+100
21 yr marrage ruined by her affair !!!
- Thread starter BIKE DUDE
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+100
hope everything work's out for you man, keep in mind how long you guy's been together,and remember when we are in a committed relation or marriage we do not own the person whom we are with..21yrs together you have alot of memories and closeness..just ask her why.. so that you know.. and accept her reason. and move on from their.. after 21yrs you've been together to long to let everything go down the drain nothing last forever .. enjoy the moment's.
I didn't read all the posts but I really feel for ya, man. I've been married just over 19 years and I'd be devastated if something like that happened to me.
From what I've heard from others in the past, it's best to just cut it loose and move on. The worst thing is to just hang in and suffer in an uncomfortable mess for too long. Do your kids know? They know something's wrong, even if you haven't told them what. It may very well be that they'll be better off with the two of you in separate households rather than living in the stress of a damaged relationship.
If she does decide to fix it and be faithful to you in the future, I would say make the effort. It can be fixed if both of you are up for it. It's a ton of work, though.
My heart and my thoughts are with you, man. I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling now.
--Wag--
From what I've heard from others in the past, it's best to just cut it loose and move on. The worst thing is to just hang in and suffer in an uncomfortable mess for too long. Do your kids know? They know something's wrong, even if you haven't told them what. It may very well be that they'll be better off with the two of you in separate households rather than living in the stress of a damaged relationship.
If she does decide to fix it and be faithful to you in the future, I would say make the effort. It can be fixed if both of you are up for it. It's a ton of work, though.
My heart and my thoughts are with you, man. I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling now.
--Wag--
jasonc32amg
Registered
Sorry to read about your troubles. I hope you have had a paternity test. If the main reason you are holding on to a relationship to a woman you cannot trust is for the kids you ought to make sure they are indeed yours.
Friend of mine (who grew up in inner city Detroit), now a pastor, says God won't give you anything you can't handle, with His guidance, of course.
Take care of your kids and yourself, man. I've been there and without some devine intervention, if she doesn't know what she wants by now, well, you know...what ever you do, don't waste your only life waiting on someone elses decisions.....I'm new here, I don't know you but I'm still thinking of you...kids,kids,kids.......
Take care of your kids and yourself, man. I've been there and without some devine intervention, if she doesn't know what she wants by now, well, you know...what ever you do, don't waste your only life waiting on someone elses decisions.....I'm new here, I don't know you but I'm still thinking of you...kids,kids,kids.......
Procharger
Registered
been there done that. I feel your pain.
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I'm so sorry man. My prayers are def. with you my friend. Maybe its not toooo big of a thinglease:
Everyone is different, people do change, things usually can get worked out but it's happened twice... odds of there being a third and more,,,.... extremely high... I understand kids are involved but this kind of stress can drive people over the edge emotionally. This kind of torment can give you a stroke or heart attack.. take of your self an goodluck
lease:
i've been in a similar situation before...i had been told by a friend that my second wife was cheating on me but she denied everything when i confronted her...i ended up catching them together and that was the end...at the time, it felt like things would never get better but they did...my life has never been better than it is now and even if everything falls apart tomorrow, there is always the next day...keep your head up and figure out what is right for you and your circumstances...pm me your # if you ever need to get your thoughts out of your head...prayers sent
Thanks for all the input folks. I can't even function normally for the last two months since I found out. I've been a self employed tool dealer for the last 19 years and made a good enough living so that she could be a stay at home mom which was what she wanted. She did waitress a couple nights a week just for fun and to help out a little. A few years ago she wanted to go back to school to finish her nursing degree(3 yrs) and now works in the oncology dept at one of the hospitals.(1 1/2 years) With the poor economy my business has been struggling lately but now she makes good money(more than me) so I guess she's all set now and doesn't need me anymore. Turns out the txt msgs that I found were from her old boss at the restaurant so I know who now and I thought she might have been having an affair with him 12 years ago and she finally admitted to it after she was caught this time. She wasn't coming home right after her waitress shift and was staying out late partying and a couple times stayed out all night. I asked her to go to counseling back then cause my gut feeling was right but I didn't have any proof. She lied to me and the marriage counselor saying she just wanted to have fun and that I was being too jealous and paranoid. Now it's happened again and everything that I wasn't sure about then has been confirmed. She hid a pregnancy test from me back then but I found a wrapper that didn't flush down the toilet. We already had two kids at the time