I've had a lot on my mind lately. What better way to provide clarity then to type it all out, post it on the internet, and allow random strangers to flame holes directly through the heart of one's philosophy.
On my mind is dating. I've taken a 5 year hiatous from dating and having a girlfirend and it's been wonderful! I've gotten to do a LOT without someone always trying to derail my high, or bring up the "Practical" side of things, everytime I stretch my wings and touch another dream. At least that is how it has been for me the last few years. TOTAL FREEDOM.
You see I've had steady girlfriends forever. Well, since I remember girls in kindegarten. I never thought they were "Icky", and they seemed to enjoy me too. Anyway, almost always had a steady girl. Not short term relationships either... the kind lasting years and years, growing and enjoying. I've NEVER been a one nighter.
But the last girl really got me thinking about the whole mating... er... dating game and what is horribly wrong with it. So here are some myths or thruths as I see them, that might need correcting:
1. DATING someone implies romantic intention, and that you are interesting in motivating the relationship along higher and higher.
WRONG! I feel that "Dating" someone is the very early first step in getting to KNOW someone slowly enough to find out if you are interesting in cultivating a relationship at all.
This is the number 1 killer for me. I see someone nice, meet them [cuz I'm out going], impress them with my humor and charm until I know they would accept a diner invitation. They do, and I am on my way to BEGINNING the EARLIEST ELAVUATION period. You know.... does she do meth or anything that would be embarassing at a family reunion. But SHE seems to be in the "gotta capture a boyfriend" mode from the git go. It's like it doesn't matter on the first few dates if I slaughter puppies for fun, as long as she gets to dress up and try to impress me, pretend to find my jokes funny, and SNARE me, cuz that's what a girl is supposed to do.
What happened to "Getting to KNOW someone" for a little while before deciding if they are worth dating ROMANTICALLY? Am I too slow? I seriously don't have the intention of nailing every girl at some point in the dating adventure - I simply want to get to know you -- are you fun? do you enjoy life? do you like variety? are you able to embrace spontenaity? etc etc which leads to
2. Longer courtships are better.
True, but nobody, I mean NOBODY seems to accept that. Women have that CLOCK thing, and they don't seem to want to wait to see if the relationship COULD stay the course. That's why there are so many divorces today. People don't live determined to point their own compass. They seem to follow whereever it is pointing them at the time.
ALL I have ever seen in women, was the need to attach to a man. I have NEVER seen a woman that did't REALLY want a man. I have plenty of female friends that CLAIM that, but it has NEVER proven true. I am not saying that is bad, I know we were designed to fit together so well, but women seem to AWALYS need to be in the hunt or captured. I am using strong words like never and always because that is truthful all I have seen. I've HEARD different, but actions speak louder and the truth reveals itself in time
Does she really want to marry ME? Or is it a time frame where she wants to marry SOMEONE?
To contrast that point, look back to me: my intention is to find someone that grows into a true lifelong friend, with common ideals, souls, direction and interests, that I KNOW will stay the course. You don't find that out during a 3 month, 6 month, heck even 1 year courtship - cuz you are too busy being fake and tryign to impress the other one. It takes a LONG TIME to KNOW another person.
Don't even get me started on their "Backup guys". Most single women have them, but there is no way in heck you could ever get one to admit it. Many times it is even submliminal to themselves so THEY don't even know it.
3. If you are not gettin physical after 6th date or 2 months, it isn't going to happen.
What the.... I can see how this works: obviously there is physical attraction and people enjoy kissing and such, but to you REALLY want to train you body to enjoy someone elses if they might not be around in a couple months? To me, that spells heart ache, hard and fast. Guys want it all the time. We know this, the girls know this, but too often getting physical is the only glue in the relationship at all. What do they have in common? Well, the both enjoy making out a lot... yeah? Gee. WHO DOESN'T! That could be with anybody.
So I guess I am a prude and try to avoid hooking a girl with my awesome kissing, too early on. Did you know that the female body bonds emtionally and chemically during stimulation? I'm not into fishing and throwing them all back. That just leaves cold fish with a jaded hook in the heart for the next fisherman.
I tend to write too much for peeps to read, so I will wrap this up even though there are tons more myths I think destroy relationships in America.
LOVE AMERICAN STYLE
So, to the American style thing..... I plan to start "dating" again, primarily because I enjoy entertaining a woman who allows herself to be entertained. It will be hard to do, because girls seem to want to get instant relationships these days. Freakin fast food world!
There are girls at work [shaddup!] from other countries and I think one is interested in me. it makes me think of the courtships in other countires compared to our selfish American ways.
