wife is confused

[WWJD]

(VaBusa @ Oct. 19 2006,10:38)

(WWJD @ Oct. 19 2006,13:34) Do you still LOVE her? If you do why are you letting HER decide? She obviously can't. You are the MAN, show her the way it should be - YOU decide - either keep her, or send her.

It could be the lack of YOU deciding that keeps her undecided.

Did your ceremony say "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to [him/her] so long as you both shall live?" IF so, this is the "Worse" part. Work through it, grow closer, move on

Sounds simple enough in theory, but it does take TWO to work through the problems in a marriage. If one is committed and the other is not, you will go no where...

You sound like you're one step from being that caveman dragging his gal by her hair to the cave my friend

but they DO like being dragged by the hair. it's called keeping your woman in line

 

[extreemachine]

(jjbusa @ Oct. 19 2006,10:07) thank you for eveything and i wish i could say we have come to a decision but we actually she hasnt. i know it messed up that im waiting on her ot come to the comclution but that will be the only i can get closure. the computer thing i wish i could get rid of her job puts her infront of one all day and sometimes with nothing to do but surf and talk to him. i have thought the same thing get rid of the phone and get rid of the email and the msgs but i will never know what she is doing at work for all i know she speaks to him from her work phone since she got busted. ive been going through the days slowly but surely . i wake up next to her and wish i could kiss her and tell her this will pass but its not me the one that should. but i broke down last night she was so depressed and and well i just gave in and held her and did the same this morning and she cryed saying sorry and she wish she new wat to do and she wrote to me when i got to work thanking me for that.lol i was so doumb founded but i just cant let myself do that again it took so much from me. i find myself growing colder instead of scared. i know 2 things can happed 1. she loves me and wants me and wants to work and we try and try and hope it works. 2 she too confused and she leaves me, i will be hurt even feel dead inside but i will move on with my life and keep moving forward. guys dont get me wrong I LOVE HER TO DEATH i do i will be their and support her through what ever but if its over then so be it i am not the typ that will continue to go back and miss you and sorry and lets try now. if we divorce then it ends their i have to for respect of me. CAP. i read your comment over and over and it meant alot to me but as you said im stading at the mid point right now and she is still walking in circles, i spoke to my parents they new something was up i didnt tell them their was someone else but i told them she is confused and scared as a man my father tells me GET OUT NOW. my mother says the same as many people and what i agree with meet her half way let her meet me the other half. her parent are going to sit her down tonight so they say and she is scared i know her parents arent going to pick side but if they do i cant blame them but they know im a good man i have always been their and never mistreated their daughter. all i need is closure i guess. i want her to say thats it all shat aside lets do this right or i dont think its going to work and we should split. wither way i cand move forward. Once again you guys are awsome thank you for everything and to all those that have opened their lives and their exp. thank you it means alot to know i may not know you but we are family.

I haven't really written anything hear yet about my divorce because I assume my wife reads this board to see what I write. When my nightmare started 6 years ago, I was caught TOTALLY off guard and clueless. At the time we were married 10 years, have 3 kids and happy?? Well one of us was happy. She started with the I'm confused stuff to. I held in there telling her I loved her, bringing her flowers, cards, notes, emails, the works. I never thought she would ever cheat on me. A friend pushed me into trying to find out because I guess at the time I was blind to it and he could see it from the outside. Well she was cheating. On the phone all of the time, Instant messaging, emailing him, meeting him at night. She works so she had all of the free time at work to carry on whatever she wanted to there. I rememeber one time before I knew she came home crying and after me caring and holding her and asking she tells me she is confused over us. About 1 week after that I found out she was cheating and that she had a fight with the boyfriend and was crying over him. I was clueless. My advice is to look out for number 1 my friend. She is looking out for number 1 herself. She is confused because she doesn't want to hurt you or lose you in life as a friend or someone to fall back on if this new guy doesn't work out. I have heard TONS of advice and taken bits and pieces from alot of it. Most guys are hard to talk to. All they say is F*ck her move on, Kill the guy etc.. But when you love her that is not so easy. Not for me anyway. We started a divorce went up until the part where she had to buy me out of the house for her to live there and thats when she had a change of heart. So in the past 2-3 years after that I have been trying and she is has been trying to build up her life outside our marriage. Going to the gym, going out with the people from work, people from the gym, going out etc.. Me I am home watching out kids. I have been pushing the issue of us lately and last night had a final hard converstaion that she has nothing to try with us and she has just sits there and says nothing. I know that doesn't make sense. But I wanted her to know that I was tired of being alone and living alone and was going to an attorney to start this rolling again.
Sorry to add my BS story here to your post. It just rips me apart. I will never understand women as much as I try!!??

