A Father Speaks Out On Fathers Day...

[JINKSTER]

I'll be 52 years old next month...I have 3 daughters...Candice 18, Marissa 17 and Rachel still at a rather innocent 12 even though recently she's been getting scolded for using language unbecoming (can ya tell i was in the military?..usmc..semper fi...ouuuurrrAAAAHHHH!)...even dropping the F-Bomb a time or two recently..(which really flips her moms switch..so bad in fact that i get so nervouse i start laughing which NEVER helps matters much)...sad to say but true..and the following changes have taken place...


at 26?...i hit bottom..former us marine gone wannabee rock star and dedicated drug addict...played 27 bars down in altlantic highlands, long branch and asbury park NJ during the summer of '84...and by summer of '86?..i called my parents at the wee hours of the morning while trying to learn the song "Seven Spanish Angels" with the intent of just saying goodbye cause i couldn't beat my addictions..2 months later?...i commenced from 2 months of in-house drug rehab and proceeded to go clean and sober for almost 17 years...

in that time?..i educated myself and became a precision sheet metal fabricator/machinist/welder in te aerospace industries...built a home...got married...and had 3 daughters...

Recently?...life has become far more challenging...the wife and i have been steadily drifting apart for the past 10 years of what will be our 20 years of marriage (the 23rd of this month)...my oldest daughter is pregnant and has moved in with her boyfriend (and his mother & sister) down the street...the good news is the last two are learning from her mistakes and seem to fear treading in their older sisters footsteps..and i?..i guess i'm softening up..

I can recall wanting to go archery hunting for grizzly and/or moose back in my 30's...now?..i couldn't bring myself to kill such majestic creatures..i'd rather take a picture..but then again?...maybe not.

I feel kinda useless these days...the trials and tribulations of raising 3 daughters has taken it's toll...and during te past 6 years my addictions have come back to haunt me...not in denial at all as now i'm an educated addict which is even worse..so?..i continue to manage my unmanagability on a daily basis..to kill the pain of having a family thats spun out of control with a wife who has been FAR less than supportive as a parent/mother or a wife...so i deal with what i never have dealt with b4 in the only way left that i know how.

disfunctional family would be an understatement...

i find myself torn between love and hate...

at times?...i hate myself for what i've become.

but this is the burden of a man...one i must continue to carry...it is my duty...it is my honor...it's..dads job as a dad..to carry on...no matter what difficulties may be encounterd on the road of life..for the entire family...so?..

I salute you fellow fathers...the family torch carriers...those who have hung tough where i may have fallen short...god bless you all on this fathers day.

L8R, Bill.

 

[Takeuon]

Great freakin' post Bill! While I am still a relatively new Father by comparison, this hit home for me.
Being a Father has definitely changed my life for the better. Is it an ongoing struggle for me? Sure it is! But as said in your post,
It is my duty, my honor and I'm proud to be a Dad.
Hang in there my friend.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Bigdog5]

Keep your head's up gentlemen, the world needs more fathers like you!! Not perfect, but working and fighting to do what's right each and everyday. I'm proud to know you MEN!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE DAD'S OUT THERE!!

 

[skydivr]

PUT THAT SH_T DOWN NOW! It is not helping you it is dragging you down into a place you do not want to go. IT IS NOT YOUR FRIEND BUT YOUR WORST ENEMY!

 

[J'Man]

It's reassuring to know that an all knowing and loving God can meet any and all of our needs. All we have to do is accept him in our heart. I could never beat my addictions until I accepted Christ as my saviour and developed a personal relationship with him. I was convinced that I had made such a wreck of my life that I could never turn it around. I couldn't have been more wrong. All things are possible with Christ. He is the great restorer!

Matthew 11:25-30- Come to me , all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Isaiah 40:18-31- Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

May God be with you and Bless you!

Jeremy

 

[kromdom]

Thanks for sharing, Bill. From a Corpsman to a Marine: will be saying a lil prayer for you, shipmate...that you may find the faith, strength and courage to keep on going.

 

[Bigdog5]

Good words from the Good Book J'Man. Father's, men, be strong!!

 

[BUBBA]

It's not easy raising girls, trust me I know. I have three and my youngest will be thirteen in one week.

