This just in: Walking has been BANNED!
The Federal government has deemed that the safest way to prevent injury from falling is to ban all but the safest forms of transportation. Therefore, walking, along with runing, driving and flying to name a few, is OUT! To address the issue of how to get around safely without walking, the gov't has purchased 7 trillion Floating Armchair Transportation Assitant units (FATA$$ units).***Yes, there's only 7 billion people, but the gov't is planning ahead and a close personal friend of congressman bid on the contract to make the things. We need jobs, right?
You will be contacted within 630 days with instructions on how to receive your gov't issued FATA$$ unit. Until then...
DON'T YOU DARE FUGGING MOVE!