 

[busavas]

GIVE HER THE BOOT!!! Move on with your life. Eventually you will find a better match.

 

[Mr Brown]

(extreemachine @ Oct. 20 2006,11:14) I will never understand women as much as I try!!??

You said a mouthful right there. No man will, ever.

 

[KROOZER]

(Mr Brown @ Oct. 20 2006,09:19)

(extreemachine @ Oct. 20 2006,11:14) I will never understand women as much as I try!!??

You said a mouthful right there. No man will, ever.

For U men who are talking and NOT listening or didnt read my post #38, I will repeat myself.......may I recommend the book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" (something like that)? Im not agreeing with everything in this book, but there are quite a few good insights that I thought were very interesting.

 

[Mr Brown]

(KROOZER @ Oct. 20 2006,11:58)

(Mr Brown @ Oct. 20 2006,09:19)

(extreemachine @ Oct. 20 2006,11:14) I will never understand women as much as I try!!??

You said a mouthful right there. No man will, ever.

For U men who are talking and NOT listening or didnt read my post #38, I will repeat myself.......may I recommend the book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" (something like that)? Im not agreeing with everything in this book, but there are quite a few good insights that I thought were very interesting.

I read it, it told me nothing more than what I already knew: Men and women are wired different. We can not understand them, simply because we don't think like they do. Not that either way is better or worse, it's just different. I don't know if it is genetic code, learned behaviour, or divine intervention, I just know we approach things completely differently.

 

[KROOZER]

MrBrown, Im gonna tell U a secret. U understand them, U just dont know it. Why, bcuz U just gave us the answer on your last reply.

 

[Mr Brown]

(KROOZER @ Oct. 20 2006,12:19) MrBrown, Im gonna tell U a secret. U understand them, U just dont know it. Why, bcuz U just gave us the answer on your last reply.

Knowing what the problem is, and solving it are two different things. I can chalk up all the disagreements to the fact that we are wired different, but we still have disagreements.........

 

[frisbee]

I feel for you you guys. But like the others said , document everything and don't piss her off or you can loose ALOT. As For staying with her or counceling, only you can answer that . Good luck to you guys and God Bless.

 

[Southside Playa]

(extreemachine @ Oct. 20 2006,11:14)

(jjbusa @ Oct. 19 2006,10:07) thank you for eveything and i wish i could say we have come to a decision but we actually she hasnt. i know it messed up that im waiting on her ot come to the comclution but that will be the only i can get closure. the computer thing i wish i could get rid of her job puts her infront of one all day and sometimes with nothing to do but surf and talk to him. i have thought the same thing get rid of the phone and get rid of the email and the msgs but i will never know what she is doing at work for all i know she speaks to him from her work phone since she got busted. ive been going through the days slowly but surely . i wake up next to her and wish i could kiss her and tell her this will pass but its not me the one that should. but i broke down last night she was so depressed and and well i just gave in and held her and did the same this morning and she cryed saying sorry and she wish she new wat to do and she wrote to me when i got to work thanking me for that.lol i was so doumb founded but i just cant let myself do that again it took so much from me. i find myself growing colder instead of scared. i know 2 things can happed 1. she loves me and wants me and wants to work and we try and try and hope it works. 2 she too confused and she leaves me, i will be hurt even feel dead inside but i will move on with my life and keep moving forward. guys dont get me wrong I LOVE HER TO DEATH i do i will be their and support her through what ever but if its over then so be it i am not the typ that will continue to go back and miss you and sorry and lets try now. if we divorce then it ends their i have to for respect of me. CAP. i read your comment over and over and it meant alot to me but as you said im stading at the mid point right now and she is still walking in circles, i spoke to my parents they new something was up i didnt tell them their was someone else but i told them she is confused and scared as a man my father tells me GET OUT NOW. my mother says the same as many people and what i agree with meet her half way let her meet me the other half. her parent are going to sit her down tonight so they say and she is scared i know her parents arent going to pick side but if they do i cant blame them but they know im a good man i have always been their and never mistreated their daughter. all i need is closure i guess. i want her to say thats it all shat aside lets do this right or i dont think its going to work and we should split. wither way i cand move forward. Once again you guys are awsome thank you for everything and to all those that have opened their lives and their exp. thank you it means alot to know i may not know you but we are family.

