Does anybody on here(the org) ever ponder over one's own demise

[VaBusa]

No caffeine.

Scroll down in the link to the science of withdrawal, as that is exactly what I experienced.

Caffeine Withdrawal Symptoms: Top Ten

I detoxed from caffeine over a year ago to see if I could quit the rebound headaches I live with, daily...it took 9 days of agony to get out from under the initial shock, then I was finally headache free.

I slowly got back in the routine of having caffeine in my life again, but I think (no, I know) I'd be better off without it. Very interesting...I struggle with most of what's listed in that article.

Sorry for the sidebar here Rubb...

[VaBusa]

Good link Jelly.

I don't drink coffee ever and soda is rare. I Drink more water than anything else, about 3 quarts a day.

Now doesn't chocolate have caffeine in it? Maybe it's a different kind or much lower amount IDK.

I'm not a soda drinker either, and yes, chocolate has caffeine...

My caffeine comes from OTC meds like Excedrin Migraine or Goody's/BC powder...anything for headaches It's a daily thing for me; very hard to stop.

[rubbersidedown]

I have tried to hide it as best I can from friends and family but for the last ten years(brain injury etc 2005) I have been suffering from dibilitating anxiety,severe panic attacks,depression,S.A.D,PTSD,chronic pain(8 damaged discs,knee surgery needed AGAIN,foot surgery required,etc) Have been thru the mill with dozens of specialized doctors,therapists,shrinks and treatments.Nothing seems to work for me and I think I'm just tired of it all. I do hope those out there that read my story can get help and have better success than me. I have not worked since Dec 2011. Thats alot of time to spend alone. Wouldn't wish it on anybody.Have been told it can be harded for men to come to terms with this sort of shi7 because of the social stigma and the fact that we are supposed to be the strong ones,the providers. I guess when I hit rock bottom,basically forcing the wife outa the house,it was the begining of the end. My insurance company cut me off from benifits for over a year leaving me with zero income. How they figured that would HELP me,I have no idea. Hired a lawyer,got re-instated. They pay me a whopping $1400.oo a month. Rent is $900.oo + bills. Doesn't leave alot left over for "Good Times". Life certainly can from time to time...Kick You in the Ballz. You guys have been awesome with your suggestions. I one desire,somebody reads this and it helps them. The alcohol binge is over. I will take the hand that has been dealt to me,but I won't embarrass my daughter,one one true love I have left.
She will be leaving next Friday to see some of the places(France mostly) the Canadians fought in world war II and to perform. She is my pride and joy. She is in the military reserves (her grandfather was PPCLI for 38 years fighting in France,Germany,Italy,Medateranian and later in Korea. The tour starts in England where she will meet the Queen in a private setting. When she gets back,she will go to the nations capital for 4 months attached to the Canadian Colour Guard. She plays many instruments but usually writes the music and plays tenor drum for the Pipes and Drums of the Honour Guard. The pic below was a special day,especially for a young female as she was selected to lead the procession. Because of the anxiety/panic disorder I rarely get out to see her. I missed her send off party yesterday. Had terrible chest pains.

I have one thing forsure,a unique and special little girl.

RSD.

[rubbersidedown]

She hates these photo's sometimes. They make her look a little pudgy.She is not. Its the 7 sq yards of material needed to make a kilt.

[VaBusa]

She is someone to be proud of Rubb!!! That's awesome! Congrats to your daughter

As for you my friend, I'm telling you, while we aren't all walking in your shoes at this time, we can all point to certain moments or spans of times in our own lives and list out the rough spots, some are not as bad and some might be far worse. Count your blessings where you can (like your beautiful daughter and the fact that she needs you, of that I'm certain) and work toward making your life whole again. It's not easy, but most things in life never are...

Can you work at all right now? Just anything to get you out there, doing something? You need to be occupying your time with something other than what's filling it now, even if it's giving back to your community, donating your time to a charity, something to help you feel like you're a part of something bigger right now...

[Sketchy_Camel]

Sweet pics Rubb. Im checking in you you bro

[rubbersidedown]

Beautiful advice Michelle.

Today I dont feel like giving up as bad as I did yesterday. Your right,very special daughter.

Awards and honours by the dozen. Plays several musical instruments(flute sax percussion,and more),Miltary Reservist,black belt tae-kwon-do,Phsychology degree,helping to start her own Pipes and Drum band,Highland Dancer,working on a certified personal trainer certificate,going on to university this fall for more courses,she wants to help returning veterans with their issues,and on and on and on...

Anybody bored of my proudness yet...

Rubb.

[VaBusa]

Not bored at all!!! Helping Veterans hits close to home...I've been thinking of ways to get my sons involved with doing the same; that hits close to home for me and far too many Veterans return with issues that are so hard to overcome...

Yep, you have a lot to be proud of Rubb

[rubbersidedown]

Not bored at all!!! Helping Veterans hits close to home...I've been thinking of ways to get my sons involved with doing the same; that hits close to home for me and far too many Veterans return with issues that are so hard to overcome...

