Daughter decided to run away

PandaNin

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[this is the email I sent to my closest friends]

All,

Yesterday I had to leave the office in quite a hurry because of a family emergency.  Each of you is close to me so I feel I owe you an explanation as to what transpired.

Brittany, with her mother's help/influence/direction, decided to run away from California and move back to her mother's apartment in Colorado.  She did not mention anything to anyone and attempted to do it without my knowledge.  Fortunately her mother decided to call me to brag about how she was going to get Brittany back and I was able to make it home from Novato in 13 minutes.  So glad I had the bike yesterday.  [edit: for my Hayabusa brethren, it normally takes me 25-35 minutes depending on traffic.  I don't remember any traffic on this trip, just passing left or right, whichever side had more room]

I caught Brittany in her room packing a suitcase (she skipped school).  Her mother had purchased an airplane ticket and she was going to have her friend's parents take her to the airport.  To give you an idea how callous Brittany's mother is, these people's son had just died Saturday of a drug overdose yet she still called them to do this.  They did not know this was being hidden from me.  They were told that I was out of town an unavailable to help.

When I showed up, they called Brittany's mother to tell her, "Hey, um, Don's here, what's going on?".  Her mother then called the Vallejo Police in an effort to have Brittany forcibly removed from the house.

The Vallejo PD are great people I must say.  They showed up and put Brittany in the back of the car and threatened her with juvenile hall if she didn't shut up and calm down.  They talked to me and asked what was going on.  I told them what I had found out and they talked with the others and then with Brittany.  They then returned to me and said, "She's yours, what do you want to do with her.  Her mother has no legal grounds here."  I decided that if I didn't let her leave she would try this behind-my-back tactic again soon enough so I told them I would take her to the airport.  The police let Brittany out of the squad car.

I took Brittany to the oakland airport and lectured the entire way.  I didn't scream, I just lectured her on the disappointment I was going through with her sneakiness.  I also let her know that everything she had was gone.  I'm selling her bed, the miata, her trombones, everything but her clothes and books.  I told her, "runaways can only have what they can carry, you're running away, that's all you get".

It was a very hard day for me and an even harder night.  I cleaned out most of the stuff from her room and am putting it in boxes to put in the basement.  If she were moving out to college or even an apartment on her own, I'd be more understanding.  But she's not.  She's moving back to someone she continually told me was abusive (mentally and physically) and that she never wanted to see again.  

I feel as though I've been played like a violin and am very disappointed in my child.  I also found out yesterday that her mother had already enrolled her in school in Colorado and checked her out of Vallejo High.  All of this without saying a word to me.

I've been searching for the reason behind this and the only things I can come up with are twofold: 1) her mother needs money and her mother saw a chance to hurt me.  It fits her style.  2) Brittany's boyfriend is closer to CO than CA.  I know this is the primary motivator.  I hope and pray she doesn't make a stupid mistake but under her mother's care I highly doubt it will work out in the end.

Brittany is my daughter and I love her dearly.  I am highly disappointed and I'm sure those of you that know her are too.  She made an adult decision and she now has to live with the responsibilities it brings.
 
Man, I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. All I can say is that I hope your daughter realizes what a great dad she has before she screws everything up in her life. My prayers are with you and Brittany.
 
I have a daughter and I can not even imagine the pain that you must be going through. Please know that your family on the ORG are here for you and you can blow off steam or rant or whatever you need bud. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
 
Wow, that's all just so tough to fathom
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I take it Brittany is 16, 17? And what legal recourse might you have with the ex-wife doing so many things she clearly isn't guardian to do?

I realize you've let her go because it's what she wanted, but the Mom in me feels that you'll find out life for your daughter won't be what she expected (and we both know she'll only find that out after she's been down the path she's chosen and back). Being a minor, she may have needed you to put your foot down and keep her with you...I'm not downing you in any way, and I'm sure the decision was a tough one
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...my family had to take the "tough love" route with my sister and it was hard, so I know you get to a point where you just let them go find out what life's about on their own...watching 'em fall from afar is very tough, but oftentimes that's exactly what you have to do, for your own sanity, for their own good...wow...