I haven't really written anything hear yet about my divorce because I assume my wife reads this board to see what I write. When my nightmare started 6 years ago, I was caught TOTALLY off guard and clueless. At the time we were married 10 years, have 3 kids and happy?? Well one of us was happy. She started with the I'm confused stuff to. I held in there telling her I loved her, bringing her flowers, cards, notes, emails, the works. I never thought she would ever cheat on me. A friend pushed me into trying to find out because I guess at the time I was blind to it and he could see it from the outside. Well she was cheating. On the phone all of the time, Instant messaging, emailing him, meeting him at night. She works so she had all of the free time at work to carry on whatever she wanted to there. I rememeber one time before I knew she came home crying and after me caring and holding her and asking she tells me she is confused over us. About 1 week after that I found out she was cheating and that she had a fight with the boyfriend and was crying over him. I was clueless. My advice is to look out for number 1 my friend. She is looking out for number 1 herself. She is confused because she doesn't want to hurt you or lose you in life as a friend or someone to fall back on if this new guy doesn't work out. I have heard TONS of advice and taken bits and pieces from alot of it. Most guys are hard to talk to. All they say is F*ck her move on, Kill the guy etc..  But when you love her that is not so easy. Not for me anyway. We started a divorce went up until the part where she had to buy me out of the house for her to live there and thats when she had a change of heart. So in the past 2-3 years after that I have been trying and she is has been trying to build up her life outside our marriage. Going to the gym, going out with the people from work, people from the gym, going out etc.. Me I am home watching out kids. I have been pushing the issue of us lately and last night had a final hard converstaion that she has nothing to try with us and she has just sits there and says nothing. I know that doesn't make sense. But I wanted her to know that I was tired of being alone and living alone and was going to an attorney to start this rolling again.
Sorry to add my BS story here to your post. It just rips me apart. I will never understand women as much as I try!!??

That is the scary part. Even if, and I mean if, mine would attempt to get her shid straight, there is no guarantee that she won't pull the same shid next week, next month, next year, or 2-3 years from now.

This shid is real disheartening.

 

[Fate]

I am sorry again in advance. but the young thing is BS.... Like someone else said she was old enough to say I Do!!!! It sounds like you have been the "nice guy" and have done things right. Communication is important. But she is suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. If you manage to work things out, good luck bro.... I hope it works out. It is great she is talking to her parents. But you need to have some serious one on one time with her. Maybe both of you take some time away from work, phones internet and take a small vacation together. Get away and talk and spend time together. If that does not get anywhere it may be time to move out or get away for a while. Make her miss you and see if you can handle being away from her for a while. I do not think she is taking you seriously. It is easy to wonder about someone else when she know you are home, but if you are gone she is going to be thinking about you and what you are doing.

Good luck, but from my experience. Once they start wondering what it is like with someone else it is over. It is hard for us to undrstand the wondering thing because like the Cap said, women are emotional and we are physical. We can go out and have non-emotional affairs and sex and a women normally can't (not saying all of us, I have never cheated). It is not about the physical with her. She is missing something or atleast feels she is with you. And that guy is giving her something. He is probably "a good listener" and " cares what she has to say". Ignoring her and trying to make her feel guilty is only going to drive her into his arms. TALK TO HER AND GET AWAY NOW........ IF YOU CAN'T GET HER AWAY FROM HIM AT WORK VIA INTERNET AND PHONE, TAKE SOME TIME AWAY FROM WORK. IF YOU GUYS GET FIRED, SO BE IT.... IF SHE IS WORTH LOSING A JOB OVER, JUST DO IT...... A COUPLE OF DAYS SHOULD DO IT. If you have some extra cash, get out of state. Get a nice motel. spend time with her and treat her like a queen. do not blame her or try to argue. Just talk about your relationship.

 

[JET-A]

(KROOZER @ Oct. 17 2006,13:52) May I recommend a book...Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. No guys, Im not gay.

Probably a bad time to bring this up, but Gray, the author of Men are from Mars..... is now divorced.

 

[BigmanZ]

(usn04limited @ Oct. 18 2006,04:15) I have to tell you, as a student of Psychology, the internet/phone contact with this other guy is NOT the issue.  There are deeper issues in you and you're wife's relationship.  

