I got some serious problems today..

[JINKSTER]

(Fate @ Jul. 14 2007,06:58) Man, that whole situation sucks.... I am sure leaving will be hard but may save your sanity. Like you said, sounds like your household will go in the shi4er once you leave. What is your daughters take on the concept that she is contributing to the destruction of your marriage?

"Man, that whole situation sucks.... I am sure leaving will be hard but may save your sanity. Like you said, sounds like your household will go in the shi4er once you leave."

yep...retaining any sanity is gonna be tough though cause it'll be a heartbreaker either way...already is...feel like i'm in he11...keep pinch'in myself hoping i'll wake from this twilight zone like nightmare.

"What is your daughters take on the concept that she is contributing to the destruction of your marriage?"

My 9 year old will cry if i leave...as it is?...she's nervous...she'll get caught up playing in her bedroom or yard and then run into the livingroom in a panic to peek and check to make sure i'm still here.

My 14 and almost 16 year olds....a different story...i think the 14 year old has mixed emotions about the whole thing and is being influenced by her older sister telling her how great things would be without dad around...but i still believe she could go either way...but the almost 16 year old?..she'd throw a freaking party if i left..knowing that she'd be left having full control of the house.

sux...L8R, Bill.

 

[jpracecraft]

After reading all your post on this matter it sounds like your heart and head are in the right place and youre being punished for it. It sound like after this and other situations you were honest enough to mention that your 15 yr old is sand spur in the a$$ . Is a home for troubled girls out of the question?
I dont know you from adam , But I hate to see anyone in such a mess . Im a preachers kid and I was raised on the Belt Method and a healthy dose of FEAR OF GOD. Too bad these methods have not only been discarded but made Illegal.
I believe your 100 percent on not being able to complete turn around a 15 yr old girl. If both parents arent on board and on the same page with structuring a kids development from day one then at 15 its too late.
Im in no way judging ,I just completely understand your situation and hate it for ya, be as honest with your other children as possible and explain that You cant sit aside and watch everything go to hell if your not allowed to fix anything.
Do whats best for you and the ones you have a chance of saving and the rest will do what they are going to do anyway.
Keep Your Head Up. Just my 2 cents.

 

[ambulldog]

i can only say good luck with whatever you do

 

[madkatana]

Well my story is a long one and it was tough also but as time went on I let go and assumed no control over my step daughter...She dropped out of school, moved in with her aunt and wrecked their lives...She then moved back got her GED moved out again and now tells me how sorry she was for all the trouble she caused. She has told me "Why didn't you just slap me and make me go to school", lol I told her that wouldn't have helped cause she was listening to no one... Now if you really luv your wife and can hang in there for a couple of years it might work out...However, I was ready to run at anytime during those troublesome years either way is a solution...Teens are a pain in the azz these days and its cause society as a whole coddles them and sees them as victims. As parents we are just looking out for them and want them to be able to live comfortably and make it on their own. My Dad was a hard azz and when I was 18 it was either move out, pay rent, go to college and pay my own way and pay rent or go work and pay rent, no free rides just like life is...He taught me a lesson and for that I'm grateful as I have been independent since and on my own since 18, scary but great... However I respected my Dad for his hard labor and feeding my big butt cause he put me to work along side him, another lesson... Nowadays all these teens want is what they think they deserve, respect, family control, a car, money and all with not lifting a finger for themselves...Then when they get out in the real world, they have credit problems, money problems and nothing but drama... Just glad all of its over now and I merely hang out and enjoy the show... As for my step daughter she hugs me everytime she comes over and does her best in her own life, its all good now...

 

[Super Trucker]

Yes your situation sucks, you now have 2 choices.

1. Like BBK suggested, get the whole family into counseling, and really mean it.
2. Continue to blame everybody but yourself for the mess that you are at least 50% responsible for.

No offense intended, I'm just telling it like it is.