and weren't planning on more so she said that was why she tried to hide it. We are ( or I am Christians) and prolife (at least for ourselves)butshe decided to have an abortion which I didn't agree with or understand at the time but I tried to support her decision to the best of my abilities but this has always haunted me. This matches up with the time of her first suspected affair that has now been confirmed and I think explains the abortion. She later stopped waitressing there and thing went back to normal in time and a few years later she wanted to have another child so thats why there's a bit of an age difference between my 2nd and 3rd child. From Nov 30th till the beginning of Jan I've tried hard to forgive and move on but she says that it seems too phoney and too quick and neither one of us, especially her know if that's what they want. So the last couple of weeks I stopped trying and it's gone from bad to worse. My seventeen yr old son knows what's going on and about her affair but my two daughters don't. Neither one of us can afford what we have separately and that's part of what makes this so hard. I'm not the kind of dad that would have to be forced to pay child support but if I have to leave and live on my own I don't think I could make it. With the bad economy she makes more than me now as a nurse so if we both got 50/50 joint custody, she might have to pay me child support. She also just inherited a real lot of lot money from her fathers death that was a couple of years ago but was tied up in probate for two years. I don't know if she would have to split that with me or if she gets to keep it all and that and her new good job is helping her think that she'd be better off without me. All these thoughts suck so bad I can't take it anymore. I can't even get away from it when I sleep cause I have horrible dreams because of all of this. This really is like a bad dream that I just can't wake up from. This affair revealed the old affair that I had suspected but didn't want to believe and has raise even more suspicions about her pregnancy and abortion..She has always been high maintenance and a shopaholic and bad with credit cards and a few other things but if somebody ever asked me.......I never would have said she was a liar. She may be right about one thing and that is that so much has happened now that how could we ever go back and make it work again and have anything close to what we had or thought we had. All things are possible with God but he better start soon because I'm almost at the end of my rope.
First of all, you really really need to get in to see a counsellor. Check out some references, find a good one and go for yourself. It's natural to want to have answers to questions but there are some answers you're never going to get no matter what. A good counsellor can do you a world of good. It will be worth the cost of at least a couple of sessions.
Also, it sounds like she's just looking for a reason to split up. It's very likely she'll regret it later on but for now, for whatever reason, she's wanting to cut ties. I'd be surprised if she even wanted the kids in her present frame of mind. You may be better off yourself to let it go.
Who knows? You're in a tough spot and I feel for you.
--Wag--
Also, it sounds like she's just looking for a reason to split up. It's very likely she'll regret it later on but for now, for whatever reason, she's wanting to cut ties. I'd be surprised if she even wanted the kids in her present frame of mind. You may be better off yourself to let it go.
Who knows? You're in a tough spot and I feel for you.
--Wag--
I see some one weekly and she has started to go along with me as this person also does marriage counseling. Counselor ask "What was missing at home""What did you get from an affair that you weren't getting at home""How did it make you feel""What do you want to do about it now""What can your husband do now to help or try to make things better" She answered "I don't know" to every question! She was told to really think hard over the next two weeks and come up with some answers and I was told to stop trying so hard to fix this and to back off. So here I am waiting on her and it's killing me more and more each day. Look at me....Up at 4:45 in the AM cause I can't sleep n she's sleepin like a baby. This is just so wrong!!!!I gave her and the kids the best years of my life and now I get this? Used me for all I could give and then kick me to the curb. I should go find a new girl myself. Always a lot easier I suppose if you have someone else waiting for you but that wouldn't really be fair to the new girl tto be on the rebound like that. But emotionally and financially it would definitely be easier for me. I gotta try to get some sleep though. I've got church and Sunday school in the morning. Good night???
+1
Have you read the book "The FIve Love Languages" ? It is a great book. Wont' cure everything, but might help break the ice some. Amazon Online Reader : The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Get some rest. Even if you gotta sleep on the couch. You are going to make yourself sick if you don't get proper rest.
Whats done is done. Like I said, if you would like to talk on the phone, send me a pm. I feel for you bro, and I know what you are going through.
If this had happened to me......The Hammer of Doom would drop so freakin hard that the earth would shake. A whirlwind would rip through my house so fast and furious the my (cough) wife would not know what hit her. All financial ties would immediately be cut, I would take the kids and everything that we needed and leave. Don't sit there and beat yourself up over her, she obviously does not give 2 sh!ts about you.
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