Don't be too hard on yourself, I have not been the shiny example that my father was, but life keeps on going.

If you love your wife, you must work at that relationship and MAKE IT WORK! Love is a verb, an action word that requires action. I am not the best husband either, but we work to make our relationship a better one.

My best advice to you is to heal the relationship between you and your wife, and the kids will follow.

Just remember that Romance is overrated, But the power of Love is immeasurable.

Bubba

 

[Jay Willie]

wow...Bill...heck of a post, bro. You did the corp at a very difficult time nationally and internationally. Much good on you for being there for others.

The 'R' word (relationship) is so interesting to me. I've been in process on three books for the past twenty years, none of which I'm sure will ever get published but are scripted exercises in relationship that seem to transcend the norm (the experiences, not the writings. )

If you'll allow, I would like to comment openly on a couple of things you've said and only as a part of reflection on my behalf...please excuse any presumption on my part and I hope you can read this as another fellow father's ruminations on life's happenings.

In the last couple of decades I've heard the word 'dysfunction' passed around quite a bit. It's almost like it was being used to help people address what would appear to be 'un-normal' circumstances in their life. "You've got this going on because of that", or "You were raised under this particular home life so now you're that", etc. Everybody was suddenly everyone else's personal counselor and 'dysfunction' was the buzz word for every relational malady anyone was suffering. I thought long and hard about this and here is something that came to my attention.

I read somewhere about a couple a long, long time ago that had it made. I mean like Ozzie and Harriet couldn't hold a candle let alone a match to the ultra-together relationship this couple had. Then one day, the woman was introduced to a perspective on relationship that ran just a little contrary to what she was used to. She liked the 'new perspective' and shared this with her husband. As soon as he took on this 'new perspective' trouble started between them the likes they had never known. The effect of this 'new perspective' was so powerful, it would impact every generation from then on. From what I can tell, this 'new perspective' became the dysfunction every single one of us has to contend with in some form or another. After all, can you think of anything in our lives that in some form or fashion is not affected by relationship?

In the mean time, I saw the circulation of this word dysfunction pass through an area of our society that grabbed on to it and waved it like a banner of solitude saying, "We have the right medicines to help you deal with your dysfuntion!" I went to seminars, attended classes, read materials, earned certifications all in the name of the 'right medicine to help you deal with your dysfuntion!" I became a 'proclaimer of the way', if you will and taught classes and lead studies on as many different 'perscriptions to treat dysfunction' as I possibly knew or could find out about.

All this in hopes I could treat my own dysfuntions and one day reach that place in 'relational' society I would excel in peace and happiness because I took all the right 'prescriptions', said all the right things, acted all the right ways.

I've said all that to say this. I have found relationship requires interaction, a mutual exchange if you will, that seems to always be subject to a perspective of that exchange. This 'perspective' (not so new any more) becomes an exercise in judgement of the intents and motivations of the other persons reasons for the exchange in relationship. If I can share similar motivations (like, intent toward good will) with another, there seems to be an acceptable level of relational exchange. Otherwise, I seem to constantly questioning the other persons motives for wanting to start or maintain relationship. I hope this doesn't appear too deep but if you'll think about it I'm not sure you'll be able to come up with a relationship that isn't this way...with one exception.

My brother, I've taught the subject of relationship from many different venues and every day the mystery deepens. Without exception, I always come back to the one place where dysfuntion all started and there find the one who started the idea of relationship in the first place. I found His design for relationship was intended to be met in what he thought was best for others and not what others would think best for themselves (I think history continues to prove this.)

Sometimes, the awareness of relational conflicts that constantly surround us all drives me to a place of barrenness. A place of quite where I can hear His thoughts toward me and not someone else's unrealistic expectations. It is there I have come to know a small measure of peace. It is there I enjoy sharing my deepest thoughts without fear of rejection or humiliation. It is there I find acceptance.

I feel like I'm risking a lot here as I don't very often like 'moving out into the open' like this. I'm not too comfortable with exposing my heart on this level but I've followed many of your posts and read through several of your threads (very knowledgeable about many different things, especially on the busa!! ) and am willing to accept the risk. I hope in some way my story will find some place of familiarity in you, maybe some place where you can make a connection and find a place where you can hear His thoughts toward you; acceptance, understanding, enjoyment and appreciation for who you are.