 

[JINKSTER]

(Super Trucker @ Jul. 14 2007,15:51) Yes your situation sucks, you now have 2 choices.

1. Like BBK suggested, get the whole family into counseling, and really mean it.
2. Continue to blame everybody but yourself for the mess that you are at least 50% responsible for.

No offense intended, I'm just telling it like it is.

"Yes your situation sucks, you now have 2 choices."

wrong....there are many "choices".

"1. Like BBK suggested, get the whole family into counseling, and really mean it."

with all due respect?...i've been wasting this planets oxygen for 49 years...and in that time?...i've known many families and individuals who have sout "counseling"...and i'm still trying to recall one (1) that carried out any long term, positive results.

But more recently?...i've seen some "Teen Boot Camps" that have worked wonders.

"2. Continue to blame everybody but yourself for the mess that you are at least 50% responsible for."

Make no mistake...i've been very responsible...more than 50%...as my wife left a large portion of her job as a parent to me...and "I" blame myself for a lot.

a. I blame myself for allowing my wife...(at a gradual pace more & more over the years)...to get away with lying to me and decieving me to further insulate my daughters from any level of discipline when they did wrong...because she didn't even wanna deal with...me dealing with it.

b. I blame myself for allow my wife and father to team up and heckle and belittle me and my parenting efforts...often times?..right in front of my own children.

c. I blame myself for allowing my own parents (my daughters grandparents) to cross the line many times over through the years to intervene and project their fantasy like ideologies deep into my own immediate home and family...which often times served to empower my wife and daughters "against" what i knew to be right.

and finally?...

d. Despite my aggressive efforts to parent and raise my children properly?..and retain my role as head-of-household?....I have failed.

and don't get me wrong here...i like the way ya think...tough love tell it like it is old school...my kinda guy...however...in this neck of the woods?..in this day and time?...where a child has but to call DFS and report their parent for a spanking?...parental hands get tied..i mean fug...take a closer look at this here...I have a 15 year old daughter that when she got caught smoking the first time?...she tells me...

"Well dad?...do whacha want...but i'm going to be honest with you...i ain't gonna quit."

with that?...i informed her that she ain't even close to "old enough" to speak to me like that and that since i know the only way she can afford to buy cigarettes and get somebody to purchase them for her?...is at her part time Jon Smiths job...and that if she refuses to quit smoking?...that i'l force her to quit her job...further more?...the next person that serves or buys cigarettes to/for my minor daughter?..will be reported to the police...cause maybe in your mind?...you won't quit smoking...but i'll tell ya what...that doesn't mean i'm gonna quit being a good parent.

My wifes response?...she had given up...when i asked her what her thoughts were?...the response was..."Yeah, She's an AZZHOLE...she ain't gonna quit.

The daughter then promises me she'll quit to keep her job.

So?...the 2nd time i caught her smoking?...i take her lighter away (couldn't find any cigarettes..walking home from a friends house)...i tell'er..that's it...your Job at Jon Smithes is over....and that's when she informs me...that's okay....i was fired last week.

But neither her nor my wife were going to tell me she got fired?...so i punish her...1 months grounding and no cell phone...and after i take her cell phone away?...i begin looking at the text messages from her mother...with her mother wanting to know why she snuck out of my house the night before...with a friend that was staying over..and they didn't want me to know about that one either...and when i told her to sit on the couch?...to talk to her?...she freaked out and refused...and when i forced her down to the couch?...she flipped out..put on a drama show for my 9 year old screaming that i was killing her...while she repeatedly punched and kicked at me....she then ran away with my 9 year old as i raced to my bedroom to get my sony handycam to film my daughter acting in a way no one would believe if i told them....that's when she snuck off with my 9 year old daughter to go cry wolf.

I'm to blame for a lot....and the azz kickings begin now...to every adult in my family who served to constantly challenge and degrade my role as parent and head-of-household in my own damn home....and i'll let the shid fall where it lands.

