tears in my eyes... i have to vent

[Rauzer]

As was said earlier, I certainly wouldnt push it. I can understand your situation, but if you force her, neither one of you will enjoy the time. Keep talking with her and at least appear to support her decisions. She'll come to realize whats going on in the future.

 

[outlawbusa]

I know how much hell I put my parents through, it's gonna come right back to bite me in the A~!~

Sorry to hear Chris, but like others have said...she probably has other things in her life/area that she does not want to leave such as a boyfriend and most likely is dispersing feelings in a way that makes it sound like it's more focused on you.

Good luck Bro~!~

 

[dmrowe]

My heart goes out to you Chris, haven't seen or heard from my daughter in over 3 yrs. All you can do is be there for her and let her know that you love her, perhaps someday she will come to appreciate the father that you are. Hang in there brother.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

[Ketchmi]

I have two sons, now 24 & 25 that I lost for quite a while thanks to my dear sweet ex's brainwashing and my desire to make their lives smoother. It was torture for me but at the time I believed it was the best for them. They can tell me today that it was not the right decision but to push myself on them would have made it worse. As teens they do have a lot of things going on in their lives and a seperated parent usually doesn't rank very high on that list for various reasons.

Today our relationship is getting better and better. I talk to them usually weekly and am pretty involved in both their lives. They now believe that there is nothing more important in my life than them. I have fought hard to convince them that there will always be someone in their corner, no matter what they do.

It took the oldest getting a divorce and my youngest considering it to allow both of them to see that there are two sides to every divorce and that they were only fed one and it was not the truth. That alone brought about the biggest attitude changes. Oh, the stories that Ex's can tell...

I would suggest seeing her as much as reasonably possible, make it special for her...pick her up on a bike, make a memorable experience. Plan weekends together but do so with her helping the planning so it doesn't conflict with her job or relationships. Do some things she wants to do even if it means going to the mall! Forcing her to come stay with you will just cause bad feelings and will not make good memories. Show her that you want to be involved in her and her world but if possible, do it without being too pushy. Basically try to make her want to be around you. Over time, one good memory will cancel out a lot of bad ones.

I believe there is a time for a parent to lay down the law and it sounds like she may need some of that. If mom is not providing any type of control, as a teen I can tell you what her choice will be every time. I can't say that this is the time or situation for that exertion of power though.

Best wishes, hope it all works out for you.

Just my .02c from someone that has been through it both coming and going.

 

[busa186]

I know what you are going trough, from both sides. when my mother and father split, My mother was controlled by physco Grandma and they would always talk bad about my dad. We would see him a couple times a year and and it wasnt for very long. I ending up finding out what kind of pearson my mother and grandmother were.

it took along time for the moment to come, but now my father is my best friend. just make sure you always stay connected, send her a text and tell her your thinking of her, or have a good day at work (I remember my first $154 paycheck). trust me teenages dont want to be with there parents when they live with them let alone when Dad is X amount of miles away.

 

[chrisjp]

((((hugs)))) Maybe a summer is too long for her. Give her a choice of time frames to come and visit you. And you go and visit her too. Take the bike. Pick her up from work one day on the bike. I know it is a hardship on you and your family, but she will only be a teenager for a short time and it is a very critical time.

I don't have children, so this may not work either, but I think I would also let her know that not seeing you is unacceptable and if it happens again, you will be filing for sole custody of her and she will come and live with you. But you gotta be prepared to back it up. Can't rely on her mother as you have stated so you may have to get the state involved. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that. Talk to your legal councel before you open that can of worms though.

Hang in there.

shes 10 hrs away im in pa she is in sc. bit hard even for a weekend visit. and i even offered to only have her up here for about 2-3 weeks so she can do her band and stuff....no go...her way or high way.

 

[k03gsxr750]

Hang in there 10 hours is quite a trip, few long weekends left in your summer I hope! Stay at it the pay off is worth it.

 

[skydivr]

It appears what you may have to do is make that trip a few times; after she see's how much effort you are making to be with her, maybe she'll come around and return the favor...

 

[JoshS]

Sorry to hear this. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if I went to pick up my kids and they told me that. I hope it works out for you.


It may not be any of my business, but why do you live in Pa and your kids in SC?

 

[VaBusa]

This is definitely a tough row to hoe. In my life, I've been on both ends. Parents got divorced when I was five. I used the emotional heaviness I could feel between the two to manipulate attention.

Years later I found myself on the other end with an ex who just loved the drama of upsetting everyone so she could be queen. Messed with my daughter's head over visitation (at the ripe age of seven) and I let go of my rights to visitation after that.

To this day (daughter is 29) Sis won't have anything to do with me. Mom poisoned her mind against Dad and she believes I never cared.

I read in one of the posts just stay in touch and continue to tell her how much you care. I believe this would have saved me a lot of heartache.

