What do I do with a 21 year old who is making a very bad decision

Don Hardcastle

Busa Ridin' Sailor (ret)
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So my son, who is supposed to start EMT school in Aug told me today that he is moving out and in with some of his friends. Those friends have been a negative influence since day 1. His mother and I are divorced but are great friends. We are at a loss at how to try to make him understand how stupid this is. He works at Mazzio's making barely minimum wage. Any advice would be great.
 
Ughhhh...wow, as a parent, I can only imagine how you're feeling right now Don :( I know I'd want to say/do so many things if this were my own sons (and who knows, one day it might be), but there's a part of me that also knows the more we parents push, the more kids push back. I watched my sister push and push and push back at our parents in ways you would not believe (they too were divorced) and it wasn't until they both agreed it's time for tough love that she was forced to grow up. She still made mistakes and fell flat on her face; it was so hard to watch for my parents (sort of gratifying for me, I won't lie...it got old being the only responsible kid LOL), but for all of their "helpful advice" and trying they did, all she ever did was give 'em the middle finger and do what she wanted. In the end, before she finally "grew up and got over herself", it cost her a college degree that was right in her very hands, and she never went back to get that degree. A full ride to college, *poof*, gone, all because she thought she knew better than our parents did. It tore our Dad up, but that was the tough lesson she learned.

I think knowing what I saw first hand, if this ever happens in my own world with my own sons, I'll likely have to do my best to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. It's the hardest decision in the world because even as I type it, I really wonder "Can I do that?"

I do think it's OK as a parent to voice concerns for your child's well-being, and let them know you're there for them, always. But, there's also a limit to what you can do and they need to know that. If your son is heading down a path that will cost him his job or if he's walking away from that EMT role he wanted, that might mean a path of poverty. He needs to know you won't be there to fix that/pay his way while he does whatever he wants, THAT'S the line, right? You'll have to figure out where your limits are and make sure he understands where the lines are drawn.

Life is a lesson we all learn as we go through it and make mistakes. Some lessons are learned the hard, slow way; my sister lived that. I think it's the toughest part of being a parent - watching your child make the mistakes. :(
 
Vabs,
Thanks... His mother and I believe that these friends had influence in his decision to throw away a $130,000 scholarship at Tulsa University. We are just beside ourselves but can't really do nothing.
 
The big key is NOT fixing their problems. If he makes the wrong decisions in life, let HIM pay for those decisions. Every person I've ever met in life that was coddled turned out to be worthless.

Sorry, that sounds harsh. Let me rephrase that.. I can't. It's true.
 
Vabs,
Thanks... His mother and I believe that these friends had influence in his decision to throw away a $130,000 scholarship at Tulsa University. We are just beside ourselves but can't really do nothing.

It's heartbreaking to watch. I wish I could publicly tell you all of the things I watched happen in my family with my sister. Let's just say she put my parents through it all, and they tried so hard to "fix" her, get her to see what she was doing, but you just can't.

We all see the mistakes being made, but the person doing all of this only sees what they want to see and what they think they want. It's not until it's way too late that they realize the mistakes they made that led to where they end up. My sister was probably in her mid 20's when she finally started to come out of her fog, but by then the ride to college was gone and she was stuck job hopping. Her life is good now, married a great guy, wonderful kids, but the sad fact is not every story ends up great.

Like I said - hardest part about being a parent is standing by and watching your child make the mistakes. But at 21, he's an adult. What can you honestly do to change the path he's choosing? I truly feel for you. I don't know what I'd do if my boys do this. :(
 
Vabs, you will post up here to us and say WTF do I do? lolol and I'll reply, "remember when................?"
 
Vabs, you will post up here to us and say WTF do I do? lolol and I'll reply, "remember when................?"

Oh, trust me, that's why I am sitting here feeling your pain and knowing it's so much easier to dole out this advice than to be living it :(
 
You didn't say how old your son is? If he is making Minimum wage then it shouldn't take to long for him to figure out that moving out was a mistake.

