What do I do with a 21 year old who is making a very bad decision

[TallTom]

Tough being a parent. I got a 19 year nephew dumped on me when his parents gave up. I figured, I'd just work him back to being a good attituded person. NOPE! As has been said here. You need to let them do what they are going to do and learn the lessons.

He had dropped out of HS. They had given up on him. I had a pretty good business building pool enclosures. My crews made $1000 a week each. I told him, stick to the work, don't be late, don't listen to what others say, listen to what the boss says and in about 5-6 months you can be making the same money.

In the meantime I put him up in one of my rentals I was rehabbing. I said when you're not at work, you will be helping me with this place. In exchange for free rent. This lasted about 2 months. It ended the day I said, take my truck (my personal truck) home and I will pick you up in the morning in the crew truck. I will take my truck and you ride with them. Now you'd think that was pretty clear instructions.


His undoing was having wheels for the 1st time in 2 months.

The next morning,I went to pick him up and he wasn't ready. No answer at the door. No sounds of anything. I let myself in. He is OUT COLD on the bed. I wake him up and sent him on his way to the job. Behind in the room was hypodermic needles and spoons. (drugs). The one time he had transportation, he went and brought drugs. I come to find out later he had chyt being sent to him from his old crew that he was "trying to get away from". Sent to MY property!!!

I took a used one to my job and asked them tell me what it was. It was heroin missed with OxyContin. They mix the chyt and shoot it up.

I called my cop friend and said...I have a problem. Told him the story. He said Tom, I have been a cop for 18 years. Trust me, this is bigger than you and no matter what you think, you won't change this. He asked for his name and I gave him all the info. Tom he is wanted in Alachua county for drug trafficking. Small time dealer level. He said, "You will lose everything you own if we find these drugs in anything you own."

So I called him and said, your chyt is out on the street. I don't care where you go, but it won't be anywhere I own. You can't throw me out, you have to evict me! I said.......you're lucky I don't make you evaporate. Come get your crap or I will burn it.

It took him 5 years to figure it out. Then he started to fly right and has actually made a decent life for himself now. I got a call from his sister (my niece) saying...Uncle Tom he is getting married and wants to invite you to his wedding. I didn't go but I did agree to talk to him on the phone. Uncle Tom...everything you told me to do back then, I blew it with you. But I remembered it. And now I am doing it and I am gonna be OK now. I have a good company that is mine and employees and I realize now what I did to you. And I'm going to live right now.

Let him go Don. It worked for me. It worked for him. It worked for the others that posted here. The more you protect them, the longer they flounder.

 

[ogre]

some kids are harder headed than others. myself for instance, it took 10 years away from home and smashing my head against multiple brick walls (so to speak) for me to pull my head out of my ass. i was hard headed, but i learn eventually. if he's the same way, he's got a tough couple years coming.

 

[VaBusa]

just my thoughts..

take it for what it is..

my son 21 yrs old and doing well in school.(environmental law) .At the age 16 thought he ruled the world and could not be stopped ,he came and left the house as he pleased and no regard for his actions..i laid back and watched and listened to what was going on.. My wife was a complete mess and was worried that we were losing our son to drugs and booze. i slowly got a hold of his contacts and locations of where he was spending his time.. several months went by and i was well informed of what he was upto and where and who he was hanging around with(this was the key) I timed my visit to where he hung out , A so called good friend of his had an apartment he shared with several older teenagers,i made my way up there when i knew my son was not there..I proceeded to knock on the door..Young man opened the door and asked what i wanted..i pulled out a machette and told him that if my son ever shows up here to kindly send him straight home and that i would appreciate that he no longer associates with him in the future.. in exchange for this service he would not have to deal with me in the future.

My son did call me screaming "what the hell dad!!!" " what did you do!!!" " my friends don't wannabe anywhere near me" ..I then explained to him that these were not friends,they were just a phase in his life that i decided he did not need anymore..

