"Friends"

[ibified]

So I have a friend, whos been a friend of mine since i was about 14 years old. At least, I thought he was a friend. Last year when he moved, I helped him move, helped him finish his garage, let him use my truck to get supplies to finish his basement, helped him finish his basement, etc...

Now, I've come to find out through people we both know that he has been telling everyone he knows that he did the basement himself, and I just helped a little bit here and there, but didnt really do much of anything. Also, I come to find out (through some of the same people) that hes talking shid about the mods I'm doing to my bike. hes been saying stuff like "I dont know why he's doing all this stuff, he rides slow anyway, and doesnt really know how to ride either."

How would you guys handle a situation like this? I mean, the obvious answer is "distance yourself from this loser" which I plan on doing. I still feel bad for him though, because he just bought this house, and his GF that he bought it with moved out on him because she caught him cheating on her. Plus, he's losing his bike because he cant afford the payments on it. he's also in the process of filing bankruptcy. He's doing it on his own, because he says he cant afford a lawyer, which, frankly, I dont understand, because he somehow came up with the money to buy himself a 73" television for christmas.

Any suggestions on how to deal with "friends" like this besides distancing myself?

 

[semi]

sounds like your "friend" has a few issues...the only advice i would give is put as much distance between the two of you as possible as quickly as possible- unless you like getting pulled into the drama...i like to be able to trust my friends and know that they have my back just like i have theirs which is probably why i don't have a lot of close friends (but the ones i do have are the best people on the face of the earth- you all know who you are

)

 

[ibified]

Yeah, but at the same time, I feel kinda bad for throwing away 22 yrs of friendship, especially with the hard times hes going through right now. Granted, he did bring them on himself, but still...if i turn my back on him when he needs a friend, what kind of person does that make ME?

 

[semi]

my best friend from junior high/high school made some choices once we grew up that put distance between the two of us...we were inseperable as kids (when one of us was in trouble, so was the other lol)...however, we ended up going in different directions later on and both of us made decisions that could have been thought out a little better...eventually, i made the decision to quit all the partying, continue my education, and get on with my life...sometimes, the roads we choose to follow take us in different directions from those we have been traveling with

there are many times when i wish i could help out friends from my past that have fallen on hard times or put themselves in bad situations...i have to do what's best for me and my family and not get mired down in a lot of garbage...if your friend is ready to get out of his current situation and get some help, turn his life around, etc. then, by all means, go to his aid...however, you can't MAKE him quit his current self-destuctive actions and he will only pull you in with him if you let him (of course, i don't know your friend and this is just generalizations from experiences i have gone through)

good luck to both of you and i truly hope he can get on a postive route

 

[BigmanZ]

Any suggestions on how to deal with "friends" like this besides distancing myself?

Pick up his Girlfriend then distance yourself?

Really nothing to do on your part but to just move on and forget about him. He's digging his own hole and is just trying to pull you down with him.

 

[Wag]

Ditto what Semi said.

I find that I'm able to support my friends and give them help and assistance when they're doing the right things and are merely the victims of circumstance. By the same token, I can't feel good about enabling their bad behavior. I can feel bad for them but I can't help them do things to hurt themselves. Girlfriend leaving him, for example, is something he brought on himself. Etc. etc.

You may just have to keep your distance. Alternatively, you could go and tell him you're concerned for his well-being. Those kinds of conversations don't usually go over very well but at this point, you may not have anything more to lose and lots to gain.

I feel for ya, man, and for your friend.

--Wag--

 

[mike04busa]

Sounds like he has alot on his plate. He might be doing all these things to try and make himself feel beter.Not the best way to do that but some people think it works.Tell him you don't like how he has been acting and he is being azzhat.If you have been friends along time,the friendship should be worth more than that to him.If he values the friendship he might come around.Hopefully he relizes what he is doing before it is too late. You could be the better person by offering him help if needed(if he needs someone to talk him off the roof etc. etc.)but keep distance.Also he could be jealous he is loosing his bike also and you still have yours.It is hard to loose friendship.Good luck.

 

[Speednut]

I think you said it perfect in your title. "some arent worth having". the ones that are truely friends don't do stuff like that no matter what the circumstances. My best friend from childhood through the time we were 20 years old did this same sort of thing. Some of the things being said were told to me. other things he said i heard myself! when i confronted him about it, to try and save our friendship that was so important to me, he lied about it. that was it! you cant lie to me about what i heard with my own ears. the word friend means something very diffrent from what you are dealing with. some people put themselves into terrible situations, and then unconsciously bring others down with them. dont let him do that to you. friends just dont do that period. i was sad for a while when this happened to me. the more i hear about that old friend now, the happier i am that i made a good decision and stuck with it.

