You propose on a saturday, then the next day....??

[redkat05]

Ok, I posted couple weeks ago when I proposed to my gf and the response here was overwhelming. I love all my busa bretherin. BUT, it seems ever since I put the ring on her finger things have been shi**y between us. Like she'll be real short with me n always make lil cutting comments about me in front of my friends, stuff like that. So I naturally quip back with somethin to defend myself and then she escalates it like 10 fold and yells so I get pissed.........
The very first thing that threw me for a loop was this: I propose on a saturday night, the next night at bout 9:30pm or so she says she wants to go to the casino. No big deal cause we've gone before. She says "is it ok if i go?" and i'm thinkin "wtf why wouldn't you want me to go?" So bein the trusting bf I am I say sure whatever. She doesn't get home until like 8:30am, which I am just FUMING over. I texted her after she left for the casino bout why she didn't ask me to go wit her and she said "well last time we went you looked really bored cause you didn't spend any money and you just looked miserable." Which i had told her previously that I just like to watch her play cause I don't like to gamble.
Anyways, I guess my basic question is what do y'all think of the situation and how would you handle things?

 

[VaBusa]

Wow...my gut instinct it to run! But, I don't know your entire history with her and truth be told, only YOU can decide if there's something there worth fighting for or not...

It's true, marriage does change everything...doesn't mean it's always bad, but sometimes we all get to comfy in our relationships and stop trying to be that "ideal mate"...sounds to me like she changed kind of quickly though...

I wish you luck; that's going to be tough...

 

[mrninja9]

well tell her it is fine but next time think you could least let me come. you need to show her you have trust but then again it seems like she just used it in one night. so next time she goes out or wants to and doesnt invite you let her go and text her and say hey where you at whats going on havein fun go pick up some cheap flowers and take them to her as a surprise to see if she is lieing cause that way you can also do a check up to re assure yourself. it might sound mean and rude but you know in the back of your mind you are pondering what actually went on any body would....

 

[MrGxr]

Remember.... IMO... you must be "Friends" above all else in a marriage.
This leads to the question," would a Friend that treats you in this manner still be a Friend?"

Sit her down and let her know what you are thinking/feeling, if she is willing to talk about and work it through then its worth staying around and seeing what happens. If she is not willing to talk about it, well, IMO, I would walk away and take the learning.

Before I got married to my Wife, I was engaged with another girl... the girl decided that she wanted to date and then tell me about it... as much as that hurt I understood (I was military and TDY for 6 months)... but after returning it was clear that we were not Friends anymore. In actuality, 21 years later I have realized that we were never really true Friends to begin with.

My Wife and I are true Friends, we listen to each other and help when we can. We also know when to stay out of each others business until the other calms down or figures it out. We have never gone to bed angry and I can count on one hand how many times we stayed up talking all night to work out the issues.

Love comes later in a relationship... Friendship comes first... without the Friendship there is no relationship... (my thoughts/belief at least).

sorry for getting on the soap box...

 

[redkat05]

well that sorta happened just THIS last saturday as well. We went to my buddy's house for an evening of booze and PS2 for the boys and booze n cards for the ladies(UNO, now you know). She got blitzed but kept it together. She was whisperin in my ear what she wanted to do once we got home, ya know , and that we could stop on the way home n get some stuff to make a good late night meal. So at this point i'm PUMPED bout the festivities to come right guys?

Halfway home she texts someone then gets a text back n says "tina's out at CellBlock(popular new dance club/bar), wanna go meet her n whoever out there?" So i say "sure sounds cool.'' On the way though we stop at home so she can go potty and i sit at the comp checkin the ORG happenings and she comes back out after doin her makeup again n what not and says........... "so do you mind if i go out for a lil bit?" Ok first off in my mind i wanna say "wtf when did it suddenly become just YOU?" but i said "umm yeeeah knock yourself out." so she's all happy n kisses me n says i love you.........bye.

 

[thrasherfox]

I would say one of two things.


1) it is your imagination and for some reason you are expecting things to change so you are looking into things.

or

2) it is NOT your imagination, you proposed, for some reason it through her for a loop, being engaged is not what she wants and she didnt know how to say no,

Honestly, to me she sounds like someone who is acting like they are feeling smothered. If getting engaged is making her feel smoethered then she isnt ready at all for marriage.

I would set her down and talk to her and ask her to be honest, let her know that you love her and if she isnt ready to be engaged it is ok you can call off the engagament and just continue dating until she is ready..


But she sounds to me like she is feeling like a trapped animal. If it were me and I am reading everything correctly, my nature would be to confront her, tell her I didnt think she was ready, ask for her input on it and if she hesitated at all or did not convice me 100% that she was ready, I would ask for the ring back and put the engagement on hold

Good luck..



