Had a bummer weekend

[GIXERHP]

Well friday nite i was called home, my 18 year old son had come home and was making a disturbance out in the yard with one of his friends. So i show up,, only to find them smoking pot out in the shed! I flipped, i had warned them several times to knock the crap off on the property. Well they didn't listin. My son is been coded bypolar, and no matter what i try to explain to him that any thing he does affects his medication, he refuses to listen!!
So at the point i waked into the shed i flipped, his buddy at the time was the one that was smoking, not him! I grabbed him and told him never to show up again, well on his way out, his yelling that
" i don't know who im messing with". So i chased him out of the yard and informed him never to come back!!!
While i chased him i ended up tearing my calf muscle!! OUCHHHHHH!!!
So then my son starts in on me, cause i guess they had been drinking before this, telling me the same thing,, that i dont know who i messing with! I was stunned at this point ! So i told him if he didn't like my attitude he could leave also! I wasn't going to stand for this disrespect anymore!!! He's allways been a little wise mouth anyway!
So he left then too! And i went to the hospital.

Then Saterday morning his shows back up at the house giving my mother and sister a bunch of crap!
Well i called my x wife, to see if she could deal with this situation. She showed up and it was agreed to tell him that he wasn't welcome until he was going to respect us and live by the rules!
What is a parent to do, kid these days dont show respect in any matters. I've tried any possible programs that were avalible before he turned 18,,, but what am i to do know???
So i still havn't let him back home, and kinda feal like i should, but has he learned anything yet. I know he had no money, and i dont know if any of his friends have let him in!
Im really confused, and dont know what to do!

 

[300Busa]

If you let him back in because you feel sorry for him, he will never take you seriously. He will come back sooner or later, once he finds out how fun life is on your own. If I would have ever done that to my dad, I would be getting an a$$ whoopin all the way to the curb. My mother-in-law is going through the same thing with her 17 year old son. Right now he is at a camp for 6 months. He isn't there because his mother made him go either, the authorities forced him to go. I caught him stealing from his own family one day to get money for pot. I scared the shat out of him and he returned the items. I never told his mother, because she wouldn't do anything about it anyways. Your son needs to learn the hard way now while he is still young, and not learn the hard way later in life. He might act like a hard a$$, but only if you show your weak side.

 

[GJoker]

Tough love is very hard... especially on the parents~ Hard as it may be... stand by what you've said and done~ As he gets older and wiser, he will understand why you had to do what you did~ You may even have a few sleepless nights.. up with worry.... but in the long run it's all for the best~ Life lessons can be rough, but they must be sunk into our children's heads one way or another~ Some just 'get it'.. other's have to be taught the hard way...

 

[V8N3T]

Do like my dad did, I thought I could take on the world at 16....so he let me go. Been living on my own since 16, I thought I could take on the world to. Dosent work that way, I think he has to find out for himself.

 

[Cuffee]

My mother-in-law went through the same situation with my brother-in-law. Basically, they told him if he couldn't abide by their rules, then he would have to leave. He left for a little while. After getting a taste of the real world, he came back home and they never had a problem with him again. Actually, when he came back home he decided to go into the Navy. Needless to say...he did 3 tours in Iraq and now he has a little daughter and he is very happy and working very hard! I am very proud of his turn around.

 

[Wag]

(GJoker @ Nov. 13 2006,05:27) Tough love is very hard... especially on the parents~ Hard as it may be... stand by what you've said and done~ As he gets older and wiser, he will understand why you had to do what you did~ You may even have a few sleepless nights.. up with worry.... but in the long run it's all for the best~ Life lessons can be rough, but they must be sunk into our children's heads one way or another~ Some just 'get it'.. other's have to be taught the hard way...

+1 gazillion.

I don't have kids but I was one once so take this for what it's worth. Quite often, I hear the term, "kids these days," as if for some reason kids are now a different problem than they've ever been. That isn't meant to slight you or your parenting in the least but I will say that kids are spoiled by their parents "these days" more than they ever have been in the past.

They are also more bored than they've ever been in the past. Bad combination.

A comprehensive discussion on parenting is probably not productive at this point but I will say that it's imperative that you stick to your guns. You can't let him back into the house until he shows responsibility. Note that it doesn't say, "promises," responsibility. He has to demonstrate it with his actions.

He's over 18? Is he paying rent to live wherever it is he lives? If not, why the he!! not? If he's in school AND getting good grades, then fine. If not, there's no way in heaven or on earth he should be living for free when he's able bodied.

I think parents not holding kids responsible for their actions/behaviors/words is a huge factor in why kids are the way they are "these days." Parents may not be entirely to blame, however. As a group, yes, but as individuals, probably not necessarily. Moms and Dads are so often having to both work that it's very difficult for them to be home for their kids. As a result, they feel guilty about it and then turn around and spend boku $$$ on getting them "things" which only serve to assuage the parental guilt they have. Next thing you know, you have a spoiled kid. The parent feels better, though!

The words your son used on you concern me quite a bit, especially when he says, " . . . you don't know who you're messing with." It could be that he's just blowing off smoke with an idle threat from a television-inspired imagination. However, it's still a threat and it needs to be addressed at some point. I hope he's not in some damn gang and more importantly, I hope his sense of responsibility has not evaporated so completely that he believes violence against you or any others of his family is an appropriate way to deal with the situation which he has foisted upon everyone.

