Joke

[OB_turbo1300]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a
>>> humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened
the
>>door
>>> she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are
you
>>> doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still
living at
>>> home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband."
>>
>>> Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound
>>> coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his
>>daughter
>>> naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he
exclaimed.
>>The
>>> daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and
>>this
>>> is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later
the
>>> mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
Upon
>>
>>> entering the room, she found her husband watching television with
the
>>> vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.
He
>>> replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[OB_BullDog]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,"Hey, y'all watch this".

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

and last but not least......drum roll please

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk!

 

[OB_BullDog]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

 

[OB_turbo1300]

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she
> tells each one of them to write back about their marriage
> life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
> by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and
> daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a
> "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
>
> The first one gets married and the second day the letter
> arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"
>
> Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House
> advertisement, and it says:
>
> "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
>
> Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there
> was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the
> Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:
>
> "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother is happy.
>
> Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
> After four weeks came the message:
>
> "BRITISH AIRWAYS"
>
> And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time
> she fainted. The ad reads:
>
> "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

 

[Guest]

Yo Momma's SO Fat ...

When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"
She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
She was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.

 

[gixxer]

One night there is this Koalo bear and he is feeling kinda horny so he decides he has to find himself a woman. So he walks down the street and he sees this gorgeous gal , he strts talking to her, one thing leads to another and before you know it they are getting it on. As they finish, the woman turns to the Koala bear and says "That'll be $50" and the bear says for what? She replied that she is a prostitute, confused the Koala rplies "whats that?". She looks around and grabs a dictionary and looks up prostitute. Prostitute- one who has sex for money. "OOOOOHHH" says the bear, he takes the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear- eats bush and leaves

 

[sherm]

(Don't know any myself so I stole this from the R1 Forum where Santo posted it.)

One day Superman was feeling a bit
horny. so, he began to ask his superhero
friends for ideas on where he could get a
bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that
Wonderwoman is the best sex in
comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied
Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are
friends. So I don't really want to take
advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved
good-bye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying
low over a city when he saw the Green
Lantern patching up a building. He flew
down. "Hey Hal ,I'm looking for a little
action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's
the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that
Wonderwoman is far and away the best
lay in
comicland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman
said, "but I didn't realize she had
gotten around so much" and he flew off in
frustration.

Twenty minutes later he was flying over a
field when he saw Wonderwoman lying
naked, in the middle of the field, with her
legs apart and up in the air.

Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he
thought to himself, "I'm faster than a
speeding bullet, I can be in and out of
there before she even knows I'm here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was
down, in and gone.

Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with
a dazed expression. "What the hell was
that??!!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as
he rolled off, "But my *** is killing me"

 

[OB_defectron]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pumps
haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings
earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take
us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him
mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained
consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it
was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't **** with him.

 

[Guest]

One Friday afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window:

"How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes hereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window:

"What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke, and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to
stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window own and yells to the guy: "So, you blue bastard of the asphalt, what do you wanna have?"

"Driver license and registration please."

 

[Guest]

A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary. Yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a return trip for two to Bali for a week.
The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out:

DJ : QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi me name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what is your word?
Caller: Gaan spelt G A A N
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Gaan fu@# yourself! Ha Ha Ha. At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff , what is your word?
Caller: Smee spelt S M E E
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Gaan fu@# yourself Ha Ha Ha!

 

[Guest]

"Blonde Mail..."

A blonde went to her mail box several times
before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to
the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply was: "My computer keeps telling me, 'You've got mail...'

 

[OB_defectron]

*******************************************************
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
--------------------

Dear Editor,

Some years ago, I upgraded GIRLFRIEND l.0 to WIFE l.0 and noticed that the
new
program began unexpected child processing that took up
a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure.

In addition, WIFE 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as POKERNIGHT 10.3 and BEERGUZZLE
2.5
no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected. I cannot seem to purge WIFE l.0 from my system. I am thinking
about
going back to GIRLFRIEND l.0 but UNINSTALL does not
work on this program. Can you help me ?

Thanks, Michael.

EDITOR'S RESPONSE
-----------------
Dear Michael,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a
primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from
GIRLFRIEND l.0 to WIFE l.0 with the idea that WIFE l.0 is merely a utilities
and
entertainment program. WIFE l.0 is an operating system and
designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall,
delete, or purge the program from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to GIRLFRIEND 1.0 because WIFE l.0 is not designed to do
this. Some have tried to install GIRLFRIEND 2.0 or WIFE 2.0
but end up with more problems than the original system ; look in your manual
under warnings - "Alimony And Child Support". I recommend you
keep WIFE l.0 and just deal with the situation. Having installed WIFE l.0
myself, I suggest you also read the entire section regarding
"General Protection Faults" (GPFs); you must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will
be to push APOLOGIZE button then RESET button before a lock-out occurs. The
system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
WIFE l.0 is a great program but maintenance is very high.