There was a story about a missionary who accepted a dinner invite from a girl in a tribe. When he got there, all the generations of family were there throwing a big party. He asked what the occasion was, and was told it was a bash for the girl becoming his bride. The dinner invite acceptance was the accepted proposal in thier tradition. He didn't know the girl at all!
In America, we have huge lists of selfish demands and expectations, and at some point, even our mates fail to live up to them adn we cut them away. I have lists too - I live in America - but I hope mine is very short.
I joke about my list being very simplistic:
An ex-exotic dancer, monogamous nyphomanic Christian.
But in truth, I know what I want. I do not want just ANYONE because I feel the TIME is right to get hitched. I do NOT want someone who expects life to be the same old cookie cutter you see at work, on TV, on every street in America, nothing WRONG with that, it's just not me. I want someone who can understand exactly why we are on this planet to have fun in life, and not get buried by the world's misdirected crap.
... which is why it is easy to be alone.
So, some countries get married and don't even know each other, and stay together forever [yes, through the good AND the bad] WE in America, don't take the time to get to know our potential mate, and then we're too busy looking for another one to even scratch our head and try to figure out how we lost the last one.
We lost the last one because we lost ourselves. You can't find yourself while you are busy blending with another.
I look at relationships as ADDITIONS, not COMPLETIONS of who I am. I'm a full person by myself, and have enough to give to another. I don't NEED another to attach on and COMPLETE me. And I seek someone else like that.
.... which is why I am still alone.
And lastly, I know I will meet someone. I have a lifelong history of meeting great gals and forming solid friendships. I'm not totally ugly, live right, have a decent job, and kinda live a rockstar life as much as possible. Entertianing a woman is very fun and fullfilling to me and I look forward to doing it again. I am not in the least bit jaded against women, or broken hearted at all. On the contrary, I made a determined decision myself to abstain from a relationship for a while, just because I have never done that. It was a great learning experience and I am able to see many things with more clarity having done so.
That said, I'm jumping back in the pool. But she'll need to accept a large variety in life get used to livign OUTSIDE the box. I am looking forward to it, even though I thinking dating has turned to crap. I look forward to doing it again
I just think it might be an ugly ride getting there.
I'll be looking for someone SPECIAL to me, not just SOMEONE.
Any dating tips or comments, suggestions, experiences or debates are welcome here.
interesting diagram
I'l probably have to edit this a lot cuz my mind was wondering
On my mind is dating. I've taken a 5 year hiatous from dating and having a girlfirend and it's been wonderful! I've gotten to do a LOT without someone always trying to derail my high, or bring up the "Practical" side of things, everytime I stretch my wings and touch another dream. At least that is how it has been for me the last few years. TOTAL FREEDOM.
You see I've had steady girlfriends forever. Well, since I remember girls in kindegarten. I never thought they were "Icky", and they seemed to enjoy me too. Anyway, almost always had a steady girl. Not short term relationships either... the kind lasting years and years, growing and enjoying. I've NEVER been a one nighter.
But the last girl really got me thinking about the whole mating... er... dating game and what is horribly wrong with it. So here are some myths or thruths as I see them, that might need correcting:
1. DATING someone implies romantic intention, and that you are interesting in motivating the relationship along higher and higher.
WRONG! I feel that "Dating" someone is the very early first step in getting to KNOW someone slowly enough to find out if you are interesting in cultivating a relationship at all.
This is the number 1 killer for me. I see someone nice, meet them [cuz I'm out going], impress them with my humor and charm until I know they would accept a diner invitation. They do, and I am on my way to BEGINNING the EARLIEST ELAVUATION period. You know.... does she do meth or anything that would be embarassing at a family reunion. But SHE seems to be in the "gotta capture a boyfriend" mode from the git go. It's like it doesn't matter on the first few dates if I slaughter puppies for fun, as long as she gets to dress up and try to impress me, pretend to find my jokes funny, and SNARE me, cuz that's what a girl is supposed to do.
What happened to "Getting to KNOW someone" for a little while before deciding if they are worth dating ROMANTICALLY? Am I too slow? I seriously don't have the intention of nailing every girl at some point in the dating adventure - I simply want to get to know you -- are you fun? do you enjoy life? do you like variety? are you able to embrace spontenaity? etc etc which leads to
2. Longer courtships are better.
True, but nobody, I mean NOBODY seems to accept that. Women have that CLOCK thing, and they don't seem to want to wait to see if the relationship COULD stay the course. That's why there are so many divorces today. People don't live determined to point their own compass. They seem to follow whereever it is pointing them at the time.
