Tonight my fiance and I broke up after almost 2 1/2 years. Im not gona go into details, as Im completely devistated. It was sorta a mutual break-up, but I was sick of being told to lay still in bed & not wrinkle the sheets, or Im too tired to talk and never resolve any issues. Im sick of being treated like one of her kids and being yelled at and hated feeling like I almost lost my back-bone in the relationship. I feel like if I dont wiz on myself like a fricking submissive dog when she wants her way, there would be trouble and I would always be left feeling guilty.
Im sick of not being talkted to for 4 or 5 days because shes mad or exhausted, than when she does call we never talk about the issue, but Im to come over and make her feel good. Im sick of being told how to touch her, but when I tell her how I want to be touched I get a sigh...almost like its a burden. Im sick of worrying about her finances when she fails to pay 2 mortage payments...and if I dont help pay them, Im left feeling guilty...but guess what, than the next month it is the cable, telephone, etc...
Im not the best guy out there, I know I work way to much and dont spend the time I need to with her, but Im exhausted when I get home and dont want to go to her house to be yelled at like a kid. I know some of you know about the issues with her kids and all the problems they have, but I love those little kids and completely heart broken I wont be there for them. Im sick of her X-husband who is a drug user/ dealer/ who we continue to battle with in court. And Im sick to death of her lack of follow through, but for whatever reason I feel so empty right now...and feel like she is the best thing in my life and let it slip away.
I know Im stubborn, opinionated, and have some ego...but I try to put that aside for her. She wanted to get married right away to me, but my X-fiance was murdered 1 year before her and I met and I told her that I needed to go slow, because I dont know if I can handle the emotions. I deal with her death every day, and it gets better, but she completely fails to realize how scared I am to lose another person I love.
Am I feeling guilty because this is a beautiful woman? She use to strip, and use drugs, and lead a wild life...but it seems like she never learned from living a hard life...maybe because someone always bailed her out as she says. Ive been homeless, and bankrupt and never want to be there again, and I am cautious so I will never be there again, but she says Im too stuck in reality and never dream. Than when I put my fears aside to dream, I get told she has no wants or hopes anymore and she doesnt dream...so I cant ever win.
I apologize for rambling, but I honestly have know one to talk to about this, and Im just dealing with this minute to minute right now. God, did I make a huge mistake...or what...I have no clue...I shouldnt feel like this, I mean Im frickin 33 years old not 19.
Im sick of not being talkted to for 4 or 5 days because shes mad or exhausted, than when she does call we never talk about the issue, but Im to come over and make her feel good. Im sick of being told how to touch her, but when I tell her how I want to be touched I get a sigh...almost like its a burden. Im sick of worrying about her finances when she fails to pay 2 mortage payments...and if I dont help pay them, Im left feeling guilty...but guess what, than the next month it is the cable, telephone, etc...
Im not the best guy out there, I know I work way to much and dont spend the time I need to with her, but Im exhausted when I get home and dont want to go to her house to be yelled at like a kid. I know some of you know about the issues with her kids and all the problems they have, but I love those little kids and completely heart broken I wont be there for them. Im sick of her X-husband who is a drug user/ dealer/ who we continue to battle with in court. And Im sick to death of her lack of follow through, but for whatever reason I feel so empty right now...and feel like she is the best thing in my life and let it slip away.
I know Im stubborn, opinionated, and have some ego...but I try to put that aside for her. She wanted to get married right away to me, but my X-fiance was murdered 1 year before her and I met and I told her that I needed to go slow, because I dont know if I can handle the emotions. I deal with her death every day, and it gets better, but she completely fails to realize how scared I am to lose another person I love.
Am I feeling guilty because this is a beautiful woman? She use to strip, and use drugs, and lead a wild life...but it seems like she never learned from living a hard life...maybe because someone always bailed her out as she says. Ive been homeless, and bankrupt and never want to be there again, and I am cautious so I will never be there again, but she says Im too stuck in reality and never dream. Than when I put my fears aside to dream, I get told she has no wants or hopes anymore and she doesnt dream...so I cant ever win.
I apologize for rambling, but I honestly have know one to talk to about this, and Im just dealing with this minute to minute right now. God, did I make a huge mistake...or what...I have no clue...I shouldnt feel like this, I mean Im frickin 33 years old not 19.
