Joke

[OB_Yngve]

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she
would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.
She gets completely upset
"You impotent bastard!" she screams at him, "How could you be lying
to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly,
"I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids".

 

[OB_Dirty Pete]

A Roman Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were playing golf.

"This is a truly boring game," said the Rabbi.

"You're right," said the Priest. "We should have brought an altar boy."

"An altar boy?" asked the Rabbi. "Why?

"To screw of course," said the Priest.

"Out of what?" said the Rabbi.

[This message has been edited by Dirty Pete (edited 18 October 1999).]

 

[OB_cbxchris]

A couple was having problems with sex and a therapist recommended to the guy to buy his wife a sexy nighty. So he went and bought a 250 dollar nighty and proudly presented it to his wife. He begged her to take it upstairs and put it on. As she undressed she thought to herself that blind as he was if she walked down stairs nude he would not know the difference. As she posed for him in the door way she asked him how it looked(she was nude)...he looked very hard and said...dang for 250 dollars it looks like they could have ironed it.....

 

[OB_Yngve]

One day mr Hamisuzi,chief engineer of Kawasaki was out for a stroll with his old dog. Suddenly he saw an old lamp by the road. Beeing the careful person he is , he picked it up and brushed some dust off it. POFF, out came the gohst of the lamp. "Thank You sir for letting me out, I have been here for hundreds of years and because you let me out I will grant you a wish." Mr Hamisuzi had no doubt about what to wish. "I wish my old dog was like a young dog again." The gohst looked at the dog. It was not a pretty sight. It was almost blind, walked on three legs, Had a bad fur and smelled like, well you know The Gohst said :" Sorry. The dog is long overdue. I cant do anything for him exept to put him to sleep." " Oh no" said Hamisuzi. "Cant I get another wish ?" "Ok" said the gohst, "I will give U a new wish only because I couldnt furfill your first one."
Mr Hamisuzi thought for a minute then said: "I wish the new ZX12 will be faster than the Hayabusa."
" lets take another look at the dog " Replied the Gohst.

 

[Guest]

The technique for getting a nun pregnant?
Dress her as an Altar Boy.

 

[Guest]

"New Yorkers"

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce
tribe of Native Americans.
The chief says to them "The bad news is that now that we have caught
you, we are going to kill you and use your skins to build a canoe.
The good news is that you get to choose how you die".
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some and
the Frenchman says, " Vive La France!" and swallows the poison.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief provides the
weapon, the Englishman points it to his head, says, "God save the
Queen", and pulled the trigger.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork". The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and provides the fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over -- his stomach, his sides, his chest
everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over. It is horrible. The chief is
appalled, and screams, "What are you doing??? Are you crazy???
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your f.uckin'
canoe, sugar".

 

[OB_Hapo]

...a young Jewish couple were expecting their first child soon...to celebrate they went back to Niagra Falls, where they had spent their hoonymoon, but she went into early labor and ended up delivering in a local hospital...the hospital caught fire, and it soon spread to the maturnity area, where the flames had reached the nursury...after making shur his wife was safe the valient youg Jew joined the others in a desperet effort to rescue the babys...the smoke was pretty thick by then, and it was pretty much catch as can...folks was just grabben any baby they could get, so as to be shur to end up with one...the yong Jew couldn't tell which baby was his, but he saw a realy beautiful (ethnic) baby so he grabed that one and ran from the flames to present the baby to his wife. "Oy Vey", she said, " Such a beautiful child, but for why you bring us a (ethnic)! Such touble there will be!" "So tell me about the trouble", says the proud father, "At least we know he's not Canuc!"

 

[OB_Hapo]

...what did one lesbian frog say to the other? We do taste like chicken!

 

[Guest]

How do you keep a Greenie from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head!

How do you drive a Greenie insane?
Show him your Busa movie!

[This message has been edited by Todd (edited 19 October 1999).]