This is a great place and has helped a great many ppl.  

Here is my $.02 for what it is worth.

1) You need to decide whether or not this relationship is worth fighting for.

2) You need to decide whether or not your wife thinks this relationship is fighting for.

3) Yes she needs to go and get some counseling, BUT so do you.  She didn't get to where she is by herself.  She was filling a need that you were not providing (even if you didn't know it)

4) You should prepare yourself in case this doesn't work, ie. phone records, email logs and internat chat logs (there is software that will allow you to track the last two)

Please don't think that I am slamming you because I said you bear some responsibility in this situation, but the fact of the matter remains, it takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to let a marriage fail.

There is a country music song that says "Love is not something we're in, it is something we do".

There will be part of you that ask, "Ok Don, what makes you the expert?"  I am not the expert by any means, but I have several years of education and a degree in Psychology.

More importantly, in 2003, I was your wife, lol, not really but I was in that situation.  My wife and I were married for 13 1/2 years.  We got a divorce.  The divorce was my choice.  Long story short, thru all the property settlement agreement preparation, child support discussion, she and I had to learn to communicate again.  As we learned that, we realized that we were still each other's best friend and that we still deeply loved each other.

We lived together (in sin as her mother jokes) for two years.  Spent numerous hours in individual and couples counseling.

Two years and one day after we were divorced, we remarried and put our family (officially) back together (we have a son).  

We have never been happier.

I am a huge advocate of making it work, but do not stay together (kids or not) just because you may be afraid to be alone.  

Ok, so maybe that was $.50 worth, but I hope it helps.


Don

Most intelligent thing I've read so far on this issue.

Counseling only works if both of you seek it. This is allot more then just her talking to some guy on the internet. Something has broken down in the marriage, something she used to get from you she doesn't now and is seeking it in this other man. Counseling will bring out what that is and let both of you see how it stopped happening and how you can get it going again.

Ya, it's a tough one. How can you ever trust her again? Thats what the counseling is for. The trust won't be 100% but the only thing that matters is one thing. Do you two still love each other? If so then you need to seek out a marriage counselor. In all honesty all she's doing is talking to another man. Are you seriously going to let your marriage end because of that?

 

[BigmanZ]

(captain @ Oct. 18 2006,22:29) WOW there are a lot of opinions on this topic, I have read re read and read them again... Before I post this here is my disclaimer to other members. I do not intend to push my beliefs on anyone here or am I trying to influence anyone else.. This is what I would...... Assuming a few things

1. This is the woman you love
2. You realize everyone make mistakes
3. She hasnt actually cheated on you
4. No one here is going to do these things for you.......

I would sit down in a quiet place and ask myself:

1. If I love her and how much (hopefully your answer is that you love her until death, you probably spoke similiar words)
2. What are you willing to sacrifice or give up for the one you love so much? (probably everything)
3. Have I asked the people that know us the most and best what they see from the outside looking in... Guidance and direction is a great thing.......
4. Ask yourself  -- Have I emotionally neglected her, forcing her to look other places for companionship (not sex, remember men are physical, women are emotional, they want to bond. Have you spoken her love language?)
5. How do I fix this?

Once I had made up my mind I would sit her down in a quiet place and tell her how I unconditionally loved her and that I was willing to do what ever it took to make the marriage work. She has to buy off on this, she simply needs to tell you that she is committed and that your love surpasses all problems, together you can do anything. Get your parent involved, your young and I assure you your parents have been through this before, no one knows you better than your parent, her parents the same for her.

If you can get her to agree that she loves you as much as the day you were married its almost time to take action......... If she says she loves you and is willing to fight for the marriage then go to the next step, if not, you cant make her love you and she has free will to make her own decisions, try to leave respectfully and maturely.

Next step........ Your not gonna like this and neither will a lot of the members......

Throw the computer in the trash, literally smash it with a bat, give it to the library, get it out of there....
Sell the busa, take a hiatus and show her what you are willing to sacrafice for her, she wants to see you fight for her...... Dont ask who the guy is, its irrelevant, he is just an outlet not the reason for her confusion, if you need to throw cell phones away, cut the phone off, whatever it takes, tell her what you are doing, be open, honest and up front....... No one said marriage was easy, as a matter of fact its hard as hell, I have been married 17 years and I ignored my wife and took her for granted for the first 7 years, I cherish her every day, I tell her every day, and I show her every day... I romance and date her today just like I did when we dated, I would never stop fighting for her............