I'm just sorry this has happened...you doing okay?
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This is a very hard situation. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I have one of my own, she is 15 and lives with her mother. I would not get rid of all of her stuff, she will eventually come home to you. Please keep your head up and hope that lifes lessons will teach her that the lifestyle her mother lives will not get her anywhere and she will realize what a good father you are and how much you care. You need to leave the door open to her to come home if she chooses to do so. The worst thing would be for her to feel like she cant come home because of how you feel, or not have anything to come home to. It may take some time, but she will wise up. I know I am new to this site, but I understand what you are going through and offer my thoughts. Best wishes my friend.
 
Wow to say that is a tough situation is an understatement. I hope she comes to the realization on who is the person who cares for her and would be willing to make that kind of sacrifice. I will keep you in my thoughts. And I hope in time she realizes the enormity of her actions and you both can rebuild.
E
 
Thanks everyone.

More details required since you don't know everything.

Brittany is 16.5 yo.

I divorced from her mother when she was 5. Brittany and I have always been super close. When she was born her mother didn't want to even hold her. So I was the first to hold her and feed her and changed her first diaper. It's always been her and I. When I left we fought in court and of course, mother's always win. So she got physical custody. Each year she would let me have her then a year later, she needed $$$, would take her back.

At 13 Brittany petitioned the court on her own to live with me and we won. Kinda. The court said, "joint custody" but didn't state specifically who/when/where. So I have nothing legally to hold her with. Neither does her mother. It's her decision.

The reason I'm selling her material toys I've bought her is not that I don't want her coming back. It's cause she took advantage of my love and kindness and went about this behind my back. I do believe in punishment where it is due and this is the best I can come up with.

She's always welcome back, but the conditions will be different. She will not enjoy the freedom's she enjoyed before.
 
(twotonevert @ Sep. 20 2007,12
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) This is a very hard situation. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I have one of my own, she is 15 and lives with her mother. I would not get rid of all of her stuff, she will eventually come home to you. Please keep your head up and hope that lifes lessons will teach her that the lifestyle her mother lives will not get her anywhere and she will realize what a good father you are and how much you care. You need to leave the door open to her to come home if she chooses to do so. The worst thing would be for her to feel like she cant come home because of how you feel, or not have anything to come home to. It may take some time, but she will wise up. I know I am new to this site, but I understand what you are going through and offer my thoughts. Best wishes my friend.
I agree...

And from the history of the ex and your daughter, I would almost guarantee you'll get a call one day asking for your help...

She's just going to have to learn this the hard way...and it's an unfortunate fact, but young girls and their "first love" tend to really, really, really overthink life, overreact to their environment, "the world will just stop if I'm not with him" kind of mentality takes over...believe me, I've been there...she will find that the grass isn't greener and need you again one day...
 
(PandaNin @ Sep. 20 2007,12:38) The reason I'm selling her material toys I've bought her is not that I don't want her coming back. It's cause she took advantage of my love and kindness and went about this behind my back. I do believe in punishment where it is due and this is the best I can come up with.

She's always welcome back, but the conditions will be different. She will not enjoy the freedom's she enjoyed before.
Perhaps another option is to just pack those items up and lock them away. She doesn't need to know you still have them, but there WILL come a day when she'll want Dad back in her life. No idea of when that time will come, but when it does, it would likely mean the world to her that you kept those things over tossing them out. Just a thought...

I can't imagine how you feel; it truly sounds like she was "Daddy's Girl", but I'm telling you, as a former hormonal teenager, girls just "can't cope" at times with things going on and despite her sneakiness and the lies, she loves you. She just envisions something very different for her life and how unfortunate that her own mother would put her in the situation that she has (what kid wouldn't take flight if given the chance?). Brittany has visions of something that will likely never come to fruition, but it's a lesson she'll learn on her own.
 
kids make mistakes without fully understanding the reprocussions of what they've done and who they hurt in the process. sometimes you have to let them learn on their own what it means to do this, its really the only way they will learn and hopefully grow from the experience and avoid such behavior in the future. she made her bed, now she has to lay in it...maybe it will bring you closer together later down the road when she realizes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. best of luck bro...
 
Its called tough Love, you shouldn't be mad at your self at all wright now! This was your daughter decision, not yours!
Im sorry your going threw this!
 
