"Recovery"...it's quite the journey..

[JINKSTER]

and it's been a trip returning to the rooms of NA & AA after going 16+ years Clean & Sober then relapsing for the past 10 or so as i sit here today with a mere 79days C&S.....again.

The withdrawls from my longterm abuse of pain-killing opiates (enforced and supported by consuming mass quantities of weed & alcohol) were also long term and horrific in nature...sleep was completely out of the question for the first 4-5 days/nights as I truely was a "Man-On-Fire"...and even as a hobbiest musician of 52 years old I can truely relate to Eminems Recovery lyrics "As you stand there and watch me burn"...as it felt like i had battery acid running through my veins for the first several weeks..extremely weak and in mega pain...as through the first 9 months of my opiate addiction i went from 247lbs down too a low of 168lbs...and looking like the walking dead..then bounced back up to the 180's as i forced myself to eat after getting questioned by my wife one evening after she pointed out that my 12 year old daughter tossed 3-4 scoops of chicken alfredo on her plate and finished it all along with a bisquet or two while dad here got 1 scoop...only ate 1/2 of it and walked away from the dinner table claiming i was full...and that was the only meal i ate that day as many days i didnt eat at all...just drink & drug..then to recover i had to eat kiddy portions several times a day to slowly stretch my severly shrunken stomach back out to normal size where i could consume an adult portion meal..took a lot of supplimental vitamins just to make it through my work day and get to a meeting every night...i'm currently at a touch over 200 after 79 days clean & sober...and now?...

the good shid...."RECOVERY" :bigsmile:

Getting back to the rooms of NA/AA was so, so important...cause for the 2nd time in my life?...i had hit an impasse in life...a bottom...and i entered those "ROOMS" a spiritually broken man who had lost his will to live but didnt have the kahunas to check myself out..as each time at the final moments?..what little was left of my psychotic mind would revert to thinking how tough things would be for my family and how unfair it would be for my (youngest of 3 girls) 12 year old daughter Rachel...making consideration of taking the ultimate cure nothing more than a hellish mental limbo for me...and that insanity ended from the moment I entered the rooms of NA..remembering...and being reminded that there are many others out there just like myself who found the message is hope and the promise is freedom....from addiction..and i had a gut feeling it was still waiting there for me as well if i put into practice the primary priciples of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.

I almost immediately noticed that the program had "evolved" somwhat from what i had recalled years ago prior to my latest 10 year relapse and heard something new to my ears (in those rooms) vs almost 2 decades ago when i left them..people mentioning that drug addiction IS an O.C.D. based disease...and i was like...whoa...and suddenly?...it all made sense to me...my entire life made sense to me...cause?...it just made sense!..all my life...everything i ever did...wether clean & sober or screwed up as all get out...i did too EXTREMES..

I didnt join the army, navy or airforce...I joined The Marines..

When i first got clean back in the mid '80s...?...i took up archery to fill my time....2 years later?..i was ranked 2nd in the state by the NFAA and being scouted by Bear/Jennings, P.S.E., Hoyt and XI at state level competitions...and if i wasnt at work or a meeting?..i was "at the club archery range"..practing till my fingers blistered...every evening right after work and sometimes all the daylight hours of any given weekend...if i wasnt shooting or tuning a bow?..i was either buying a new one or home making more custom arrows for the one i had.

10years Later?...When i got tired of archery?...I went I.P.S.C. Tactical Shooting Competitions...always bothered me that while i was a "Rifle Expert" in the marines and High Shooter of my platoon (on pre-qual day) at parris island?..i never did very well with that rattle trap of a 1911 .45acp they temporarily issued me...$ucked...had trouble keeping'em in a sack of taters at 25yds...so?..15 years later?..I built my own...and made it nice & tight.. :bigsmile:

that's it up top there...

and did pretty well with it...club champ..even at 3 gun (pistol/rifle/shotgun competitions)...

Be'in a machinist?..I even started gunsmithing "Race Guns" on the side until the obsession wore off..just like with the archery...and then?..it was full circle back to my first love...

"Motorcycles"...in '99...and 1st it was a Kawi ZRX1100R Eddie Lawson RR (cause it was what i remembered).....then a Yami FZ1 (cause word was it was better somehow)...but was either of them good enough for my OCD'in azz?...nope...what did i absolutely just hafta have?...well?..

i'm here ain't i?