But like i said...i truely do like the way ya think.

L8R, Bill.

 

[Relsek]

Why is it a problem that your daughter is lieing to you, it seems that you have been doing the same to your parents. It appears to me that she is just following in dad's footsteps?
The point isn't whether it's any business of your parents that you drink, but that you find it acceptable to deceive them about it. We can't expect our kids to follow examples that we are not willing to set ourselves.

Nothing personal.

Kevin

 

[JINKSTER]

(Relsek @ Jul. 15 2007,07:50) Why is it a problem that your daughter is lieing to you, it seems that you have been doing the same to your parents. It appears to me that she is just following in dad's footsteps?
The point isn't whether it's any business of your parents that you drink, but that you find it acceptable to deceive them about it. We can't expect our kids to follow examples that we are not willing to set ourselves.

Nothing personal.

Kevin

thank you for your honesty and continued friendship.

 

[NCBusa2001]

Bill, Damm bro. I just got caught up in reading all 3 pages.

My .02.

1. Not blowing sunshine up your butt, but it sounds like the deck was stacked against you from the start. Not enough Y chromosomes to balance things.

2. As you have indicated, you understand that life on this planet is short. To thy own self be true. One post said it best, about not sacrificing yourself for ANYONE.

3. Counseling is a WASTE!

I have worked in the field for over a decade. Counseling is about educating someone in how to communicate. It's not about fixing relationships. That's up to the individuals. I think everyone should be forced to take the Meyers/Briggs profile to check for compatibility first. Once you know yourself, a person can truly find what they are looking for.

4. Given the recent picture you have painted and the discussions we have had,...time to batten down the hatches. If I'm reading things correctly, the whole family has a tendency towards drama. It can and WILL turn legal at some point.

SILENCE is freaking golden. Frankly I can't believe you pulled a damm 5th step with your family. Save that for a freaking meeting and put your dollar in the basket. All you have given them now is AMMUNITION that they can fire at will.

You need to think about the rammifications involved. Imagine how easy it could be to F--k you. Imagine yourself portraied as a, well...mean-violent-alcoholic-pot smoking-coke head, who ran out on his own family. Leaving a helpless wife and three angelic daughters.

You can kiss goodbye on any chance to see your 9 year old outside of "supervised visitation". What about child support, god I hope your wife has a job and makes close to what you pull down. Alimony under the circumstances (remember you ran out, to do your horrible drugs and evil drink) I think I have gotten to know you over the years. I believe those circumstances would lead problems indeed, possibly body bags. Most assuredly police, tazer and cuffs.

Bill, put your GD big boy pants on already. your 49 ACT LIKE IT. All those "life lessons" your learned over the years, nows the time to apply some of them.

Be pragmatic and steadfast. Cover your ass and STFU. Remember the phrase, "Well, I'm sorry but my lawyer hates it when I make statements on the record without the advice of council."


Now IS NOT THE TIME to relive you youth and move to a beach condo with partying buds. It will be WAY TOO EASY for your brain to remember bad habbits. I see relapses all the time after 10-20 years sober. Most involve either grief, trauma or stress. Guess what you got all three, at once. A beer or a bowl occasionally probably isn't a big deal in and of itself. However, people get into trouble when they start "medicating the pain". Especially with the alcohol. Tolerance builds quickly in old drunks and before long it's a week long binge. Then two. Then screw the job, screw the family, give me another shot. Binges aren't pretty and your too long in the tooth to put your liver through that.

Besides, you would just be proving them right. For right now, take it slow. Do one thing at a time, do it well, and move on to the next issue.

Call if you need anything. I'll keep posted.

Chris

 

[JINKSTER]

(NCBusa2001 @ Jul. 15 2007,18:49) Bill,  Damm bro.  I just got caught up in reading all 3 pages.  

My .02.

