The days go by, and still...

[PACIFICBUSA]

I miss him.

I had a dream this morning. My dad was laying on a bed, trying to get some sleep. He was in a bit of discomfort. An aunt of mine was sitting on the bed next to him, just watching over him. She told me that he was dying, and that there was nothing left that we could do.

I remember kneeling at the edge of the bed...and rubbing his back. I remember crying to him to not go...to please not go. I remember feeling choked up and beginning to cry. I was looking at him and feeling the void all over again...as if my loss had been fresh all again.

I've soldiered through the pain as best I could. Sometimes, though...I am weak. I spent a good part of my life searching for little remnants of my father that died when I was just a baby...and all the while, I neglected and took for granted the man that stepped into my life and showed me the way.

Even during his last days, I still took him for granted. He asked my mom:

"How come Paul doesn't stay home more often? He knows I'm dying..."

Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you...I'm sorry that I didn't stay for you more. I wanted you to beat it...I wanted you to emerge victorious and to be back to normal again. I couldn't bear losing you...I didn't want to lose you. I wanted you to be there so that you could continue to teach me just how much of a man I have YET to become.

Forgive me for all that I did that caused you pain. Forgive me for not being a better son. Forgive me for all the times that I fell short.

Forgive me...for all the times that you felt I didn't love you.


It's been three years, Dad...and I still hurt. I still miss you...and I wish you were here to help me get my head on straight. I'm so sorry that you had to feel that way. I've always loved you...I always have. And I miss you so much now.

I feel lost without you.





Sorry, guys. I was just feeling really down and I was hurting really bad. I guess I just needed to write and get this off my chest. I'm crying...and it hurts. I had a dream about my Dad this morning...and it's been kind of a funk ever since. Actually, come to think of it...my life's been in a funk. I'm working on getting there, but sometimes I fall short.

One day...I'll get there.

I love you, Dad...

 

[OldMan]

Be thankful for the times you did share with him, life is very short.

 

[newman]

This really tugged at my heart strings. I hope that one day you are at peace with yourself, I'm sure it will happen. Dave.

 

[Big Bo]

Pacific, you are bringing back old memories. I fight to hold back the tears. My Dad was my inspiration. My mentor. My guide. My anger. My laughter. My fear. My love. We had some good times together. When the cancer was spotted I knew he would beat it. This was the man that did not back down from anything. He always told me to go for the best. Do your best. Make your own decisions. I tried to do my best. I made him proud. I pissed him off, and like wise. Hey, that was my Dad.

I got the call late one night that Dad was having trouble breathing. The wife and I raced to the house and the ambulance was taking him away. I hauled ass to the ER. I saw Dad on a gurney being taken away.

That was the last time I saw my Dad alive. It is a very vivid image that is burned into my mind. We waited outside of the ER and the Dr. came out and told us Dad had expired.

I held it together until I got home. My wife watched her husband sob and cry like a 3 year old for hours. Damn I miss him.............He never got to see his grand children.

 

[BusaBret]

Anyone that has lost a parent knows and feels your pain. My mother has been gone 11 years and I still feel the way you do. Hold on to your memories! Best wishes for you Sir!!
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[jch364]

Man im sorry for your loss. Both my parents have passed and i miss them something terrible. not a day goes by that i dont think of them. i hope you can find peace with it brother

 

[Pipefighter248]

Paul, I cannot say that I know how you feel and hopefully I won't for a very long time. But just reflect on all the good times that you all had together and keep that in mind when you are with your little one. Let this make you become the better father and the man that you already ARE.
I know just by talking to you that you are a good fella. Let that show with your family as he done with you.
If you need anything brother then just let me know.

 

[twotonevert]

I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my fathers passing. I feel a lot of the same things you feel. I feel guilty about not being there more, and my sisters don't help. But my father taught me to be self reliant and to go off into this world and stand on my own two feet. Even though I am independent, I still feel guilty I wasn't there when he died.

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[PACIFICBUSA]

Be thankful for the times you did share with him, life is very short.

Yes, it is. It's bittersweet, in a way. I'm glad it's short because that means that I get to see him soon. Bitter in that one day, my son may hurt like I am hurting now.

Some days we just can't win.

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

This really tugged at my heart strings. I hope that one day you are at peace with yourself, I'm sure it will happen. Dave.

Thanks, Dave...and I hope that I find it too. It's been a little rough...sometimes I'm just weaker than normal.

paul

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

Pacific, you are bringing back old memories. I fight to hold back the tears. My Dad was my inspiration. My mentor. My guide. My anger. My laughter. My fear. My love. We had some good times together. When the cancer was spotted I knew he would beat it. This was the man that did not back down from anything. He always told me to go for the best. Do your best. Make your own decisions. I tried to do my best. I made him proud. I pissed him off, and like wise. Hey, that was my Dad.