Wow man! I am not a parent yet, and hearing things like this just makes me cringe.
Sounds to me that you took a lot of pride in her and made her lifestyle as rich as possible. She'll think back to her better situation with you, having a car and freedom. Then she will realize how bad she screwed up. Such is life, I would be tempted to sell all that stuff too but I can see it from the emotional feminine (soap opera if you ask me ;o) ) perspective that VABusa lent us. I would probably turn the Miata into an AutoXross car and have fun with it.
 
well hehe i got my thoughts and i would have done the same thing as you. see i got a younger sister in which she decided that she was old enough to do whatever she wanted at this time she was 17 mind you before that she was definant as hell, but she went and spreaded her legs to some crackhead which got her pregnant. it was suppose to be a way to get back at mother which did nothing wrong. my mother and step-father are the greatest people in the world to me and i admire everything that they have done, we went from being the poorest people, living in a hotel and the only way to live and eat was the owners allowed my parents to work for them. and i mean it was bad if you ate a sandwhich and it wasnt time to eat you were in trouble. and we walked EVERYWHERE even when i got hurt we walked to the hospital, and my step-father carried my sister on his shoulders everywhere we went.
sorry i got off the subject but she just turned 18 and had the baby. and has no way to feed her or get diapers so my parents supply her. the crackhead is still caught up in drugs and my parents said no he not to be around and she kept telling us that oh he wont i am not talkin to him and all kinds of crap........... haha little did we know she was still in contact with him.
well she was watching my younger brother and sister which are 6 and 9 one day. she had the freaking nerve to leave with that dude and leave them home alone....
after all this i have lost all respect for that...........as my friends and family know i have no heart, i do not get attached to nothin, if you do, you always get hurt in the end........i love god, my parents, my kids and wife...... its hard to explain but i will never have a problem with my parents we take care of each other........my kids until they get older and decide that they think they know what is best for them...untill they are 18 and get out or go to college then it will be better and my wife i keep at a fine line............ if i love her to much this being away would make it hard, so being deployed is not to bad i think of it as a vacation from her cause she drives me crazy at times, then when she is mad and says she leaving me then i just ask her why are you still here, so my love has advantages for me
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........ like i said its hard to explain
 
(Projekt @ Sep. 20 2007,15:29) I would be tempted to sell all that stuff too but I can see it from the emotional feminine (soap opera if you ask me ;o) ) perspective that VABusa lent us...
Hey, just giving insight in to the mind of a gal...it's complicated in there and WE tend to make it worse.
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I tell myself every damn day I'm glad I have boys. I witnessed far too much emotional crap with my sister; my heart is with anyone that has girls...
 
Man I am Sorry you are going through this mess with your daughter right now. But like some one else said we are here for you if you need to vent. Now as for your daughter effects some of the stuff I would have to agree sell but think hard on what you should sell man because once it is gone it is gone and I know you are a little upset but some of these items might carry memories to your daughter and once she grows up and you both get over this these are things that she might want to hand down to her kids or better yet your grandkids. We are here for ya Bro
 
I went through a similar situation however I was the kid not a parent. My parents separated when I was 5yo and was often easily influenced by one of em etc. All I can say is give her time. Sounds like she needs to do some growing up (no disrespect). Once I matured and saw the entire picture my entire outlook on life changed along with my view of my parents. Hopefully she will do the same and patch up some things with you in the process. Im not sure of the entire story but try to remember its probably not easy on her either i'm sure she loves you both very much and it doesnt sound like she can please both of you ate the same time. Wish ya the best man. Sam
 
Hey bro,
My prayers and heart go out for you.
My advice....don't do anything. Pack up the stuff and sit on everything for a week or two. Give your emotions some time to rest and yourself time to heal and forgive.
My mom always taught me to not make emotional decisions. Its easy to, but, it can hurt later. Take some time, ride the busa and clear your head. If you feel the same after a week or two go for it.
You've made some tough decisions, good ones, don't beat yourself up.
God bless you both,
Brian
 
I am sorry to hear about your troubles concerning your daughter. Both my children are still young (4 and 7) and I pray that I never have to go through a similiar situation.

I hope it all works out for you.
 
Sorry to hear of your rough times.

Being young is hard...being a parent is harder. Hopefully she understands her decision enough and makes it work out for the best.

As we all know...the older we get the smarter our parents really were.
 
this story breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your pain right now. I too, have a crazy ex who would manipulate my children and ruin their lives just to have them. She constantly reminds me that the kids won't be with me forever and I just agree for the sake of arguement. I know one day my kids will be challenged to make such a decision as your daughter did......I pray for that day to never come although its unavoidable. I also pray that they make the best decision for their own wellbeing and happiness. Again, I'm sorry for your pain, this is my biggest fear in life......to wake up one day and my children not be there.

DD
 
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