I share this because i know i'm not alone...and have come to realize that my OCD based disease has had it's way with me my entire life...the worst of it being when it manifested itself as my disease of drug/alcohol addition...cause even there?..i always had to have the best weed...a full fridge of heiniken in the garage..and on top of the fridge?..grey goose vodka...goldslauger...jager..single barrel rums...and a locking toolbox of coke, crack, mirrors, razorblades, pipes, choreboy and ultimately?..my final destination...and destruction...opiates.

So...while there is no way you can force an active addict/alcoholic to recover (as it's an inside job kinda decision they hafta make for themselves..accepting the fact that some may very well wind up supporting the statistics)...if there is someone you know and care about in your life who is like me..where they will find something they like and obsessively NOT STOP until they are tore up from the floor up and their azz is ripped out the frame?...just casually let them know...they don't hafta die...there is hope..and a way out of the insanity...that is OCD based addiction.

L8R, Bill.

 

[fast08busa]

Sounds like it has been a long yet rewarding journey you have traveled on. Congrats and good luck

 

[DevilDawg1]

Good luck with your journey my friend,

Remember

"Once a Marine, Always a Marine".

And so by saying this, you have the discipline to accomplish anything.
You have my support.

DevilDawg1

 

[RYC1966]

It is not easy to make the right chioices but it is much better in the long run...sounds like you are doing the best you can

 

[Black Sheep]

I am also in Recovery. A wise person once told me, "We trade innocense for wisdom and the price is pain". It was through this process I was forced to grow up. Life isn't as bad as I thought it would be as a responsible adult. Not sure why we run from it.

Great to hear you are getting healthy. Life is just too short to spend fuzzy!
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[JINKSTER]

Dear God what have i done?...

sitt'in here amazed at how quickly the google ads homed in on this thread...all kinds of rehab & treatment centers chimming in...amazing tech.

 

[JINKSTER]

Good luck with your journey my friend,

Remember

"Once a Marine, Always a Marine".

And so by saying this, you have the discipline to accomplish anything.
You have my support.

DevilDawg1

Thanks DD1...just like basic...i get by "One Day At A Time"...and..lotsa..

lease:

 

[JINKSTER]

I am also in Recovery. A wise person once told me, "We trade innocense for wisdom and the price is pain". It was through this process I was forced to grow up. Life isn't as bad as I thought it would be as a responsible adult. Not sure why we run from it.

Great to hear you are getting healthy. Life is just too short to spend fuzzy!
Posted via Mobile Device

Cool...long as we're sharin "words of wisdom" here's a few i've been picking up recently...

1. "We cant think our way into better living..we hafta live our way into better thinking."

2. "Whether it's to hurt them or help them..every time i jump into someone elses shid?..i'm the one that comes out stinkin!"

3. "Time to take off the robes, lay down the gavil and leave the judging job to God cause "contempt prior to investigation" will imprison no one but you."

4. "Bury your Pride before your Pride buries you."

5. "Until such time that we can rid ourselves of our expectations of others and our relationships with them to fit into a pre-concieved mold we will be unable to hear, listen or experience."

6. "You will not be able to forgive others until you are able to forgive yourself."

7. "It is often times painful, if not outright traumatic for a person who has affected a change within themself to re-enter a society that has not changed at all."

8. "Anger: is like pissin yourself in a black pair of pants...no one sees it or feels it but you."

9. "The more meetings i miss?...the more i miss using."

10. "May Thy Will...and NOT...my will...Be Done!"

it's a simple program for complex minds...L8R, Bill.

 

[red1100cc]

Cool...long as we're sharin "words of wisdom" here's a few i've been picking up recently...

1. "We cant think our way into better living..we hafta live our way into better thinking."

2. "Whether it's to hurt them or help them..every time i jump into someone elses shid?..i'm the one that comes out stinkin!"

3. "Time to take off the robes, lay down the gavil and leave the judging job to God cause "contempt prior to investigation" will imprison no one but you."

4. "Bury your Pride before your Pride buries you."

5. "Until such time that we can rid ourselves of our expectations of others and our relationships with them to fit into a pre-concieved mold we will be unable to hear, listen or experience."