Today we laugh about it..but he is grateful, what seemed at the time something totally wrong , could not have been a better move for him..

This i learned from my father..

My 21 year old son and 16 daughter are my pride and joy.. I will do whatever i can to help them ...

At 16, I can see jumping in and intimidating other bad seeds in your young child's life. Hell, I could so see me doing that and never thinking twice, and my sons at age 12 and 14 know I'd do it now, so they will likely do their best to NOT do stupid stuff just to avoid Mom from being "that person" in their lives :tantrum:

But Don's got a 21 year old son, which most likely means his peers are also adults. It's a whole different ball game at that point. You're crossing over in to a realm that, as adults, you can't just push yourself in to and not risk becoming a statistic or being tossed in jail. I applaud you for stepping in and handling your son like you did. I think once they pass high school age, things change and you can't do those things anymore, not without risking everything you have, your life, your finances, your job, and for what? An adult is going to do what an adult wants to do. I still maintain he's gotta let him walk the path he's choosing and hope for the best outcome, even if the path is the more painful, crooked one.

Don, how did the talk go last night? Been thinking about you all...I sure hope something went positively lease:

 

[Don Hardcastle]

Tom, thank you for the wonderful story.

Vabs,
The talk went well. His mother and I expressed our concerns. Told him our expectations, things that he must do in order to stay on her insurance and cell phone plan. I did make sure that he understood my home was not going to be a yo-yo every 2 weeks because it didn't work out for him. We told him that we loved him and that we would be here for him and the things that we are going to require are because we want him to be successful. We talked to him about the lease agreement. He is moving in with a married couple. They want him to pay half. We encouraged him to negotiate paying 1/3. There are 3 people. There are a couple of other things. He may or may not do them. We will see. He will be out by the end of the week. I've been trying to figure out a way to attach that room to my garage...

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, advice and concern. This is the true meaning of family. You guys are great.

 

[skydivr]

My daughter is 13 and it's stuff like this that scares the crap out of me.

Having said that: He's 21. He needs to understand that he doesn't go to juvi anymore, he goes to the big house, and he's got the purtiest mouth in the place. And mommy/daddy can't just come sign for him anymore (I had this conversation with my nephew and it stuck). If he wants to be an adult on his own, his mommy needs to stop paying his bills. A good dose of reality before he gets into too much trouble might be good for him...

 

[VaBusa]

Tom, thank you for the wonderful story.

Vabs,
The talk went well. His mother and I expressed our concerns. Told him our expectations, things that he must do in order to stay on her insurance and cell phone plan. I did make sure that he understood my home was not going to be a yo-yo every 2 weeks because it didn't work out for him. We told him that we loved him and that we would be here for him and the things that we are going to require are because we want him to be successful. We talked to him about the lease agreement. He is moving in with a married couple. They want him to pay half. We encouraged him to negotiate paying 1/3. There are 3 people. There are a couple of other things. He may or may not do them. We will see. He will be out by the end of the week. I've been trying to figure out a way to attach that room to my garage...

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, advice and concern. This is the true meaning of family. You guys are great.

I'm sure none of it was easy for either side in this, but at least you have communication, and that you and your ex are able to talk is awesome. My ex and I are the same, but far too many don't have that luck, sadly.

I hope your son takes things to heart and figures out what he wants out of life. It's certainly not easy. I have been telling my sons (ages 12 and 14) for years now that they won't be living in my basement at age 30, playing XBOX as a career, so better start with plan B thinking NOW and always Things they do now will affect them later and all of that stuff, but at the end of the day, kids live in the moment and don't understand how they end up where they are until perhaps it's a little late. It's never too late to turn things back though, and fix the path you're on.

Here's to hoping he just finds whatever it is that makes him happy; that's what we want for our children - to be happy.

Keep us posted Don...

 

[E Zurcher]

I'm sure none of it was easy for either side in this, but at least you have communication, and that you and your ex are able to talk is awesome. My ex and I are the same, but far too many don't have that luck, sadly.

