Joke

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula. "Stay out of those,â€￾ she said, "they're for the funeral.
 
Trust the computer industry to shorten
"Year 2000" to "Y2K." It was this kind of
thinking that caused the problems in the first place.
 
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a
>> > > > patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him,
>> > > > "Charlie, what are you doing?"
>> > > >
>> > > > Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a
>> > > > good trip and leaves the room.
>> > > >
>> > > > The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he
>> > > > stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how
>> > > > are you doing?"
>> > > >
>> > > > Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
>> > > >
>> > > > "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room
>> > > > and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob
>> > > > sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,
>> > > >
>> > > > "Bob, what are you doing?!"
>> > > >
>> > > > Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
 
> > >> > A rich white guy decided that he wanted to
> > >> > throw a party and invited a
> > >> > few of his buddies. He also invited Leroy, the
> > >> > only black guest at the
> > >> > party. He held the party in the backyard of his
> > >> > mansion.
> > >> > Everybody was having a good time drinking,
> > >> > dancing, talking to the
> > >> > ladies. At the height of the party, the rich
> > >> > white guy said," I have a
> > >> > man-eating alligator in my pool and I will give
> > >> > anyone a million
> > >> > dollars if he is man enough to jump in."
> > >> > All of a sudden there was a loud splash and
> > >> > eveyone turned around and
> > >> > saw Leroy in the pool! HE WAS FIGHTING THE
> > >> > ALLIGATOR AND KICKING IT'S
> > >> > *** . He was doing head butts,jabs,chokeholds,
> > >> > all kinds of **** .
> > >> > Water was splashing, the alligator was
> > >> > screaming.
> > >> > Leroy finally strangled the alligator and it
> > >> > sunk to the bottom.
> > >> > Leroy then slowly got out of the pool.
> > >> > Everybody was just staring at
> > >> > him. The rich white guy said, " Damn......I
> > >> > guess I owe you a million
> > >> > dollars..." Leroy said," No, that's okay." The
> > >> > rich white guy said,"
> > >> > Man, I have to give you something, you won the
> > >> > bet. How about half a
> > >> > million?" The brother said no. The rich white
> > >> > guy said" Come on, I
> > >> > insist on giving you something......how about
> > >> > stock options....a
> > >> > Rolex......maybe a Porsche......? Again,
> > >> > Brotherman said "No". The
> > >> > confused rich white guy said, "Well Leroy, what
> > >> > do you want?" Leroy
> > >> > said," I just want the muthafucka who pushed me
> > >> > in the pool."
> > >> >
 
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."
 
Children's Books That Didn't Make It...
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29.Sure you can walk to the store by your self
30.Joe camel is your friend
31.Only the first sip of jim beam tastes bad, after that it's yummy
32.Cheating is the best way to get good grades
33.Why daddy doesn't tell mommy about the condoms in the glove box
34.Just say yes
35.Mommy' special friend the mail man
36.How to buy cigarettes
37.How to use mommy's credit cards
38.How to load a gun
39.What to say to daddy's boss on the phone
40.How to trick the baby sitter
41.How to start Daddy's car
 
Funny, my daughters seemed to come out of the womb instinctively knowing #31.

Maui, it's good to know there are people as sick as myself. The police mental forensics man said there weren't any. Meet you behind the big tree near the playground on Sunday at noon. Don't wear that black trenchcoat like you did last time.
 
Wait until they learn #37

By the way, no one is as twisted as you are. Although a good secound place for myself isn't bad (or is that good?)

No trench coats in Hawaii, grass skirts, and ti leaves.....

Maui
 
A young couple are making passionate love in a van when suddenly the girl yells out "Whip me, whip me!"
The guy doesn't have any whips on hand, but not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl notices that the marks from the whipping are starting to fester a little, so she goes to a doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head the doctor says, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring...
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
-----------

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
 
Mental
A repairman is walking thru a mental
institution. He comes up to the
first room and sees a man swinging an imaginary bat.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a home run, I'm outa here",
replies the man. The repairman wishes him
well and continues on his way.

In the next room, there's a guy swinging an
imaginary golf club.
"What the hell are YOU doing?", he asks.
"I'm Arnold Palmer, as soon as I make a hole in one, I'm outa here."
The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room.

There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his **** .
"What the hell are you doing!" he asks.
"I'm good time nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
 
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He
could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had
about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at
once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned
against a lamppost.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I
substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
 
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a maledeer
with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint.What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!
______________________________________________________________________
<< Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a
young lady nearby began
to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad
time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big
Texan hands and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping,
she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her
panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked, that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said,"Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
________________________________________________________________________________


The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son", said the priest. Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic,
and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing
that you need to confess", said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk --you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest."Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind.
Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son", said the priest. The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?
_______________________________________________________________________
THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES

COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY 'BOUT A MAN NAMED JOHN.
A POOR EX MARINE WITH A LITTLE FRACTION GONE-
IT SEEMS ONE NIGHT AFTER GETTING WITH THE WIFE
SHE LOPPED OFF HIS DONG WITH THE SWIPE OF A KNIFE.