1.  Not blowing sunshine up your butt, but it sounds like the deck was stacked against you from the start.  Not enough Y chromosomes to balance things.

2.  As you have indicated, you understand that life on this planet is short.  To thy own self be true.  One post said it best, about not sacrificing yourself for ANYONE.  

3.  Counseling is a WASTE!  

 I have worked in the field for over a decade.  Counseling is about educating someone in how to communicate.  It's not about fixing relationships.  That's up to the individuals.  I think everyone should be forced to take the Meyers/Briggs profile to check for compatibility first.  Once you know yourself, a person can truly find what they are looking for.  

4.  Given the recent picture you have painted and the discussions we have had,...time to batten down the hatches.  If I'm reading things correctly, the whole family has a tendency towards drama.  It can and WILL turn legal at some point.

SILENCE is freaking golden.  Frankly I can't believe you pulled a damm 5th step with your family.  Save that for a freaking meeting and put your dollar in the basket.  All you have given them now is AMMUNITION that they can fire at will.  

You need to think about the rammifications involved.  Imagine how easy it could be to F--k you.  Imagine yourself portraied as a, well...mean-violent-alcoholic-pot smoking-coke head, who ran out on his own family.  Leaving a helpless wife and three angelic daughters.  

You can kiss goodbye on any chance to see your 9 year old outside of "supervised visitation".  What about child support, god I hope your wife has a job and makes close to what you pull down.  Alimony under the circumstances (remember you ran out, to do your horrible drugs and evil drink)  I think I have gotten to know you over the years.  I believe those circumstances would lead problems indeed, possibly body bags.  Most assuredly police, tazer and cuffs.

Bill, put your GD big boy pants on already.  your 49 ACT LIKE IT.  All those "life lessons" your learned over the years, nows the time to apply some of them.  

Be pragmatic and steadfast.  Cover your ass and STFU.  Remember the phrase, "Well, I'm sorry but my lawyer hates it when I make statements on the record without the advice of council."


Now IS NOT THE TIME to relive you youth and move to a beach condo with partying buds.  It will be WAY TOO EASY for your brain to remember bad habbits.  I see relapses all the time after 10-20 years sober.  Most involve either grief, trauma or stress.  Guess what you got all three, at once.  A beer or a bowl occasionally probably isn't a big deal in and of itself.  However, people get into trouble when they start "medicating the pain".  Especially with the alcohol.  Tolerance builds quickly in old drunks and before long it's a week long binge.  Then two.  Then screw the job, screw the family, give me another shot.  Binges aren't pretty and your too long in the tooth to put your liver through that.  

Besides, you would just be proving them right.  For right now, take it slow.  Do one thing at a time, do it well, and move on to the next issue.  

Call if you need anything.  I'll keep posted.  

Chris

Thanks Chris....and much of what you say is spot on...namely to much drama and i need to stfu.

Outside of of that?...i cleaned up at 26 years of age...not so much as a beer or a puff for well over 15 years...nothing...and it was just 5-6 years ago that i took that 1st drink again...with several buds down from NJ who were footing all the bills (since i had just gotten laid-off) for 5 days and nights at Daytona's Biketoberfest....i was about 42 and taking that first sip scared the shid outta me...and i proceeded to party with my buds for the duration figuring that if i go home?...and have any cravings or aftershocks at all?...then i'll know...and nip it in the bud right then and there..if not?...I'll just continue to reserve such folly for my twice a year daytona trips (bike week & biketoberfest) and maybe even have a few around the campfire at night after the bikes are parked on my ride the mountains trips/rallys/bashes...but never around my wife, parents or family...and things have been going just fine on that front...no problems whatsoever...it isn't even difficult for me to keep it in check and reserve such for appropriate times and places...me time...when i'm away...and wanna relax and have a good time..and "nothing" has ever gotten out of control in that department...my problem in my youth...as is now...is "depression"...and i'm old enough and wise enough to stay away from any mind altering substances when i ain't right...like this past week...it's not a crutch and i don't use it to self medicate...that would be no-no's in my book...besides..i don't feel like freaking partying when i got problems at hand...i stay right so i can deal with them properly...on lifes terms...clean, sober and head on.