I hope your son takes things to heart and figures out what he wants out of life. It's certainly not easy. I have been telling my sons (ages 12 and 14) for years now that they won't be living in my basement at age 30, playing XBOX as a career, so better start with plan B thinking NOW and always Things they do now will affect them later and all of that stuff, but at the end of the day, kids live in the moment and don't understand how they end up where they are until perhaps it's a little late. It's never too late to turn things back though, and fix the path you're on.

Here's to hoping he just finds whatever it is that makes him happy; that's what we want for our children - to be happy.

Keep us posted Don...

I've been telling my boys the same thing. They are 19 now (twins). One has high functioning autism and is now in Job Corps learning how to be a welder. He is excited about his future and so are we. The other wants to join the Navy but has been waffling on what he wants to do.

Guiding them as a parent has been very frustrating. Here in New Mexico they can go to school with free tuition but they must start right after high school and stay in it until the end. Both of the boys were on an IEP in High school so they were allowed to take only two classes a semester to stay in the lottery scholarship. The one who is now in job corps just couldn't hang with the college level work, which was expected, and we found him the job corps alternative. The other did ok in his first two classes but decided on his own, without discussing it with us to not enroll in the second semester. That was fun dinner time conversation for sure. He has told us he will be seeing the Navy recruiter on 19 May. I also bought him ASVAB testing prep materials which to my knowledge he hasn't even touched yet. If he doesn't go to the recruiter, on 20 may a lease agreement will be sitting at his place at the dinner table and he will begin paying rent which we will put away for him. I have no problem doing this because we have discussed expectations and planning till blue in the face so it will be no surprise to him. Of course he does not want any advice from the parents and has to do everything his own way. The one thing we made clear is that he will not be working at Sonic Drive in, blowing all of his money on video games and sitting home playing games on his off time on daddy's dime. I'll give him a good hard kick in the ass in the right direction and hopefully he heads that way.

If I had it all to do over again, I would not allow any type of gaming in my house. That would have been hard for me since I have been a gamer since the Atari 2600 days. It's just too much of a distraction over what's important in life. Gaming has become ingrained in millennial lifestyle so it's a hard thing to deny them.

 

[rubbersidedown]

This will sound cold Don but hey,who's doin' the talking now.

This is going to be fun to watch:

He thinks its all going to be so much fun.First mistake,never move in to a place where you are the odd man out,especially in a one guy vs a couple situation.For starters,does he really think he is going to get an' equal vote on anything. Guess who is going to be running this show? I'll give you a hint,the one with the breasts. If this is a 2 bedroom apartment situation its going to be really great fun for you to watch. Does he think he'll make the choices on what to watch on TV. Nope. Do you think he'll be bringing home girls whenever he wants? Nope. There better be 2 bathrooms or he'll be doing "The Penguin" 3 blocks down the street to the local 7-11 to take a dump while she soaks in the tub for 2 hours.(yup,chics do that.) LOL. He will get to go out on the town with this new buddy of his 2 or 3 times before SHE lays down the law.(jealousy is a bi7ch). LOL. He has yet to move in and they are already trying to take advantage."We only use one bedroom,you get one bedroom,thats fair." She says.LOL. Guess what,they use twice the hydro,hot water,etc etc. Are there 2 fridges? There better be. They will eat his food,but God help him if he touches any of her "Special Food" (yogurt,fruit,whatever) LOL. This deal is going to have you in stiches Don. He will do his best to hide the truth,but it will slip out eventually. I give it 2 month's tops. Does he think he will get away with leaving a mess behind,then going out? He's gonna have "dish pan hands" for the first time in his life. You'll get to laugh Don when he finds out there is no "Toiletries Fairy". Thats right kid,toilet paper,tooth paste,cleaning supplies,etc...all that shi7 dont magically appear in the cupboard every month. He's probably thinking he's gonna be spending all his disposable income on beer and chic's. Maybe for the first month,till SHE gets pi55ed off. Stay up late drink beer,listen to music,watch tv...sure,till SHE has to get up early for work. He has it made living at home,and in about 60 days he's gonna find that out the hard way.