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[VaBusa]

well that sorta happened just THIS last saturday as well. We went to my buddy's house for an evening of booze and PS2 for the boys and booze n cards for the ladies(UNO, now you know). She got blitzed but kept it together. She was whisperin in my ear what she wanted to do once we got home, ya know , and that we could stop on the way home n get some stuff to make a good late night meal. So at this point i'm PUMPED bout the festivities to come right guys?

 Halfway home she texts someone then gets a text back n says "tina's out at CellBlock(popular new dance club/bar), wanna go meet her n whoever out there?" So i say "sure sounds cool.'' On the way though we stop at home so she can go potty and i sit at the comp checkin the ORG happenings and she comes back out after doin her makeup again n what not and says........... "so do you mind if i go out for a lil bit?" Ok first off in my mind i wanna say "wtf when did it suddenly become just YOU?" but i said "umm yeeeah knock yourself out." so she's all happy n kisses me n says i love you.........bye.

None of that sounds right to me...especially given your "plans" once you got home...for her to completely dismiss you for a trip to some club after a text msg is quite disturbing...

The BIGGEST thing here is to just communicate with her...ASK her what's going on, TELL her that what she's been doing since saying "yes" to your committment hurts you...so many couples just can't communicate, and I can tell you from experience that it spirals downward and never gets any better unless you try to open the doors, talk things over, get honest answers from both sides so you always know where you both stand...

I don't recommend sneaking around behind her back to try to catch her doing something wrong...either she's mature enough to be honest with you and you can be with her, or there's very little to go on from there...my $.02

I am sorry you're dealing with so much doubt right now; should be one of the happiest times for you both...

 

[BigBSBusa]

Wow...my gut instinct it to run!  But, I don't know your entire history with her and truth be told, only YOU can decide if there's something there worth fighting for or not...

It's true, marriage does change everything...doesn't mean it's always bad, but sometimes we all get to comfy in our relationships and stop trying to be that "ideal mate"...sounds to me like she changed kind of quickly though...

I wish you luck; that's going to be tough...

+1. At a minimum you need to have a talk with her. It could just be nerves, but I would definitely check it out. Good luck.

 

[BigDiesel]

i'll say this bro-nerves n suspicion make everything you see/think that much worse, when you keep it in your head- gotta get that shid out in the open.
If your girl is doing things that are getn on your nerves- TELL HER NOW. Communication is the only thing that keeps you aware of how the other person really feels. I regularly get things that my girl says mixed up, n get bent out of shape-only to find out later the whole problem was result of misscomminication. If your fiancee really cares about ya, she will want to sit down n talk things out (c'mon, ALL girls wanna do is talk!

) it should tell her that you are genuinely concerned with keeping her happy n being happy with her.

i try to let my fiancee know how i feel about her every day, in little stuff that I do. Phone calls n txt msgs are a must when there is someone who cares about you-u dont need to know every step they take but should have an idea of where they're at. My greatest pet peeve is when my girl goes shoppn w/friends n dont txt/call me. I get home, she's gone-where? i start wonderin what happened that she had to leave in such a hurry she couldnt drop a msg-"hey im goin out, be gone 1,2,3 hrs, whatever" that drives me nutz (i know i sound like a girl-shut up) but the reason I get ticked is I dont ever do that to her. She knows it makes me crazy n when she gets back n apologizes, its all good.

if she is reluctant to talk n explain herself-sorry bro but that is nothing but bad news...anybody who shuts themselves off from u is not worth fightn for...try to work it out n get her to see what your concerns are and make an effort to listen to her too and see what she needs from you to be happy. Everybody wants 'alone time' but if she's acting shady?

its not a good sign.
best of luck to ya

 

[redkat05]

main reason I think i'm feeling questionable bout the engagement and relationship as a whole is cause week n a half ago we got into a huge fight about her seein a number on our phone bill that she recognized from before which was my ex alissa's number. Last time it appeared on the bill was 3 weeks prior to her finding it on the bill. She had asked me a couple weeks before if i still talked to any of my ex's and i said no because at that point it was true, I HAD talked to alissa the week before but we were done talkin to each other cause up until we stopped talkin, i owed alissa money, once it was paid off i dropped communication. So when my gf asked if i still talked to any i was truthful. She didn't believe me so i said verbatim "look, I told you how it is. I was completely and utterly truthful, I have a crystal clear concience about it so you can think what you want, i'm tired of tryin to get you to see the truth." Well she still wasn't havin any of it and was cryin(this is all right before she's to leave for work) and goes downstairs to leave, comes back up and goes into the room and comes back over to me on the couch and tosses the ring at me n says "HERE I don't think you meant to give this to me"
At that point i'm fuckin FIRED UP and complacent at the same time. Like farkin pissed cause she did that but at the same time i'm like thinkin "if she don't want it, she don't need it." I'm still not backin down cause i have nothin to back down from. Next day we reconcile and she gets the ring back.
Long story short, I don't think i've recovered from her givin the ring back so quickly on a whim like that. On one hand it hurt, and on another If she's so quick to do that now, what later? All the while she complains that before I was the one to walk away from an argument and now she's the ultimate hypocrit. On a side note, I think its better to walk away when i'm super pissed and to calm down, de-escalate as opposed to stayin and blowin up on her or someone else.