Most people are married in a church because they have some religious beliefs, pray, pray pray, look for divine intervention. Get counceling, if your not into that kind of thing go buy the book Love languages and read it together.

There is always the bad though, right? Whatif whatif whatif after I do all these things and I find out she still wants a divorce or she went ahead and went with another guy... My answer is simple, you did everything that you could possibly do to show her that you loved and cared for her, you met her in the middle and you can always rest assured that while you wish it had worked out you have no regrets...... You can always buy another bike, you can buy another computer, a loving wife is priceless.........

OK guys let me have it now....

CAp

 

[AES]

OK WE HAVE AT LEAST A DOZEN DR. PHILs HERE I SEE................................ AND IM JUST GONNA THROW MY HAT IN HERE...... IVE BEEN THROUGH THE SAME DEAL OR SIMILAR. I FOUGHT TO KEEP HER BUT FINALLY GAVE UP AFTER I DID ALL I COULD DO. I LEFT HER AND NEVER LOOKED BACK FOR 2 MONTHS. FOR ABOUT 3 WEEKS SHE BLEW UP MY PHONE UNTIL ONE DAY I ANSWERED N ACCIDENT. I THINK AFTER I LET HER GET A TASTE OF SOMEONE ELSES BULLSHIT, I GUESS SHE LIKED MINE BETTER. SO AFTER A LOT OF CRAP WE WORKED IT OUT. I GUESS WHAT IM GETTING AROUND TO IS THAT WHEN I TURNED AND WALKED AND GAVE IT UP SHE CAME BACK.



BUT IF THAT DOESNT HAPPEN: THE BEST CURE FOR AN OLD DOG IS A NEW PUPPY.

 

[Big Bo]

Hey bro (jjbusa), pm sent.

 

[Max Speed]

Just remember it takes two to make a marrage work. There will be a point when you have to decide to do for your self if she does not want work for the marrage. But you need to give it some time to turn around first. Just remember to listen to her side of it. There was a reason for her to look some place else. You may have to look at your self and find you have to change some things. Its a strong person that can look at them self and see a need for change, then admit it and do it. You need to talk to each other and listen to each other. Remember you may hear things you don't want to hear, just as she will hear things she does not want to hear. But in the end it takes two people if in the end its only you working its time to make the choice. How can I say all this? what do I know? I and Sue have been married 30years now. She and I still have have a love thats stronger and hotter with every year. I lived the other guy thing about 3 years into our marrage. He was real and was her boss at her work at that time. I found I almost lost her because I assumed she knew just how much I loved her. She was waiting to hear how much I loved her and not hearing it thought I stopped. It was both our faults for that mess. It took time to heal and to re gain the trust. Now we see what we almost lost, the love of our lives... I look into her eyes everyday and tell her I love her and work hard to show the love I have for her with the simple little things in life. I hope you can find the problem what ever it is.. Good luck my friend.

 

[Max Speed]

and yes that is how she looks now. We married right after we got out of high school.

 

[Keefer]

Lots of good advice on here. I was married to this woman for 10 years, with her for 12. The last 4 were a warzone because of the way she treated my daughter. And it was because of her cheating. After what I went through, I have to say I am pretty jaded now. I have since remarried (different woman), and have a VERY good marriage now. And yes, she likes the Busa, and wants to learn how to ride and get a bike of her own now.

Coming from a black and white, or jaded perspective, one thing you absolutely HAVE to remember. If she did it once, she will do it again. Are you prepared to go through all the muss and fuss, and making up, and recreating your marriage, to have it happen all over again?

The 4 years I spent in the warzone, has certainly left me with some major baggage, alot of it has affected my current marriage in one way or another. Dude, your young, do yourself a favor. Really ask yourself if your willing to go through what I described, and taking on your own baggage. If the answer is no? Kick her to the curb. Your too young, and life is too short, to be dealing with that crap.

Think about it like this. You could get on that Busa tomorrow and go for a nice slow easy ride, and get creamed at the first streetlight. And as you leave this world, what will your regrets be?

 

[EVO8]

It's not the end of the world. Find a hotter chick. Why be stuck to one chick unless you have children. You are a young adult, many years of good living to give other beautiful women in this world. Enjoy your chance of freedom.