Sit back Don,crack a beer,and enjoy the show. It will be entertaining,I promise.

RSD.

 

[Don Hardcastle]

Rub, I love your outlook.

 

[VaBusa]

If I had it all to do over again, I would not allow any type of gaming in my house. That would have been hard for me since I have been a gamer since the Atari 2600 days. It's just too much of a distraction over what's important in life. Gaming has become ingrained in millennial lifestyle so it's a hard thing to deny them.

Well crap, where was this advice about 4 years ago?!

My oldest is an XBOX junkie, and the younger one is on his laptop, an avid gamer as well. I'd love to know just how man hours they spend just sitting there, gaming. We have had laughs scrolling through XBOX live at all of the 30 ad 40-something's "live from Mom's basement" that clearly made a career out of "Mom, I can't afford to move out" while they go work at GameStop to fulfill their dream of getting discounts on their next great game that's coming out next month. Yep, they even stitch together the old live feed/web cam for our enjoyment so we can watch them play their games and explain how exciting that life is. I tell my boys repeatedly "See these guys? Yeah, you don't get to be them!"

 

[Don Hardcastle]

If I had it all to do over again, I would not allow any type of gaming in my house. That would have been hard for me since I have been a gamer since the Atari 2600 days. It's just too much of a distraction over what's important in life. Gaming has become ingrained in millennial lifestyle so it's a hard thing to deny them.

But then who would I play Destiny with?

 

[orenp]

My 2 dollars worth:

1) Background -- My wife and I raised 5 kids. 2 were her's; 3 were mine. Now they're all our's. The oldest is 44; youngest is 31. Amongst all of them, none have ever been in jail, there are 9 grandchildren, there's a combined total of 12 years of military service, and one divorce. We've been up, down, angry, happy, not speaking, and Lamaze coaches. No ex on my side; my first wife died of cancer when the kids were young. Her ex is a great guy that we both get along well with.
2) The keys are respect and communication. Respect goes both ways, not just from the kid to the parent. Your son or daughter must believe that you respect them as adults, too. Communication means everyone can honestly, openly, respectfully, and with proper decorum express their feelings, fears, desires, and expectations. It also means you don't ever keep your mouth shut. All you really have as a parent is your ability to communicate and thereby help them avoid a pitfall or make the best choice. You can make a child do something but you can't make an adult do anything.
3) The kids need to know that you love them unconditionally, that we will all make mistakes (but that's no excuse), and that all you want for them is the best life they can make for themselves. You cannot protect them from themselves, their choices, or their friends. All you can do is give them the benefit (if any) of your life experiences and be their sounding board when they need you - and make sure its a positive experience when they do. Once they hit the adult world your 'parental role' changes from a controlling influence to a mentoring influence.
4) This is a long process; it doesn't happen overnight. The groundwork starts when they're very young, not when they're 14 and you just caught them climbing back through their bedroom window at 0530 or you're at RiteAid buying a pregnancy test kit for your 16 year old. By the way, been there, done both. Everyone survived. No, she wasn't pregnant - but she sure wanted to be.
5) Don't forget - they are individuals -- they're not you or your wife. They have their own personality and point of view. Sometimes that's the hardest part and it ends up being the most rewarding.
6) Don't get caught up in expectations -- of them or yourself. Guilt from not meeting expectations is not a tool - its a weapon.

 

[rubbersidedown]

Nice write up. ^

RSD.

 

[Blanca BusaLess]

He's 21. Nobody can tell him what to do as they know everything at that age.
Relax and don't push it to hard. Your disagreeance with him may push him further down the wrong road.
Support him and tell him how you feel but in the end he will have to make his own decisions. At 21 I'm sure he thinks he's 'man' enough to do things on his own. So let him try. Just be there as a dad always will to pick him up if he falls.

