not that you are not now, I'm just saying.... fidn the missing element and replace it. I only mention this technique because very few consider it in the equasion.

"Well, I don't know honey... what do YOU want to do? " yields your manhood and lets it all fall away from your control. Grab the reigns, steer the boat, and HOLD the woman to your side and show her you mean business.

unless of corse you hate her, then kick it to the curb and move on
smile.gif


I won't wish you luck, but SKILL, because it is all in your hands as the man
 

Devil Dog

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#17
I can't recover from a cheating wife. just me. My wife cheated after 8 yrs of marriage. The biggest mistake of our lives. Her decision changed all our lives forever. (me and my 2 kids) She still begs to come back and its been over 2 years now. I warned every woman that I have ever been with....I know myself, I know that it will never work after cheating. After she cheated...I had to backup all my words. I will not allow her in my life ever again. Its hard to do, especially with kids...

Sometimes you gotta ignore your heart and man-up. Be smart.
 

Southside Playa

Master Pot-Stirrer
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#18
It must be something in the f-ing water. Quiet as it is kept, tha playa has been going through the same shid, dayum near identical. Except we have a kid. Whether to stay or leave is a million dollar question, and I haven't a clue either.

WTF makes a woman who seems as if she will ride or die with you wake up one day and think someone else is the answerto all of their problems and that you the loving husband/father are no longer worth the trouble.

Sorry to jack your post bro, but I have been going through this for a minute, and I am starting to accept the fact that it may really be over, kid or no kid.

It is a hard azz pill, but I keep praying for guidance.
 

dinoap

Going to the Dragon without a bike is ju
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#19
Sad and all too common. Been there.....walked away......and have been better for it. I let mine find out for herself about the green grass on the otherside, and it turned brown on her. Rough times brother, were all here for ya.
 

LadyHawk

w00t!!
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#20
Personally, if he cheats (and we all have our own definition of "cheat". Mine is "become emotionally and/or physically intimate with") he is out. Life is too short to be with someone that doesn't love you, or that you can't trust.

You need to decide if you can fully trust her again. If so, then you give her the ultimatum, Him or You. Pick one and only one. If she says she can't, then YOU make the decision. But you can't live with this "maybe" shyte.

If you can't fully trust her again, it ain't worth it, cut and run.

Life is TOO short....
 

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