The Editor.

 

[OB_Earl]

What two words will clear out a mens restroom faster than anything else??
"Nice d.i.c.k.!"

 

[Guest]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they
laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you d%ckhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

 

[OB_Dirty Pete]

Two Irishmen, SoreHead and his pub crawl buddy, were fishing in their little wooden rowboat on a big lake in Northern Ireland.

Sorehead's mate reels up a rusty lamp and...you know...out pops the inevitable Genie with one wish to grant.

"I wish the whole lake turned into beer!" says SoreHead's buddy and *POOF* the lake turns into the finest suds in the land.

"Fer krissakes what have you done!" yells Sorehead.

"Whaddido?" whimpers his buddy.

Moans Sorehead, "Dork! Now we gotta piss in the boat!"

 

[Guest]

What food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?


Wedding cake.

 

[OB_Earl]

That was good Todd!! Everyone at the office got a kick out of it.

[This message has been edited by Earl (edited 27 October 1999).]

 

[sherm]

Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDOWS 99 SUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside
the South. If you have one of these, you
may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition
may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It
reads "WINDERS 99," with a background picture of General Robert E
Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is
shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver. Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse."
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and a roll of
duct tape" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SUTHERN EDITION:
OK: Ats aw-right
Cancel: Stopdat
Reset: Try 'er agin
Yes: Yep
No: Nope
Find: Hunt fer it
Get: Fetch it
Go to: Over yonder
Back: Back yonder
Help: Hep me outa here!
Stop: Kwitit
Start: Crank 'er up!
Settings: Sittins
Programs: Stuff dat duz stuff
Documents: Stuff ah done did
Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 99:
tiperiter: A word processing program
colerin book: A graphics program
cyferin mersheen: Calculator
outhouse paper: Notepad
jupe-box: CD Player
iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
pichers: A graphics viewer
irs: MS accounting software
irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files
tax records: Usually an empty file
coon dog: American kennel club records

You'll recognize WINDERS 99 SUTHERN EDITION, as it comes
pre-loaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the World Wide Web.
Fishin': Bass Anglers Sportsman Society -NRA: National
Rifle Association
Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
Riffel: Winchester home page
Pistul: Smith & Wesson home page
Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
House: Mobile home repair services & movers by zip code Cuzzins:
Complete database of southern residents
(extremely long download time)
Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
Racin': NASCAR schedule with TV stations that carry the races
Car 'n truck parts: Junk yards by zip code
Doc: veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of WINDERS 99 SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it
to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all
y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

 

[OB_Dirty Pete]

A couple of American hunters trek up to Canada on their travel agent's advice that it's legal to hunt and shoot Indians up there.

As they pull their pickup truck into a small northern Ontario town after 22 hours of driving, they stop and pick up a weekend's supply of beer. Six cases of good Canadian-brewed Molson's go into the box of their pickup.

They stop for dinner in town and while they're packing down the moose steak and mashed potatoes, they notice 5 obviously intoxicated Indians jump into the back of their truck and start hauling off the cases of cold beer.

The American hunters spit out their moose meat, run out to the street, grab their rifles from the truck cab, and mow down all the Indians in a hail of semi-automatic gunfire.

The local police constable casually saunters up to them, stepping carefully over the Indian corpses, and proceeds to write out a $50 ticket for each of the hunters.

"Hey officer, I thought it was legal to hunt and shoot Indians up here!" complained one of the American hunters.

"Yep," said the police officer, "you can hunt'em, but you can't bait'em."

 

[OB_turbo1300]

> > >
> > > Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
> > > won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her
> > > fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with
> > > everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
> > > conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
> > > agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by
> > > 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
> > > pumpkin. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.
> > >
> > > The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't
> > > show
> > > up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
> > > love-struck and *very* satisfied.
> > >
> > > "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
> > > diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
> > > ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
> > > everything."
> > >
> > > "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his
> > > name?" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
> > > other...."
> > >
> > > ****************************************************
> > >
> > > Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
> > > judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
> > > Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
> > > f***ing Goofy."
> > >
> > > ****************************************************
> > >
> > > Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she
> > > ran
> > > up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his
> > > face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
> > >
> > > ****************************************************
> > >
> > > Did you know...
> > > Captain Hook died from jock itch.