Tuesday Morning Jokes

The Oracle


1. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

3. A Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have drink named after you..."

The Grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Fred?"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Hey UglyCrOW,
  Good stuff, help get me going...

Later Bro..
Try this one...

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him,
so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that poop"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good." The redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!"

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself,logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Sally Mae!! This is incredible!" Bubba exclaimed.

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I caint wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, History, and Logic." replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"


"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
An old Brown Water Sailor enjoying his first day on liberty, went into a bar , sat down  and ordered himself a drink . As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him.
   She turned to the Sailor and asked , "Are you a real sailor?"  
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the Sea, Riding Ships At Sea. Riverine Boats in the Vietnam War. Visiting foreign ports, and repairing shipboard problems, so... I guess I am.
  "She said, "I'm a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women . As  soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women .When I shower ,I think about women. As I watch TV , or even eat , I think about women. Everything  seems to make me think about women."  The two sat sipping in silence .  
  A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old  Sailor and  asked, "Are you a real Sailor?"

The Old Salt replied, " Well... I always thought I was... but I just found out... that I'm a lesbian."