That said?...we went to my parents yesterday for our usual sunday family dinner...lines were drawn...i did the artwork...my daughter isn't looking like "the victim" here anymore...and the folks were informed that's what's left of my life is mine...to do with as i see fit...and to but the fug out...cause enough damage has been done...by all involved...especially my father and oldest daughter.

I'm fairly certain that my wife is still on the fence about the whole ordeal but...tough shid..she should've helped me do "Our Job" long ago...spoke my peace...let the cards fall where they land...i know this...no one will be controlling my life from here on out but me...no more people pleasing...and those attempt to continue to under-mine my role as head of my household or?....assasinate my character?...will pay the price of my wrath...immediately...on the spot...with no quarter given.

But your right man...thanks to my retired father who now seems to lack a life other than investigating his own son and hammering me to save his grand-daughters azz when she screws up?...i do gotz some serious problems...and not a whole lotta leverage outside of the fact that if they lose me?...god help them all....and they know that.

L8R, Bill.

 

[NCBusa2001]

Well it sounds like things are calming a bit, that's great. I hope things continue in the right direction. Hopefully your wife realizes how "different" her life would be absent a strong parent and spouse.

I'm less concerned now about you having a full blown relapse. Your head seems to be screwed on striaght at the moment.

Take it slow and still CYA for the mean time.

Call if you need to talk.

Chris

 

[JINKSTER]

(NCBusa2001 @ Jul. 17 2007,10:39) Well it sounds like things are calming a bit, that's great.  I hope things continue in the right direction.  Hopefully your wife realizes how "different" her life would be absent a strong parent and spouse.  

I'm less concerned now about you having a full blown relapse.  Your head seems to be screwed on striaght at the moment.  

Take it slow and still CYA for the mean time.  

Call if you need to talk.

Chris

Thanks Chris...and you're correct...it's calming..but it's a quiet calm...like before a storm...i'm weighing things over...still not real happy...got a tough decision to make here...the toughest i've ever needed to make.

 

[Fate]

NC has a good point "You need to think about the rammifications involved. Imagine how easy it could be to F--k you. Imagine yourself portraied as a, well...mean-violent-alcoholic-pot smoking-coke head, who ran out on his own family. Leaving a helpless wife and three angelic daughters.

You can kiss goodbye on any chance to see your 9 year old outside of "supervised visitation". What about child support, god I hope your wife has a job and makes close to what you pull down. Alimony under the circumstances (remember you ran out, to do your horrible drugs and evil drink) I think I have gotten to know you over the years. I believe those circumstances would lead problems indeed, possibly body bags. Most assuredly police, tazer and cuffs."

Glad things are calming down for you a little. I have a 11 year old step daughter going on 15 with lots of attitude and can relate with you and see things could easily head the same way, so I can relate. I did find alot of her problems were from friends and her fathers side of the family that allows her to run the show and treats her like an adult. I am sure at 15 this will not work for you, but I found that alot of it had to do with attention and the bad influences. I tried to spend, away time with her and not yell but just talk about what is bothering her and just go out and do things with her and no one else. It seems to help... But she is still young enough to have this work. 15 is a rebelious age and most teens don't feel there parents know anything nor wish to spend any time with them.

 

[JINKSTER]

(Fate @ Jul. 17 2007,12:03) NC has a good point "You need to think about the rammifications involved.  Imagine how easy it could be to F--k you.  Imagine yourself portraied as a, well...mean-violent-alcoholic-pot smoking-coke head, who ran out on his own family.  Leaving a helpless wife and three angelic daughters.  