 

[sageronin]

+1000 ... what everybody else is saying ... Communication!!

 

[VaBusa]

How old is she, if you don't mind me asking? Seems like it's sort of a game to her...she should take that ring very seriously and tossing it back is a sign of, forgive me, immaturity...hey, we've all been there, so I'm not saying I'm any better, believe me...just wondering if she's just too young to take all of this seriously, that's all?

 

[redkat05]

she's 27. One thing that's for sure, that i'm VERY SURE, I either can't deal with or she'll have to change is her jealousy. Its through the damn roof. I'm the type of guy that i have just as many girl friends as guy friends and i know from experience before, FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and no one woman is worth alienating your friends over.

 

[VaBusa]

she's 27. One thing that's for sure, that i'm VERY SURE, I either can't deal with or she'll have to change is her jealousy. Its through the damn roof. I'm the type of guy that i have just as many girl friends as guy friends and i know from experience before, FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and no one woman is worth alienating your friends over.

I agree with that 100%...but, that road must travel BOTH ways...so, if she's hanging out with friends, you can't read too much in to it and you expect the same in return...

Get things out in the open...if she's hiding anything, NOW is the time to find out...if she's open and honest, you'll both have a good ground work laid for the future...

I'm leaning toward what thrasherfox posted; she may not be ready for all of this and she's sort of lashing back in strange ways...that might be a place to begin the talking...just ask her if it's all too much, maybe she's not ready, etc...

 

[Charlesbusa]

I don't know how long the 2 of you have been together but my advice is to wait a year before the wedding ceremony. Gives you plenty of time to work things out or find out its not going to work.

Just don't get married next week, there's no rush, wait a year if you can.

 

[heavybusa]

Big Deisel is right on time, dont let your emotions blow things out of proportion.

Talk about it, if she flips out and gets defensive then you have to wonder.

If she is cool and things work out then live and learn!!

Good luck bro, and thanks for adding to the reasons I wont be getting married.

 

[Projekt]

Honestly Bro,
I would cut her loose of the engagement to serve as a reality check. The only communication I would have would be to tell her that you feel she needs to remain single now that marriage became a possibility and you observed her behavior. Seems to me that she is trying to sow her oats in anticipation of tying the knot. Oh and jealousy will kill your marriage especially if you have a multitude of female friends. I know how suffocated I felt when I was married to a hot albeit insanely jealous woman. I couldn't even go gas up the cars without her clinging to me. So yeah my opinion might seem jaded but, why are you in a hurry to get married anyway? Check out my thread above then come here on vacation to reset your marriage aspirations...

 

[Revlis]

Not even Married, Allready need counseling...

Not being a d!ck, just saying that if you've got problems now you'll have worse problems later.

An honestly trust worthy woman is REAL hard to find, and you have to wade through a lot of sack chasers, and skeezers to find one. they are out there though. You just have to know where to look.

College is an excellent place to meet women with something going on, you do NOT want a Stupid Girl... Stupid girls do DUMB things... Like sleep with your buddies or whatever. Find a pretty girl, with REAL self Esteem, and Lots of Intelligence, they play fewer games and can actually carry on a conversation.


Good luck man, I know how you're feeling and I recognize where you are at kinda and all I can think is RUN, RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!

 

[Darkeyce]

Some good advice here...so let em add my own little bit of noise...You mentioend a few diffent incedents taht were troubling you, soem behavior that she exhibited that caused you to think, and that last bit about her giving the ring back after, what was in your mind, a minor argument...

So my question is why are you getting married? and i dont mean why are you getting married with the drama going on, I mean at the basest level, why did you decide that you needed to be maried to this woman? Did you wake up one mornign and decide that you can't posisbly exist without her? Or did it jsut seem to be the next step in the relationship?

Sounds corny but you need to know your heart, and know it really well, because you will know no pain like being married to a woman that you don't like and/or dont trust.

 

[nitrousjunkie]

You gonna miss her?