PENIS, THAT IS
CLEAN CUT.
MISSED HIS NUTS

WELL, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THERE'S A GINSU BY HIS SIDE,
AND LORENA'S IN THE CAR TAKING WILLIE FOR A RIDE
SHE SOON GOT TIRED OF HER PURPLE HEADED FRIEND
AND TOSSED HIM OUT THE WINDOW AS SHE CAME AROUND THE BEND.

CURVE, THAT IS
TOSSED THE NUB
IN THE SHRUB

SHE WENT TO THE COPS AND CONFESSED TO THE ATTACK
AND THEY CALLED OUT THE HOUNDS JUST TO GET HIS WEENIE BACK
THEY SNIFFED AND THEY BARKED AND THEY POINTED, "OVER THERE!"
TO JOHN WAYNE'S HENRY THAT WAS WAVING IN THE AIR.

FOUND, THAT IS
BY A FENCE
EVIDENCE

NOW PETER AND JOHN COULDN'T STAY APART TOO LONG
SO A **** DOC SAID, "HEY I CAN FIX THAT DONG."
A NEEDLE AND A THREAD IS ALL WE'RE GONNA NEED.
AND THE WHOLE WORLD WAITED 'TIL THEY HEARD THAT JOHNNY PEED.

WHIZZED, THAT IS
EVEN SEAM
STRAIGHT STREAM

WELL HE HEALED AND HE HARDENED AND HE TOOK HIS CASE TO COURT
WITH A HALF-ASSED LAWYER CAUSE HIS ASSETS CAME UP SHORT
THEY CLEARED HER OF ASSAULT AND ACQUITTED HIM OF RAPE
AND HIS PECKER WAS THE ONLY THING THEY DIDN'T SHOW ON TAPE.

VIDEO, THAT IS
UNEXPOSED.
CASE CLOSED.

YA'LL SLEEP ON YOUR STOMACHS NOW, YA HEAR......

COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY 'BOUT A MAN NAMED JOHN.
A POOR EX MARINE WITH A LITTLE FRACTION GONE-
IT SEEMS ONE NIGHT AFTER GETTING WITH THE WIFE
SHE LOPPED OFF HIS DONG WITH THE SWIPE OF A KNIFE.

PENIS, THAT IS
CLEAN CUT.
MISSED HIS NUTS

WELL, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THERE'S A GINSU BY HIS SIDE,
AND LORENA'S IN THE CAR TAKING WILLIE FOR A RIDE
SHE SOON GOT TIRED OF HER PURPLE HEADED FRIEND
AND TOSSED HIM OUT THE WINDOW AS SHE CAME AROUND THE BEND.

CURVE, THAT IS
TOSSED THE NUB
IN THE SHRUB

SHE WENT TO THE COPS AND CONFESSED TO THE ATTACK
AND THEY CALLED OUT THE HOUNDS JUST TO GET HIS WEENIE BACK
THEY SNIFFED AND THEY BARKED AND THEY POINTED, "OVER THERE!"
TO JOHN WAYNE'S HENRY THAT WAS WAVING IN THE AIR.

FOUND, THAT IS
BY A FENCE
EVIDENCE

NOW PETER AND JOHN COULDN'T STAY APART TOO LONG
SO A **** DOC SAID, "HEY I CAN FIX THAT DONG."
A NEEDLE AND A THREAD IS ALL WE'RE GONNA NEED.
AND THE WHOLE WORLD WAITED 'TIL THEY HEARD THAT JOHNNY PEED.

WHIZZED, THAT IS
EVEN SEAM
STRAIGHT STREAM

WELL HE HEALED AND HE HARDENED AND HE TOOK HIS CASE TO COURT
WITH A HALF-ASSED LAWYER CAUSE HIS ASSETS CAME UP SHORT
THEY CLEARED HER OF ASSAULT AND ACQUITTED HIM OF RAPE
AND HIS PECKER WAS THE ONLY THING THEY DIDN'T SHOW ON TAPE.

VIDEO, THAT IS
UNEXPOSED.
CASE CLOSED.

YA'LL SLEEP ON YOUR STOMACHS NOW, YA HEAR......

[This message has been edited by sherm (edited 10 November 1999).]
 
>TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
>
>10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
>
>9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
>
>8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
>
>7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
>
>6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
>because you are.
>
>5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
>
>4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
>
>3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
>
>2) Less guilt the morning after.
>
>1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
 
What do you call a 12 year old girl from Arkansas who can run faster than her brothers? A virgin...( Ah wonder...wuz Clinton's sister Fast?)
 
Hayabusa.org - General Discussion Forum - "Happiness Is" topic. Kind of a long version of the nuthouse jokes being posted.
 
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