Yep, you have a lot to be proud of Rubb

Tottally honourable endeaver right M.
Everyone thinks Canadians dont play any part in world conflict anymore. They are wrong.
She wants to specialize in helping them overcome PTSD etc.

Rubb.

[rubbersidedown]

Speaking of giving back. Is there any of my Org friends that need a Gen I seat. Very nicely made.
Discovered it this morning looking thru some boxes. I had it made for this Busa,but no longer have it.
Kept the seat thou.

The Kanji is red...Kentucky Red to be exact.

Yours for the asking. The stiching would compliment a Busa with red accents like levers etc.

Bought it for this Busa....

[rubbersidedown]

Lost the nutz & bolts to attach but hey,just use the ones on your stock seat.

[Excursion05]

Beautiful advice Michelle.

Today I dont feel like giving up as bad as I did yesterday. Your right,very special daughter.

Awards and honours by the dozen. Plays several musical instruments(flute sax percussion,and more),Miltary Reservist,black belt tae-kwon-do,Phsychology degree,helping to start her own Pipes and Drum band,Highland Dancer,working on a certified personal trainer certificate,going on to university this fall for more courses,she wants to help returning veterans with their issues,and on and on and on...

Anybody bored of my proudness yet...

Rubb.

If anyone says they are bored of your proudness it sounds like your daughter can kick their a$$. I can tell you are very proud of her, and you should be. I have a HUGE amount of respect for anyone that wants to help vets.

I haven't been on for a few days and so haven't chimed in to support you. I agree with all the things others have already said. I too have been through a divorce that about killed me and have suffered in the past from thoughts of suicide. I don't consider myself a strong person and I can't even subscribe to the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" school of thought. Sometimes it breaks us down and cripples us. The only thing I do well is I just keep going. I get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. And that's what saved me, because HE did have something more planned for me.

On Easter Sunday my church played the video below. It's about a local radio personality that went to rehab when his drinking got out of hand. You don't have to watch it but if you do, I think the most important message starts at about 2:48. Don't rob someone else of a blessing by refusing to accept their help. There are some good people on here that would and will help you without asking anything in return (except I think ViperWhiteBusa might want you to mow his lawn ) Pick one of the hands that is reaching out and grab it. It could change your life.

https://vimeo.com/124566473

[rubbersidedown]

Excursion..thanks,that was fuggin beautiful. Real tear-jerker. Scott's story.

Rubb.

[Adam G]

Glad to her your drinking binge is over. I am a recovering alcoholic. April 6th, 2015 was my 2 year sober anniversary. Have not had a drink and pray to God everyday that I never do again and thank Him for my sobriety. It has changed my life. I mean, no joke, I have never been happier. Lost my sister a year ago this past January. She was 33 years old. Died of alcoholism. Runs in my family something terrible. Was quite an interesting experience growing up in an alcoholic home. I could go on forever about my sobriety and what it means to me but the bottom line is I think you will feel a lot better without booze in your life. and I applaud you for staying away from it.

I for one think a heck of a lot of you and we have never even met. I scan the new posts and look for old RSD so I can read what you have to say. I like your humor and I like you perspective on things. Do whatever you gotta do take care of yourself sir, there is a reason that you are here. Whatever that reason is you need to find that for yourself. Once you are doing what you are meant to do you will thrive. Keep searching, you will find it!

[rubbersidedown]

Thanks Adam,and congrats on your sobriety.Booze is not my biggest problem,but it does plague me from time to time. I have a hard time forgiving people and these days its real tuff. I feel like my last wife really let me down. Kicked me to the curb when I was at my lowest. Dont get me wrong,I'm no angel by any stretch of the imagination but I always thought thats when folks were supposed to stick by each other the most. One day she left,and for good reason,but I always thought I would hear from her in a day or two. I had to be the one to call her. I waited for seven months thinking,"Oh,its my birthday,she's bound to call today." "Its Christmas day,I'm sure she'll call." Not even once to even let me see my dog. I say "my dog" because we got him for the express purpose of helping me thru the day-to-day. He was like a service dog (like the kind they get for veterans and folks with other needs/problems.) I'm having a hard time forgiving that. Its not like I did anything really horrific. I got angry and trashed our house when she didn't come home for 2 days. We still fight about that.She maintains she told me where she was. O well,ancient history. I'm just not sure we ever truely loved each other or we wouldn't have done such things. The relationship she wants now is for me to be her "dirty little secret" kept hidden in a corner only to be brought out to play with at her convenience.She maintains I can call her anytime I want.Sure I can.But if she is with her family,certain friends,or even folks like my own nephew,etc....good luck on a return call. She has spent several nights here,(even staying overnight) at my place hanging out,having drinks,watching tv,but that is something she doesn't tell her family some friends and of course her new boyfriend.LOL. I feel like a 3rd class citizen after almost 20 years knowing one another.I feel like I'm being "kept around" to buy lunch and take her for Busa rides. I don't think there is a true "friendship" to be had ever.Maybe I'm wrong. It might be time to say goodbye forever. It will be tough,as I lost all her family and 90% of our friends in the break-up.