GixerHP, I hope you realize I'm not blaming or accusing you or yours personally. I'm just brainstorming here in an effort to stimulate thought and ideas. If anything rings a bell, I'm hoping it will serve to firm up your resolve to hold your son responsible for his actions and words.

My heart goes out to you in the deepest way.

--Wag--

 

[rockadaous]

tough love. I have 4 kids. Some time you have to take the safety net away. If his friends are friends they'll take care of him. He'll have to hit bottom before he misses what he had. If it's only pot your lucky. it could be worse. It seems like the worse the drug the worse they act. He hasn't started stealing from the house has he? Happened in my family. Not one of my kids, but my ex's brotha. He turned into a crack head and now is in jail. So don't feel bad. He could have been caught by the popo

 

[Wrath]

All the above is SOLID advice. My son also likes to think he's the decision maker around here. Do whats right, Be the parent & enforce the rules. Parent First, Freind second. My wife has a very hard time with that.

 

[JET-A]

GIXRHP,

I can feel for you now, probably more than you know. My wife and I were Therapeutic Foster Parents for years, dealing with "troubled teens". We have seen nearly the entire "alphabet group". (adhd, add, bi-polar, odd, ocd, etc....)

We have also adopted a girl who in now 11, and is headed for the same actions you are dealing with now. The most frustrating part of the deal is that as parents, we are held responsible for our child's actions. BUT, we are also held responsible to see that no "abuse" takes place. As these kids cycle through the process with counselors, TSS, Therapists, they learn what they want rather quickly. "If anyone ever touches you, you tell someone, and they will be dealt with by the authorities". What used to be known as discipline, is now known as abuse! Those who are on the outside looking in view the parents as idiots who don't know how to raise a kid. Little do they know, these parents learn more about parenting in a month, than the majority do in a lifetime. We have used every "parenting skill" taught to us by the "psycological agencies" to raise our kids. We have two grown daughters who have turned out wonderfully. And we have one daughter, raised the same way, who has difficulties every day of her life.

I feel for you.

If there is anything you can think of, which I can do to help, drop me a line. My e-mail is: JET-A@msn.com

I will be our of the country for the next month, but i will be able to have at least sporadic internet access.

Todd

 

[rubbersidedown]

Sounds like this boy needs some baby sitting....

"Rubbah Style"

Some kids are just bad. Don't blame yourself.The best up bringing and parenting is no match for bi-polar,drugs,or the wrong crowd.

Sometimes an' outside influence can help. It sounds harsh,but a few nights in jail might do the trick.

Call the cops next time. Before he goes way outa control.

RSD.

 

[dadofthree]

(GJoker @ Nov. 13 2006,04:27) Tough love is very hard... especially on the parents~ Hard as it may be... stand by what you've said and done~ As he gets older and wiser, he will understand why you had to do what you did~ You may even have a few sleepless nights.. up with worry.... but in the long run it's all for the best~ Life lessons can be rough, but they must be sunk into our children's heads one way or another~ Some just 'get it'.. other's have to be taught the hard way...

+ 1 and he's a man.

I hate to say it, but now-a-days you're better off calling 911. Get a trespass notice on the friend. Don't touch or you could wind up with an assault charge.

Good Luck Man

 

[GIXERHP]

Thanks a lot guys,, ill see what the next few days bring. Maybe he'll see the light and smarten up! Time will tell.

 

[bmbusa]

GIXERHP, I know all about what your going through, I have a step son that I have been dealing with for the past 7 years. He has always been in and out of trouble, fighting, drugs, threatning me, ect. I tried supporting him in his activities such as football and other school functions, when he turned 16 I bought him a car and told him that he had to get a part time job and help pay for insurance and gas. I was trying to give him a little responsibility.
 I wont go in to all the details, but the problem was he had always got what ever he wanted, mostly from his mother, and when I would disipline him, his mother would not support me and always gave in. I was fighting two battles.
 When he was 17, I told him and his mother he had 1 year to get his shid together. Soon he turned 18 and it was getting worse, he got in some trouble and I told him one more time and he can go some place else to live. I've got a 5 year old daughter that has seen all of this crap he was bringing into our home. One week later he was in trouble with the law, and when I approached him to ask what happpen, he started threatening to beat my a$$. That's when I told him to leave, he is no longer welcomed in this home.
 There is alot of information I am leaving out, such as all the threats he said in the past to his mother and myself, he has been in and out of detention centers and seen several counselers and therapists, I could go on forever. He only threaten me when his mother was present, because he knew she would save his a$$.
 Now that he is gone, my life is better, my daughters life is better, and my wifes and my relationship, we are still working on, but he got in some trouble after I told him to leave a couple of times, but now he seems to be doing alot better, he don't have his mother to bail him out, he's is own man now.
 I hav'nt talked to him for 7 months, but I know when he has got his own family, he will thank me for making him a man.
 I know every situation is different, but if you need to talk to someone, PM me, and we can talk by phone if you want, but stick to your guns on your decission, hard love is the only way sometimes, especially with kids today. Oh, listen to everyone that posted, they are right.

                                                    Good luck, Brad.

 

[Poppy]

It certainly will not be easy for you and your family. Every response so far has been right on the money. Remember, he is 18 and that means he is legally an adult, held accountable by the authorities. Good luck!