Am I wrong or right

[Fate]

I came from a family that gave no signs of love. I was out of the house by 17. I have no communication with my family. I made it on my own from 17 without needing anything from my family. Not saying I am not screwed up, but the idea he thinks he is owed something is the result of being spoiled not lack of love. He feels he is owed something, and it is time for a rude awakening. Life is hard and he needs to learn now at 19. If he comes back and treats the family right, talk to him and get things figured out.

no not really the point.. the point being he is at home under someone elses rule and he is debasing mom like she is a bag that does laundry and cooks..

At 19 he should understand he is in YOUR home and that SHE is your wife and deserves the utmost respect.. At 19 your need to be "coddled" is over ruled by the disrespect given "mom" is all Iat least IMO)

He wants to rule his world, he needs to create his own....

I think the love he may need is "hard love" (as I stated earlier, better late than never)

but hey, none of us is there to see the situation, I can only use my own kids as a reference point and they would never consider calling mom names or giving her a bad time.. fear? respect? beats me but it never happened..

really ought to be a book on how to deal with kids from cradle to grave (and he would be looking at the latter in my home )

 

[WWJD]

kick him out. he'll learn to fly.

 

[rubber2burn]

My 2 cents you did what you felt you had to do. I do agree with you though my son will never disrespect my wife in MY HOUSE at that age. Kicking him out though could be bad as a few stated and lead to worse stuff. Talk to the boy and try and find what is going on in the boys head see if he will enlist it was a great thing I did and helped me out of a bad place in my life.

 

[proud dad]

I'm just wondering how many are giving advise who has never experiance a problem like this

 

[Mr Bogus]

I'm just wondering how many are giving advise who has never experiance a problem like this

that would open the door to an entire new thread... (why my kids never acted like that? or "Why I killed my kid")

 

[Fate]

I'm just wondering how many are giving advise who has never experiance a problem like this

My kids are too young to kick out, but my step daughter has respect issues, just turned 13. I was on the other end of the getting kicked out thing and back the idea it is the right thing to do!

 

[proud dad]

Been through it with my youngest,now he's out of it and responsible.There's always a reason for it,and at that age,it's not lack of attention.

 

[Supergank1]

sounds like he got with the wrong crowd..something i know all about!!! a few good azz whippins from my dad and 4 years in the marines got me of the streets and away from that life long enough for me to smarten up a bit.

 

[dilligaf]

I'm just wondering how many are giving advise who has never experiance a problem like this

I have experience from the kid's perspective.

 

[proud dad]

My middle son is going on 19. Graduated high school and is now doing nothing. He doesnt want to go to school and cant hold down a job. Today I returned home from a business trip and he has been into it with his mom all weekend. So today he was still cursing his mother and that I cant and wont have. So I ended up putting him out after he thought he was going to try me; and I had to show him who was running things in this house. Then I threw him and his close out my house. I kind of feel bad but I cant have my kids talking crazy to there mother; and not following the . Was I wrong?

I bounced my youngest off the floor one night and then pinned him so he couldn't move for this behavior.Find out what he's into or who he's hanging out with.Get to the root of the problem whatever it takes.Don't let him go to the wolves.Only makes it worse.If this behavior came on quick,check for substance abuse.Even if minor,it can cause big problems.

Yea... I through him out after I kicked his ass.Then I went back to get him cause I was afraid where he might go and what he might get into.I earned his respect by putting the hammer down on him.He thanked his mom for not giving up.It's your kid,don't give up.Find a solution,but first you have to find the problem.

 

[Mr Bogus]

Oldest child daughter 27 / married - w/son - RN
Middle child son 25/ Married- w/daughter- undergrad at Vanderbilt University for his PHD
Youngest child daughter 22/ Single pursuing career in acting and modeling..

none ever in trouble with law (they got it at home), 1 valedictorian and the other 2 always on honors... they got what they needed whether they thought so or not Lucky? maybe but I still think it had more to do with MOM than anything else..

 

[Acehole]

19 and no job, no school plans....Time for them to move on. You said you threw him and his clothes out of the house. Was this done in anger? If so, that is where I might disagree. Not everyone can sit his child down and talk without seeing all the bad. It's a tough thing to do as a parent, But we ARE the adults and MUST handle our children with a calm and respect. This is how they learn. My father had a hot quick temper. He was raised that way by his father. I raised my first son the same way. he is 22 and we dont talk. I am raising my 12 y/o with calm and respect yet Firm and disciplined. I get compliments all the time on what a well mannered, respectful and giving child he is.
Sit your son down and help him to see his erroneous ways. Guide him with a plan so he may be self sufficient and send him out to start his own life.

.02

 

[Justyntym]

There is a definate line you are not going to cross and still live HERE...sounds like he crossed it.

He'll be back and in much more humble and pliable state.