Don't let this become an obstacle, Chris, but an opportunity to continue to show all your family how much you care about them. The willingness to yield and continue to show your love is the beginning of wisdom (I think I read that somewhere) and this will work out for the better. Otherwise the bitterness of control and manipulation will plant seeds that won't bring about good for anyone.

Be praying strength for you, my brother. It'll work out.

Good advice from JW here. I know it hurts and this is so tough right now, but just keep loving her and try to not take it as personally as it all feels.

You're in my thoughts Chris. Hang in there...

 

[braingetter]

Bro i feel what u are going thru, I have a 14yr old daughter along with a 12 and 10 yr old daughter all from the same mother.I have a court order that the mother is in contempt of. She wont let me see all 3 of them, because i got with another woman and she dont want them around her, and brainwashes their minds to think like she wants them to . I have debated taking her to court wasting thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, but have decided toleave it in gods hands. Cuz even if i got what I wanted, they would be sour and it wouldnt be civilized visitations until they get the crap out their heads that their mom put in em.. Gods gotta change their hearts first, then it will be better. At least her mom isnt trying to keep her from you, and my 14 yr old acts like shes 21 so I know what u are going thru. May god bless your heart and give you the patience you need to go thru this trial.

 

[skydivr]

Bro i feel what u are going thru, I have a 14yr old daughter along with a 12 and 10 yr old daughter all from the same mother.I have a court order that the mother is in contempt of. She wont let me see all 3 of them, because i got with another woman and she dont want them around her, and brainwashes their minds to think like she wants them to . I have debated taking her to court wasting thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, but have decided toleave it in gods hands. Cuz even if i got what I wanted, they would be sour and it wouldnt be civilized visitations until they get the crap out their heads that their mom put in em.. Gods gotta change their hearts first, then it will be better. At least her mom isnt trying to keep her from you, and my 14 yr old acts like shes 21 so I know what u are going thru. May god bless your heart and give you the patience you need to go thru this trial.

I think if she totally denied you visitation I'd have to take her to court over that. Your kids need to know you are willing to fight for them; as the mother will use this to tell the kids "look, you daddy doesn't even care about you he doesn't even see you"...and you can't let that happen...good luck.

 

[MO-BUSA]

hang in there brother, hope things turn around for ya!!!

 

[Mrs.Rubber2Burn]

This has to be a very difficult situation. Between my sister's and my own antics I am suprised that my parents are not bald. Someone mentioned her having a boyfriend that she does not want to leave and this could be very well the major obstacle. I almost gave my parents a heart attack when I decided to get married and follow my sailor husband to Norfolk, VA from Houston at the age of 18. We just had our 15th anniversary, but I know the odds were against us.

I would still try to get seeing her so that she knows you really do want to spend time with her (unless she is abusive or disrespectfule to you or your family, that would not be acceptable).

I know that when my boys get to the teenage years I am going to be up the creek without a paddle. Even now at six his rude attitude is getting very old.

 

[hillbilly]

shes 10 hrs away im in pa she is in sc. bit hard even for a weekend visit. and i even offered to only have her up here for about 2-3 weeks so she can do her band and stuff....no go...her way or high way.

Head down that way and take her to the beach for a couple of days then take her back and head home. Just do anything to spend some happy time with her. My situation was similar to yours and both came back to me in their twenties. Just don't vent about her mother where she can hear. Thats very important.
Keep your chin up.

 

[Tdog]

The devil walked in a church and as he was making his way down the center aisle people started running out of the church. As he got to the front he saw a man sitting on the pew and asked him why he didn't get up a run out like everyone else. The man looked at the devil and said "devil, I'm not scared of you. I've been married to your sister for 11 years".

Chris, I feel your pain Brother. I'm going through the same thing with my 17 and 14 year old sons. I know all about vindictive ex wives and psycho grandmothers. I thought I was the only one and have been beating myself up here lately. Thanks to everyone who's commented because you've helped me understand what's going on.

 

[Strife]

At age 16,I would think it be friends over family. She have a regular crown she hangs with? Have you tried offering for her to come to you with a friend(or two)? I know it's not the ideal "Quality" time,but a time spent when she is content to be there goes much further then time spent when she feels like she is forced.

My brother, when he comes into town stays with me and when his kids come over the oldest(15 girl) always has baggage(1-2 friends).

Try offering to pack up a friend or two to come along.

 

[Munchie]

Just hang in there dude and try not to take it personally. I put my parents/step-parents through hell at about her same age and eventually stopped talking to them all-together after several big blow-out arguments.
Things were said and done that can not be taken back...but years later, we have a great relationship and have put all that behind us.

At 16, friends mean the world and parents are stupid ...just try to let her know how you feel and try not to burn bridges. Pushing never helps...I know. It actually helps justify a reason for not spending time with you.


One day she will realize friends fade, see mom for who she is, and see that you're still there wanting a relationship with her

 

[BusaWizard]

Prayers sent to you and your family.