I got the call late one night that Dad was having trouble breathing. The wife and I raced to the house and the ambulance was taking him away. I hauled ass to the ER. I saw Dad on a gurney being taken away.

That was the last time I saw my Dad alive. It is a very vivid image that is burned into my mind. We waited outside of the ER and the Dr. came out and told us Dad had expired.

I held it together until I got home. My wife watched her husband sob and cry like a 3 year old for hours. Damn I miss him.............He never got to see his grand children.

Damn, man...that's rough.

Nothing seemed to faze my dad...he always seemed to take things in stride and to overcome everything. I wanted him to beat it so bad...I didn't want to accept the fact that he might go. I was in denial the whole time.

I was sure that he'd beat it...and that he'd be around again. In fact, my son still asks for him..."Dad, where's Poppa? I want to see Poppa.". Kinda hurts the heart sometimes, but oh well...what can ya do?

And don't worry...he's there. He's looking in on his grand kids and smiling and laughing.

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

Anyone that has lost a parent knows and feels your pain. My mother has been gone 11 years and I still feel the way you do. Hold on to your memories! Best wishes for you Sir!!
Posted via Mobile Device

thanks, Bret. I'm scared of when it's my mom's time. I really don't know what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna handle it. Me and Mom don't see eye to eye often, but I love her completely.

I pray for strength...for both you and me.

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

Man im sorry for your loss. Both my parents have passed and i miss them something terrible. not a day goes by that i dont think of them. i hope you can find peace with it brother

Man...I'm sorry. I can't bear to think of when it's time for mom to move on to a better place. I know I'd be in the same shoes as you...looking back, missing them and thinking of them.

I hope that peace finds you as well...

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

Paul, I cannot say that I know how you feel and hopefully I won't for a very long time. But just reflect on all the good times that you all had together and keep that in mind when you are with your little one. Let this make you become the better father and the man that you already ARE.
I know just by talking to you that you are a good fella. Let that show with your family as he done with you.
If you need anything brother then just let me know.

Nathan, my brother...I love you.

I try to reflect on all the good times, but it just tears me up knowing he's gone. It especially sucks sometimes when my boy asks for him and says that he wants to see him.

I try to be good for him...and I try to be a good father. It just hits home sometimes...especially when I think of how much better of an example my dad would be for my son to follow. I mean, I am trying to emulate him, so it would be a whole lot better if my son had the real deal to follow...not my interpretation.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, though...it means alot to me. I hope all is well with you and your little ones. Please give them my love and my blessings.

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my fathers passing. I feel a lot of the same things you feel. I feel guilty about not being there more, and my sisters don't help. But my father taught me to be self reliant and to go off into this world and stand on my own two feet. Even though I am independent, I still feel guilty I wasn't there when he died.

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I'm sorry for your loss...I hope that this year is a little easier on you.

I know it can be tough...especially when you feel guilt. I'm sure your dad would be proud of you, though...most especially when he sees how you're holding your own in all this.

It's such a interesting walk, life.

 

[mrsBusawhipped]

(((hugs))) I am sure your Dad knew you loved him and that it was hard for you to watch him go through this process. Sending prayers of comfort to you and your Mom.

 

[Sous]

I recently lost my father to cancer, he was not even the same man toward the end. His stone reads "Loved On Earth, Now At Rest". When I do miss him, which is every day. I just say that to myself and realize how bad it really was at the end. I take comfort in knowing that he does not struggle to breathe, or ache to open his eyes.

Only you go cope with this pain in your heart. Stay strong and good luck friend.

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

thanks, Mrs.B...I appreciate it.

 

[PACIFICBUSA]

thanks, Sous. Yeah...I know that he's in a better place now, but sometimes I just want to be selfish and wish that he was here with me. There was so much more that I had to learn from him.

One day, though...we'll meet again. I can't wait for that day.

 

[Pipefighter248]

Nathan, my brother...I love you.

I try to reflect on all the good times, but it just tears me up knowing he's gone. It especially sucks sometimes when my boy asks for him and says that he wants to see him.

I try to be good for him...and I try to be a good father. It just hits home sometimes...especially when I think of how much better of an example my dad would be for my son to follow. I mean, I am trying to emulate him, so it would be a whole lot better if my son had the real deal to follow...not my interpretation.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, though...it means alot to me. I hope all is well with you and your little ones. Please give them my love and my blessings.

You are the real deal.
You can try to emulate and interpret the ways that you were raised. But in the grand scheme of things; it's the decisions and actions that you make that affect your family. All that you can do is to care for and love only the way that you can. Then your son will know throughout life what you know now.
Be strong brother.