6. "You will not be able to forgive others until you are able to forgive yourself."

7. "It is often times painful, if not outright traumatic for a person who has affected a change within themself to re-enter a society that has not changed at all."

8. "Anger: is like pissin yourself in a black pair of pants...no one sees it or feels it but you."

9. "The more meetings i miss?...the more i miss using."

10. "May Thy Will...and NOT...my will...Be Done!"

it's a simple program for complex minds...L8R, Bill.

hang in there jinx.
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[mnrf900r]

I am not an addict but it runs deep in both sides of my family, and I see a lot of myself in what you described about OCD and I suffer from depression. I guess Im not sure what to say here. I almost got hooked on meth but couldnt handle what it would have done to my family. One day at a time buddy, hang in there.

 

[BusaWizard]

Through God all things are possible. keeping you in my prayers.

 

[NickSully]

The company I work for runs rehab programs all across the nation so I see what you are dealing with on a daily basis. I can't say I fully understand it but I do know it is and will be a life long struggle for you so I wish you the best and if there is anything I can do please don't hesitate to ask!

 

[Vega]

Hang in there Jinx!

 

[JINKSTER]

Thanks again and again and again too all....ya'll were instrumental in my recovery here in the begining as when there wasnt a meeting to go to?..i could come here and get or even just re-read the many thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement to get me through the nasty times to stay clean between meetings...as in the begining?..i didnt have a sponsor or the support group i have today in the rooms of NA& AA...but i do now and it blows my mind that on the 27th of this month i'll already have 90 days...(3 months) clean & sober...and to me?..that's like 90 miracles in a row..and ya'll...my friends here at H.org played a serious role in that..especially Blanca Busa (Saiid) and those 12 stepp'in friends here who PM'ed me sharing their stories and telling me to hang in there and that it gets better..and it has...when i didnt believe it ever would, or could, in what seems just a few short months ago.

I've come clean & clear enough to realize and accept that I gotta lotta work to do on myself...learning shame and guilt are worthless, destructive emotions and i need to unplug the azzkick'in machine i tied myself too...and i've done that..now i'm working on trust issues...with my higher power (whome i choose to call God)...just accepting that as long as i'm doing the best i can to change me and NOT control other people, places and things?..i.e. not using...going to meetings..working the program..that the little shid somehow seems to take care of itself...i just do the footwork and reading/meditating..as i've heard some use G.O.D. as an acronym for.."Good Orderly Direction"..and that steps 1-3 are..

1. We Came.

2. We Came To.

and?..

3. We Came To Believe...

that a power greater than ourselves would help us and guide us in our recovery...and that recovery is an "Us/We" kinda thing.

Oh i still stress over some physical/financial/emotional issues but at least these days when i get all knotted up in the mind and gut?..i stop and pray instead of use and play..then put first things first and tackle'em a problem at a time taking great care not to bite off too much..and ask for my higher powers help and guidance in achieving it...which while i know this is probably childs play for those joe average, non-OCD-addict/alcoholic humanoid earthling types out there?..it's a major behavioral change for me..and to get it done in a non-rageaholic mannor is simply a stunning change for me..as i spent many days as emotional bomb looking for a place to "Go Off"...but this new way?....seems to work out way better for all invloved.

What i'm struggling with now is the acceptance that...there may be some things in my life right now that shouldnt be...i may hafta accept that my disease of addiction may have already cost me my wife and daughters long ago before i ever picked up that 1st drink or drug as i've come to accept that my controlling addict behaviors and character defects were already back in full force long before i picked up that 1st drink and/or drug many years ago..after having already gone 16+ years C&S but only the 1st 5 years "recovering" in the program...as by the time i built my first home and got married?..i had quit going to meetings...rarely if ever closly followed by never calling my old sponsor...whom btw i see every sunday morning these days..dude got like 30 years and a spiritual giant...life is great for him...and i'm happy for him...but i hafta trust...anything god puts in my life?...or takes from it?..is his will...not mine..and from what i understand?..that's a good thing...if not...a God thing...and i need to just lay back...not take control..and learn it....live it...and?...love it...

willingness....it's only a biotch if ya make it so.

Thanks again & L8R, Bill.