Does he have his OWN vehicle meaning NOT in your name? If you own the vehicle tell him he can't have it.
If you pay for the car insurance tell him you are going to drop it and he will have to pay for it. Any car repairs will be his responsibility too, IF it's his car he is taking with him.
Does he pay for his cell phone? If not drop that too. A big one is Health care - You could drop that if he isn't living with you. Not sure if that would sink in
as if he is healthy then he would never think he needs health care.

Those MIGHT make him think twice. But like others have said you can't live your son's life for him and there are mistakes he HAS to make just like
all of us have done. But because YOU have made them (mistakes) like the rest of us you want to save him some pain.

He thinks that moving out will give him freedom to do what ever he wants without having to answer to his parents, that's pretty common.

What ever you do you can't be an enabler - If he moves out and then comes over looking for money you have to say NO.
There has to be a price for his decisions just like everyone else. We all make decisions and have to live with what comes from them.

Good luck and I hope he wakes up soon.
 
The car is in his and his mother's name (paid for)... she pays the insurance and cell phone. She won't shut his phone and insurance off until at least August because of an agreement she has with him. He has no health insurance because he can't be on mine unless he's in school, (supposed to go back to school in August). After he got sent home from Navy Boot Camp, they didn't like that he took adhd meds when he was younger, the Bank O' Dad was closed permanently.

After throwing away a $130,000 scholarship to a private school, I'm ready for him to feel the pain of life. His mother and I are divorced but great friends... we have been arguing all day about this crap.


He's 21.
 
Coming from a (moderately) successful 25 year old without a college degree... let him fail on his own two feet and see how quickly life becomes real. I was in a similar position when I was 19. I had moved away after drinking/partying away a scholarship at a university. I got a job, enrolled in a community college and kinda just went through the motions of life for a couple years with no direction. He will figure it out... there are some lessons that just have to be learned first hand.

I have 0 parenting skill or advice but coming from the other side of the age spectrum that's how I see it.
 
The thing I've learned as mine have gotten older 25 and 27 is that you never get to stop being a parent. For some reason I always felt that when they moved out...some kind of kid closure or something. Nope, still a parent, always a parent. Sorry for the rough times. Take a breath and realize it is his decision, and he'll have to live with it. He gave up a scholarship, and apparently that was important to you but not to him. (It would be super important to me too if it matters) At some point in his life, he'll reflect and maybe have a different opinion on the matter.
 
Guys and Gals, thanks so much for the words of advice and encouragement. We are having a family meeting tonight (mom via phone). If you live close to Tulsa and see a mushroom cloud on the southwest side then it didn't go well.
 
Guys and Gals, thanks so much for the words of advice and encouragement. We are having a family meeting tonight (mom via phone). If you live close to Tulsa and see a mushroom cloud on the southeast side then it didn't go well.

I'll be thinking about all of you!!! Good luck :please:
 
Vabs,
Thanks... His mother and I believe that these friends had influence in his decision to throw away a $130,000 scholarship at Tulsa University. We are just beside ourselves but can't really do nothing.

Christ look at my English.... " .........can't really do ANYTHING"
 
just my thoughts..

take it for what it is..

my son 21 yrs old and doing well in school.(environmental law) .At the age 16 thought he ruled the world and could not be stopped ,he came and left the house as he pleased and no regard for his actions..i laid back and watched and listened to what was going on.. My wife was a complete mess and was worried that we were losing our son to drugs and booze. i slowly got a hold of his contacts and locations of where he was spending his time.. several months went by and i was well informed of what he was upto and where and who he was hanging around with(this was the key) I timed my visit to where he hung out , A so called good friend of his had an apartment he shared with several older teenagers,i made my way up there when i knew my son was not there..I proceeded to knock on the door..Young man opened the door and asked what i wanted..i pulled out a machette and told him that if my son ever shows up here to kindly send him straight home and that i would appreciate that he no longer associates with him in the future.. in exchange for this service he would not have to deal with me in the future.

My son did call me screaming "what the hell dad!!!" " what did you do!!!" " my friends don't wannabe anywhere near me" ..I then explained to him that these were not friends,they were just a phase in his life that i decided he did not need anymore..

Today we laugh about it..but he is grateful, what seemed at the time something totally wrong , could not have been a better move for him..

This i learned from my father..

My 21 year old son and 16 daughter are my pride and joy.. I will do whatever i can to help them ...
 
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