You can kiss goodbye on any chance to see your 9 year old outside of "supervised visitation".  What about child support, god I hope your wife has a job and makes close to what you pull down.  Alimony under the circumstances (remember you ran out, to do your horrible drugs and evil drink)  I think I have gotten to know you over the years.  I believe those circumstances would lead problems indeed, possibly body bags.  Most assuredly police, tazer and cuffs."

Glad things are calming down for you a little. I have a 11 year old step daughter going on 15 with lots of attitude and can relate with you and see things could easily head the same way, so I can relate. I did find alot of her problems were from friends and her fathers side of the family that allows her to run the show and treats her like an adult. I am sure at 15 this will not work for you, but I found that alot of it had to do with attention and the bad influences. I tried to spend, away time with her and not yell but just talk about what is bothering her and just go out and do things with her and no one else. It seems to help... But she is still young enough to have this work. 15 is a rebelious age and most teens don't feel there parents know anything nor wish to spend any time with them.

well Fate?...if there's any "Lessons Learned" here that i can share with you?..it's this...

ALWAYS...be the man...and?...NEVER...let anyone else control any aspect of you, your home or your family.

I may've learned that one a tad too late..and?...as usual...the hard way.

 

[05 Busa LE]

There's no doubt that you care about your family, and, hopefully, someday they'll recognize that fact. For now, maybe your kids need to learn the hard way, if you can put up with the heartache of picking them up after you knew they were going to fall.

The issue with your wife needs to be addressed, too, since getting back to zero sounds like it was still in the negative column. And that relationship may lie at the core of all these issues, since your wife may have already told them that it has cooled quite a bit.

Your parents, like you, are worried about their kid. Look them straight in the eye and tell them--once--that you love your family, that you are still in full control of your own life, and that you are doing the best that you can to raise your kids the best way that you know how.

Finally, you've been through quite a bit yourself, and if you can look at yourself and admit that you are in control of your drinking, well, this is the only life you have, and you're entitled to enjoy yourself.

Prayers for you and your family.

 

[JINKSTER]

Well folks?...i've decided to take another tact at this parenting thing...so?...there's a new hire at my shop...he's been there for about 3 months now...just turned 18...shows up to work on time...busts his azz...quick learner...and puts in almost as many hours as i do...in good physical shape and drives a vette...when he's not driving his twin turbo ford focus....his parents are well off and well seated in local government..and as i watched this young, super responsible for his age man?...i thought...gee....why can't my daughter meet friends like that...so i invited him over to meet her and?...they sort of hit it off....basically?...they knocked each others eyes out....like a double wow!....Candice had the house spotless and was looking like a sears model sitting on the sofa...he stayed for about an hour meeting the family and telling me and the wife his background...he has a full boat football scholarship to Gtech....but he calculated that he has a 1.3% chance of actually going pro...so he took a summer job at my shop to learn and get familiar with machining before deciding if engineering is his bag...then ended off by asking the wife and i if i'd be okay if he asked Candice out (just as a friend) and take her to the local "Car Night" this saturday..he met my approval before i ever invited him over and Candice is flipping out about "what to wear" to the car show.

wifey was dumbfounded

Todays my B-Day...I'm now 49.....and?

'ing

I even got permission to go out jamming with my band of buds tonight..and we're gonna rock the house!

There's still other issues but...Thanks for ya'll being there...L8R, Bill.

 

[rockadaous]

change the friends. excellent start.

 

[BusaBret]

Great news Jinkster!

It is amazing the influence the right person can have! Best of luck!!

 

[Fate]

Great move man, I like it.... Sounds like the guy might help get her n track.. Happy birthday.

 

[JINKSTER]

Thanks folks!

I was hoping to not be too forward but then i thought...shid...hows a young girl supposed to find something when she don't even have a clue what she's supposed to be looking for?...so daddy decided to give fate a 'lil nudge to at least point her in the right direction...or?...

maybe there IS something to be said for "the cast system".

L8R, Bill.