ALL I have ever seen in women, was the need to attach to a man. I have NEVER seen a woman that did't REALLY want a man. I have plenty of female friends that CLAIM that, but it has NEVER proven true. I am not saying that is bad, I know we were designed to fit together so well, but women seem to AWALYS need to be in the hunt or captured. I am using strong words like never and always because that is truthful all I have seen. I've HEARD different, but actions speak louder and the truth reveals itself in time
Does she really want to marry ME? Or is it a time frame where she wants to marry SOMEONE?
To contrast that point, look back to me: my intention is to find someone that grows into a true lifelong friend, with common ideals, souls, direction and interests, that I KNOW will stay the course. You don't find that out during a 3 month, 6 month, heck even 1 year courtship - cuz you are too busy being fake and tryign to impress the other one. It takes a LONG TIME to KNOW another person.
Don't even get me started on their "Backup guys". Most single women have them, but there is no way in heck you could ever get one to admit it. Many times it is even submliminal to themselves so THEY don't even know it.
3. If you are not gettin physical after 6th date or 2 months, it isn't going to happen.
What the.... I can see how this works: obviously there is physical attraction and people enjoy kissing and such, but to you REALLY want to train you body to enjoy someone elses if they might not be around in a couple months? To me, that spells heart ache, hard and fast. Guys want it all the time. We know this, the girls know this, but too often getting physical is the only glue in the relationship at all. What do they have in common? Well, the both enjoy making out a lot... yeah? Gee. WHO DOESN'T! That could be with anybody.
So I guess I am a prude and try to avoid hooking a girl with my awesome kissing, too early on. Did you know that the female body bonds emtionally and chemically during stimulation? I'm not into fishing and throwing them all back. That just leaves cold fish with a jaded hook in the heart for the next fisherman.
I tend to write too much for peeps to read, so I will wrap this up even though there are tons more myths I think destroy relationships in America.
LOVE AMERICAN STYLE
So, to the American style thing..... I plan to start "dating" again, primarily because I enjoy entertaining a woman who allows herself to be entertained. It will be hard to do, because girls seem to want to get instant relationships these days. Freakin fast food world!
There are girls at work [shaddup!] from other countries and I think one is interested in me. it makes me think of the courtships in other countires compared to our selfish American ways.
There was a story about a missionary who accepted a dinner invite from a girl in a tribe. When he got there, all the generations of family were there throwing a big party. He asked what the occasion was, and was told it was a bash for the girl becoming his bride. The dinner invite acceptance was the accepted proposal in thier tradition. He didn't know the girl at all!
In America, we have huge lists of selfish demands and expectations, and at some point, even our mates fail to live up to them adn we cut them away. I have lists too - I live in America - but I hope mine is very short.
I joke about my list being very simplistic:
An ex-exotic dancer, monogamous nyphomanic Christian.
But in truth, I know what I want. I do not want just ANYONE because I feel the TIME is right to get hitched. I do NOT want someone who expects life to be the same old cookie cutter you see at work, on TV, on every street in America, nothing WRONG with that, it's just not me. I want someone who can understand exactly why we are on this planet to have fun in life, and not get buried by the world's misdirected crap.
... which is why it is easy to be alone.
So, some countries get married and don't even know each other, and stay together forever [yes, through the good AND the bad] WE in America, don't take the time to get to know our potential mate, and then we're too busy looking for another one to even scratch our head and try to figure out how we lost the last one.
We lost the last one because we lost ourselves. You can't find yourself while you are busy blending with another.
I look at relationships as ADDITIONS, not COMPLETIONS of who I am. I'm a full person by myself, and have enough to give to another. I don't NEED another to attach on and COMPLETE me. And I seek someone else like that.
.... which is why I am still alone.
And lastly, I know I will meet someone. I have a lifelong history of meeting great gals and forming solid friendships. I'm not totally ugly, live right, have a decent job, and kinda live a rockstar life as much as possible. Entertianing a woman is very fun and fullfilling to me and I look forward to doing it again. I am not in the least bit jaded against women, or broken hearted at all. On the contrary, I made a determined decision myself to abstain from a relationship for a while, just because I have never done that. It was a great learning experience and I am able to see many things with more clarity having done so.
That said, I'm jumping back in the pool. But she'll need to accept a large variety in life get used to livign OUTSIDE the box. I am looking forward to it, even though I thinking dating has turned to crap. I look forward to doing it again
I just think it might be an ugly ride getting there.
I'll be looking for someone SPECIAL to me, not just SOMEONE.
Any dating tips or comments, suggestions, experiences or debates are welcome here.
interesting diagram
I'l probably have to edit this a lot cuz my mind was wondering