Sure sucks to be alone night after fuggin' night...but it might be time for me to put my big boy pants on.


I have always had a wife or girlfriend in the picture since I was about 15 years old,with very few days gap in between them and to tell ya the truth...

I don't think I know how to be alone. When you suffer all these mental problems as I do, loneliness can be absolutely fuggin brutal.


Well, thats enough of makin' myself feel shiddy for now,take care all,have a nice evening. Rubb.

[VaBusa]

Thanks Adam,and congrats on your sobriety.Booze is not my biggest problem,but it does plague me from time to time. I have a hard time forgiving people and these days its real tuff. I feel like my last wife really let me down. Kicked me to the curb when I was at my lowest. Dont get me wrong,I'm no angel by any stretch of the imagination but I always thought thats when folks were supposed to stick by each other the most. One day she left,and for good reason,but I always thought I would hear from her in a day or two. I had to be the one to call her. I waited for seven months thinking,"Oh,its my birthday,she's bound to call today." "Its Christmas day,I'm sure she'll call." Not even once to even let me see my dog. I say "my dog" because we got him for the express purpose of helping me thru the day-to-day. He was like a service dog (like the kind they get for veterans and folks with other needs/problems.) I'm having a hard time forgiving that. Its not like I did anything really horrific. I got angry and trashed our house when she didn't come home for 2 days. We still fight about that.She maintains she told me where she was. O well,ancient history. I'm just not sure we ever truely loved each other or we wouldn't have done such things. The relationship she wants now is for me to be her "dirty little secret" kept hidden in a corner only to be brought out to play with at her convenience.She maintains I can call her anytime I want.Sure I can.But if she is with her family,certain friends,or even folks like my own nephew,etc....good luck on a return call. She has spent several nights here,(even staying overnight) at my place hanging out,having drinks,watching tv,but that is something she doesn't tell her family some friends and of course her new boyfriend.LOL. I feel like a 3rd class citizen after almost 20 years knowing one another.I feel like I'm being "kept around" to buy lunch and take her for Busa rides. I don't think there is a true "friendship" to be had ever.Maybe I'm wrong. It might be time to say goodbye forever. It will be tough,as I lost all her family and 90% of our friends in the break-up.

Sure sucks to be alone night after fuggin' night...but it might be time for me to put my big boy pants on.


I have always had a wife or girlfriend in the picture since I was about 15 years old,with very few days gap in between them and to tell ya the truth...

I don't think I know how to be alone. When you suffer all these mental problems as I do, loneliness can be absolutely fuggin brutal.


Well, thats enough of makin' myself feel shiddy for now,take care all,have a nice evening. Rubb.

That's a tough bit to read Rubb...you've had a rough road, for certain

Only thing I can offer up, and it won't help you much, but here it goes - each of you have very different experiences in a relationship, so what you saw/experienced was likely far different than what the house mouse was experiencing. For whatever reason, she walked. Maybe she'd had enough, maybe she'd allowed some crap to build up for years, or maybe she'd just had enough and couldn't man up and just tell you along the way all the things that were on her mind. Who knows. I do know it's not good to be in that space, lingering, with her, in and out, back and forth, being used when she wants you, then you're nothing...it's not healthy for you at all. You need to cut those ties with someone that hurts you to this day and move on to better things in life man. We've all likely had to do that at some point, and trust me, ripping off that band-aid is far easier in the long run than the slow tearing you're doing right now. Just rip it, done, look ahead. You deserve better! Been there, done that, and while I don't have all that you've had going on, we've all had problems in life, so much shid that you honestly think you can't take one more thing, then one more thing drops on your head and you think "no, not one more thing..."

Two choices are to keep going, or not...the not part isn't much fun Rubb, so push yourself and keep going man. Remember that sweet daughter of yours and keep going

[rubbersidedown]

No point in asking for advice if you are atleast not going to consider it. Thanks M.

Some of the folks have mentioned they felt better having given up coffee(anxiety).

I won't be buying any more coffee. With my personality it shouldn't be a problem.4

RSD.

[rubbersidedown]

Next to go will have to be the cigarettes. That will be a tough one.I'm not gonna tackle that for a bit,getting rid of all my vices at once would probably send my body into complete shutdown. :errrr:

RSD.

[red1100cc]

as a person that carrys guilt also, I understand.
but you cant shoulda coulda woulda.
sober up as much as you can and dive into something that will take your mind off things.
hit the road for a week or two if you can.

it helps me to get away a few times a year. it puts thing in perspective when your 3000mi from your problems.
sometimes your problems disappear before you get back, sometimes not; but either way the world always looks different after a long ride.

you are not alone.
please don't kill yourself.
we really would miss you.

[rubbersidedown]

The free Busa seat mention above has been spoken for and mailed this morning.

Rubb.