 

[05 Busa LE]

Sounds like he has alot on his plate. He might be doing all these things to try and make himself feel beter.Not the best way to do that but some people think it works.Tell him you don't like how he has been acting and he is being azzhat.If you have been friends along time,the friendship should be worth more than that to him.If he values the friendship he might come around.Hopefully he relizes what he is doing before it is too late. You could be the better person by offering him help if needed(if he needs someone to talk him off the roof etc. etc.)but keep distance.Also he could be jealous he is loosing his bike also and you still have yours.It is hard to loose friendship.Good luck.

IMO, pretty good observations.

He either has problems that he can't deal with directly, or is embarrassed by them, so he has to overcompensate by justifying to everyone else why he's on top. So he puts down others and talks behind their backs.

What he's said about you--if it's true--sounds petty. So, I say that you simply let it pass and help him through a tough time. He needs help, but won't ask.

 

[rubbersidedown]

Fortunately...or UNfortunately

I don't have the same relaxed temperament that most folks do. I had a "friend" jerk me around. When I saw him getting out of his car I walked over said nothing,pulled him up outa the seat and proceeded to slam the car door on him,just a few times.

Then I dis-owned him.

Being a mean nasty bastid can be advantageous....at times.

Other times,it can land you in the clink.

RSD.

 

[ibified]

Thanks for the input, guys. When you have troubles like this, it's sometimes a lot easier to ask folks who have no direct involvement with the situation. I appreciate all your input, and as much as I hate to, I think I have to agree with the general concensus here. Distancing myself shouldnt be THAT hard, as generally the only time he calls me anymore is when he needs help with something....I guess that, with the new house, the bike mods, and learning to ride correctly, I'll just be too busy to help anymore.

 

[Projekt]

You call your big friends such as Projekt and BigDiesel and BigGuy to pay him a visit to see if he'll talk some more smack about you. If he does, have your big friends hurt his smack talking feelings out behind the house he is soon to lose.

 

[ibified]

LOL thanks Projekt. Friend in question is 5'5" tall and about 180 lbs. granted, im not in the greatest of shape, but im not THAT bad a butterball. I'm petty sure I could take him...

 

[Big Red]

I never take offense at what old friends say about me because it is probably is true.

 

[Lamb busa]

Friends are people you like who like you right back! Lamb had that on a corkboard with Ziggy on it in his bedroom growing up. It seems to mean more now that it did then. It's hard to watch people spiral down the drain, but you have to watch out that they don't pull you in trying to help them. Call him and tell him what you are thinking. Be straight forward and don't hem and haw. Tell him the conclusion you have come too, and if he wants more, then HE will have to empower himself. *Good luck*

 

[Warchild]

Given the situation as you have described it, there is a lot of good advice here and it sounds well worth adopting.

For the most part - and I have to generalize here, too, since I don't know your friend either - it sounds like largely like a maturity issue (rather, a lack thereof). Too, it's is possible that the guy is experiencing karma payback insofar as he has allowed his Chi to get all out of whack.

Buying a house with a "girlfriend" and being dependent on her income in order to retain the house... and then he sluts around on her? Nice. This kind of behavior speaks volumes about a man's character and integrity. While you can certainly feel bad for him in light of your many years of friendship with him, I think Semi has pretty much nailed it.... you and your friend reached a fork in the road some time ago. And he chose the Wrong Path, from your account of his actions.

He either straightens up and starts to fly right, or... he doesn't.

That bankruptcy decision may be quite an eye-opener for him. That choice is going to haunt his credit rating for quite a while. His days of scoring new 73" televisions are pretty much over for now. That karma business can be some bad $hit when it's working against you.

 

[thepushercg]

your friend or exfriend has a complex problem, with alot of jealousy of what you have and what u can do, he likes you, just envys you, which puts it as stated above he wants others to think he is the man. somewhere in life his personalilty has took a direct hit,this is how he knows to react, in his mind its cheap,fast, gets the job done,and does not think you get wind of what hes saying. how do you handle this ?
you can do a rubber/projekt attack.
or distance yourself from him.
i would recomend putting a lot of distance between you two,but and its a big but, dont say anything to him. just avoid him, remember in life keep your friends close, your enemys closer. consider him a friend on the fence.

 

[Mr Bogus]

Well ego's can be amazing things... Personally, friends are pretty darn hard to come by, IMHO it is a silly reason to bail on a good one.. Here is how it works out I bet, someone he has said this to is going to want help with a similar project.. guess what...

I would just hold my tongue, let him have his little bit of glory (you know some guys just have no practical talents for projects like that and so rely on others)

The day will come when you can "strategically" address the issue with him and not ruin the relationship. (provided everything else has been kosher up to now) Sounds like his life is in turmoil right now anyway and he could use a friend with "good ethics" and some guidance...

I would say elevate yourself above such a trivial matter and know that anyone that knows him that well, would know he couldnt do it himself anyway..

Oh BTW, I will have your coupon in the mail around midweek... we ran out of the things and I am waiting for the drug rep to stop by with more... sorry for the delay..

 

[Revolution]

tell him i said he has "purdy lips"

 

[BusaWizard]

Sounds like he's a little jealous.