 

[OB_tulmann]

A young man on the eve of his wedding goes to his mother with the following question.

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

[Guest]

A couple was walking through the bazaar in Istanbul when a shopkeeper induced the woman to come in by saying he had the perfect Aphrodisiac, a pair of slippers. Her husband, being macho insisted he didn't need them. She was convinced and finally got him to try them on. Imediately a crazed look came in his eyes. He grabbed the shopkeeper, ripped his pants down and bent him over a table. All the while the shopkeeper kept yelling
NO! NO! You’ve got them on the wrong feet!



[This message has been edited by BJ (edited 19 October 1999).]

 

[OB_KEVTEC]

A kawasaki owner decided to go to college to further his education about Busa's. He talked to the administrator at the local college and was informed that he needed some basic courses which consisted of readin, righten, and logic. The Kaw owner said "I've had me readin, righten, but what is logic?" The administrator said "Do you own a weedwacker?" And his reply was "Yes." Then logic tells me you have a fenced in yard. Logic would tell me that you would have a house also. Logic also tells me that you are probably married because logic tells me this with you having a weedwacker, a fence, a nice house. Logic would also tell me that you are heterosexual. The Kaw owner spoke up and said "You're damn straight I'm heterosexual." So later that night the Kaw rider went to the local Kawasaki bar. His buddy asked "Where have you been all day?" His reply was "I was at the local college signing up for some classes to further my education." His buddy asked "What classes are you taking?" And his reply was "Readin, Rightin, and logic." His buddy asked "What is logic??" And the Kaw owner replied "Do you own a weedwacker??" And his buddy said "No" The Kaw owner said "FAGGOT!!"

 

[OB_RPM]

Sorry this is a little long, but I assure you it's worth the read!!

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls the vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will,
instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate
the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't
take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back
and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
"One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and,
upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs
are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking
the horn."

 

[OB_Bert Branson]

An obviously intoxicated mna is weaving down the sidewalk with his keys in his hand. An officer, walking his beat, stops the drunk to question him.
"Is there something you're looking for?" The policeman asks.
"I lost my car. Have you seen it? It was right here at the end of this key just a few minutes ago!"
Just then, the cop notices that the man's zipper is open and his Johnson is hanging in the wind!

"Sir!" The cop growls "You're fly is open and you're exposed!"

The man pauses a moment and says;

"I lost my girlfriend. Have you seen her?"

[This message has been edited by Bert Branson (edited 19 October 1999).]

 

[Guest]

A man sitting at a bar would take a sip of his beer and then pour a little into his left hand. He took another sip and repeated pouring a little into his left hand. Finally the bartender who was watching this asked him what he was doing. The man replied
"i'm getting my date for the evening a little tipsy. Then I'm going to take her home and take advantage of her".

 

[Guest]

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I crashed my Busa you you there to pick up the pieces. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

 

[OB_tulmann]

To all the old men on this board (incl myself)

One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.
She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about
catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".

The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and aid, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."

 

[Guest]

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs

Q:What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

 

[OB_Hapo]

...a coupla red necks went to New York to see the sites, but when they got off the bus they found they had alredy spent most of their money on the ride up from Georgia...they had $4.67 left, but figird taht wuz durn near five bucks, so they shoud get to have some good time! Well, they looked around, but things were a mite confussin, so one of 'em went into a stor looked sumthin like the apothicacry back home to try and get the lay of things while the other stayed out on the side walk to sort of mark there spot so as they wouldn't get lost...well, the first ol boy comes out after a bit, and says, "Well, we's bout outa muny but whith this hear we should have oursefs some real good time!" , and tosses a box of tammpons to his buddy. " Whut the heck we sposed to do with these?" he asks. "Well it says right there on the box," replyed the red neck, "...we could go swimmen, horse back ridden, skien...Dang! I aint never been skien!"

 

[OB_Hapo]

...I vote the "Canoe" joke #1 so far...