 

[05 Busa LE]

If you're worried about him, have his mother call him and find out where he's at and how he's doing. Maybe he'll then understand she really cares, and then she can tell him that she'll "talk to you" about allowing him back. You can agree, but with some strict rules.

 

[Aquaman]

I was beat black and blue with extension cords, wire hangers, belts, wooden stick in the old window shades. Beating and throwing your kids out of the house does nothing positive. Spending time with them, showing that you love and care about them is what it is all about. Children learn what their parents teach them period!

 

[luvmybusa]

every situation is different and because I don't know you're full situation, I can't point fingers and say this or that is the problem. Let things calm down, have him come home, sit down at the table and have a heart to heart. Was it just a bad weekend, is it something he's been feeling for awhile and it just boiled over. the best thing you can do is remain calm and talk to him. show him that you really do care about him but you cannot allow him to act as he did. I've been through this with my family...long story that can wait for another time but I've been through this and if you need anything, don't hesitate to send a PM. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Pardini]

Bro, no one here can tell you if you were right or wrong.

You have to do some digging.

First, if there's a sudden behavior change you need to look into the possibility of drug/alchol use. Yeah, I know you likely don't think so, but do the PI thing and find out for sure. I'm talkin about going thru all his stuff, every nook and cranny and following him to find out for sure what he's into. Go thru his pockets when he's a sleep. Don't wait till he's dead or a junkie to find out that he started using when he was 19. Check out his my space and computer. It's hard, but it sounds like somethings up, your his dad, you need to find out.

Second, find out what the arguement with mom was about. It's a possibility that she dosen't handle his transition in to an adult all that well. After all, he is now an adult and probaly wants to be treated that way. If mom still treats him as a 14 year old, there will be problems. Yeah, he still lives in your household, but you can't treat him like a kid anymore either. At that age kids want some independance to make their own decisions. If mom tries to maintain her authority by screaming, yelling etc. she's going to get the same thing in return. Not saying this is the case, but do the PI thing and find out what the dynamic is between the two of them when your not around. Again, not easy but critical if you want to turn things around. A little bit of condesending attitude can destroy respect in short order.

Third, You have to restore free and open communication. Hard to do when you throw him out and don't know what he's up to. Talk to mom and him seperately. Find out what they each think the problem is. Then set up a sitdown with the three of you there. Make it clear rule #1 is no yelling, screaming, insults or swearing tolerated, say what you feel, but were family and we will respect each other. It's ok to say what you don't like about the other person , but you don't need to be insulting. Let the other person have their say , don't interrupt. The hardest thing here is for you not to take sides, mediate. Don't let it turn into a 2 Vs.1, if it does things will just get worse. Consider getting together on neutral ground, somewhere outside of home.

Fourth, if it still ain't workin' maybe he does need a tough love azz kickin'.

Don't expect it to be easy. It may take weeks or months. Just be dedicated to seeing it thru. Don't force it or overwork it sometimes people just need a little space and time to collect their thoughts.

Your family, if you don't have each other, who have you got? Someday you'll need each other, maybe sooner than you think.

 

[busabullet]

I do certainly agree that some bootcamp will show him respect and teach him dicipline. He will come back a man!
This is a much better option

This happened to a very good friend of mine. He did not go to school or get a job and he thought he was running the house. Disrespecting his parents. He came home and his key did not fit the door. His dad answered the door. The son wanted to come in the house and eat as it was dinner time. The dad closed the door and returned with his dinner plate. He broke the plate on the porch and threw his cloths out of the house and told him until he grew up and treated his parents and himself with respect he was not welcome in their home. He joined the military a week later and has actually made something of his life. You did good, and if happens with my son I will throw him out too.

 

[kinghomeboy]

ok first off just to let you know im 17 almost about to be 18 in a few months, heres my 2cents...i think wat you did was right because it seems he hasnt learned that although he is your kid and im sure you love him but he cant just own the house, and maybe he hasnt matured and in my opinion should i mean i was forced to mature a long time ago and it really has benefitted my relationship w/ my mom, so hopefully w/ wat you did he'll learn and grow up and either start to make somethin w/ himself or come back and apologize and make some plans and do stuff to start makin somethin of himself...again you did the right thing ...hope everythin works out well

 

[EarlyBird]

You did fine!!! Throwing him out will teach him your are tired of his chit!!! Respect the folks!!! At the age of 19, you really do not understand what your folks are trying to do. (Most parents are trying to help them to get out on there own, and not to be a lazy piece of chit!)....Some learn the hard way! Still talk to him, but it is your house, your wife, your rules, and his choice to follow them or leave. But try to talk to him!!! If he thinks he knows whats best for him, let him learn...it will be his fault not yours! In the end, it is his ship to sink or float!!! You are just trying to help. I had a though dad, but he meant well, never understood it until I got older!