 

[HOOKDADDY]

Sometime ppl have to ffall on they face to see clearly as for our kids we want the best and for some a bit ofstruggle is need it

 

[Strife]

Wait let me get this straight.... He is still on the insurance and cell phone bill at your EX's expense? You really need to drop that the day he moves out and let him know it is going to happen. No stopping by for free meals or launder soap etc... Really need to drop the ball on him if he is not going to go to school. You already have invested a lot into your son. STOP it if he doesn't want to invest in himself. Let him know what eating Ramen noodles every night is like and running out of stuff like toilet paper etc...

Glad the talk went semi well, but if he is not going to take advantage of the scholarship and is working at a dead end job.... You need to be strong and let he experience how tough life is. The free ride ends at the front door.

He might not talk with your both for a while or try to work on the weaker heart for some hand me outs, but stick to your guns.

What if something happened to you both (you and ex) and he had no one to rely on. How is he going to learn these survival skills if you don't let him learn while you are alive. Because a crash course on everyday living is a lot easier to administer while you are alive to oversee it.

I have a nephew that wrecked his car doing something stupid and had no money to pay for it. Tried to save money on insurance by not having collision on a 2005 Dodge Charger. Asked for family for help and was told no. He was told "You dug your hole and you can dig yourself out". Well it took him about a year to get the car back on the road and him bumming rides from friends and some family(not much from us as we wanted him to learn the lesson) during that time. He had to taxi to work a few times. Let me tell you that one experience of how important money and responsibility is changed his attitude quite a bit. He learned how hard life can be with one stupid decision and was no longer the responsibility of his family. He had girlfriend problems because she grew weary of playing taxi and such. Plus the usual stuff related to not having transportation. Prior to the car accident he tried college and flunked out losing his grant money and couldn't re-apply for a year. So this upcoming semester he is able to us grant money again and we'll see how his new outlook on life will be applied to school. He was told if he flunks out, he will also be living under another roof.

 

[VaBusa]

It's all about prepping your kids for the real world. I think we all think we're doing our best to do that, and coddling them or "fixing" everything so they don't have to ever feel the burden or pain or want for anything might seem like we're helping them, but I feel, as many here do it seems, that in the long run, you've done nothing to prepare them for real life.

I know of too many kids that are coddled far too much. I also know life will smack them so hard one day, it's going to hurt. It's hard when you're the parent in the middle of raising kids to know what's coddling and what's just "being a parent". I struggle with it myself. I get used to doing for my kids, doing their laundry for instance - Omar's the one that alerted me to the simple fact that they're old enough to know how to do this by now, and he was right. I wasn't trying to coddle them on purpose; I was just doing what a Mom does, going through the motions. I know it's a tiny example, but I can see how we get caught up in life and before you know it, you're fixing way more than "doing laundry" for your kid, he's 21 and you're wondering why he can't figure out why life isn't going his way. It is usually a mix of how we are raising them and how they've grown up/cut that umbilical cord to thrive on their own.

My over-used phrase with my two sons for the last two years is "Do you want Mom and Dad to wipe your a$$ or do you want to grow up knowing how to do for yourself?" then we discuss kids they know have a Mom that wipes rears constantly and how those kids are growing up being useless lumps...so, my kids know, but the burden is also on me to stop doing everything for them. It's not easy...

 

[Strife]

Just wanted to add that if she's not on board with letting him do his own thing on his own the moment he walks out the door, then have her come here and read this thread. Sometimes reading what others been through and how they handled it can bring out that inner strength to do the right thing.

Not sure what the agreement is on the phone and car insurance, but if it's to give him time to get money to pay for it, then he needs to be able to pay for it before he moves out. How can he be expected to pay for it later on if he can't now. It's not like it's a force move out situation. We all grew up without cell phones and turned out ok.