For me, once I've been affirmed with these things, I can move back into the conflicts with greater ease and comfort knowing these can be overcome. The confidence he gives me to be who I am, who I've turned out to be (in spite of myself ) has come to me from knowing I have His approval. This, my friend, is the beginning of faith in a Fatherhood that transcends all fatherhoods...

I hope faith for you to continue to be who Dad says you are and not anyone else's idea of who they think you are (including yourself! ) I also hope this helps. Have a Good 'un!

 

[el stumpo]

I understand Bill. Still, Happy Father's day bro! Takes guts to post what you did and you are a bigger man than I

 

[mr8ball]

Great post Bill, Things can be pretty tough at times but like you said we as Fathers have to put up with all kinds of BS to make it through life to try to protect our children and hope they do the wright thing. All we can do is try our best and teach them what we think is wright or wrong but as we all know kids will do their own thing in the end. As far as the wife thing, Well i have had a couple of them and it is so hard to make things work with them sometimes. Hold your head up and be a proud DAD as I do and know we tried our best and in the end thats all anyone can ask. Happy Fathers day to all

 

[GIXERHP]

Bill i hear you loud and clear, there is so much in way that we are alike!

Call me if you need to talk to someone!

 

[Dr E]

One of the most inspiring threads I have ever come across on any forum being an honest, heart filled, true to the core of life discussions I have read. All of us face issues, hardships and demons, few of us have the ability to openly state what they are, even fewer would do so to a diverse group like this. God bless you and know my prayers and thoughts are with you as you and your family go forward.

Thank you...

 

[newman]

This made me feel so sad for you. When I was 15 my brother died at the age of 21 of a drugs overdose and like a idiot I started taking drugs which led to psychological problems from then on, 14 times in a mental hospital 6 suicide attempts I just lost it. Now at the age of 54 my life is good. I'm not trying to take over your post with the problems of my past it's just that you can get through this it might seem black now but it will work out for you I'm sure. So hang on in there and try to be strong. Love Dave.

 

[Got-Busa?]

Keep on pressing Bill, things will get better!

Prayers sent for you in this tough time. Sometimes it just takes a few rough days for us to slow down, remember the great times and how sweet life really is...

 

[VaBusa]

Wow Bill, thanks for sharing that. I know it's tough, but as I get older, I consider all things that happen to us, good and bad, as just life. No one has a road map or ever realizes what's coming their way or how well (or badly) they'll handle it all. The only thing you can do is continue on, doing your best, and even when you don't think you're doing well at all, it is likely still your best. Can't ask for much more than that...we are all only human.

I will second the whole "girls are tough to raise" comment because my sister was a nightmare. The things she put all of her family through still sting. I was the "good kid", especially compared to my sister LOL And I grew up knowing I didn't want daughters I got my wish and I have two amazing sons. Hate to be so biased, but I believe (and saw first hand) parenting daughters can be the toughest job in the world. That's not to say boys are always easier, but I saw the toll my sister took on our parents and I just knew I'd never survive that myself...

Stay strong and in the end, if you feel you've done your very best, that is really all one person can do.

To the Dads

 

[JINKSTER]

Wow...1st off....sorry folks...it's been a week or so since i've even had time to sit at any PC (other than the one i use at work for mastercam programming of 2 3D CNC Milling machines) annnnd?..just as i was gettin a grip and chinning back up?..catastrophy has strucken my family and i again as just this past monday i lost my 17 year old daughter off the back of Oren...i'll post the particulars in a new thread in "general" shortly..so?..i've been offline all week so to speak..

2ndly?..thank you all so much for the many prayers, kudos and heartfelt responses...especially to those who "Came Out For Fathers Day"..as it seems so many these days choose to remain in the closet behind the facade of "Raising Perfect Familys"..and in this world which seems to be becoming more and more calouse and brutal it takes guts to wear your hearts on your sleeves as so many of you have done here in an effort to make me feel so "not alone"...including spiritually..for many of you here truely are..."your brothers keepers"..real people..who face and fight real problems the best they know how..and know this...the biggest gun in my arsenal fighting the trials and tribulations of raising a family in todays world is my faith...and while i always judge myself and oftens times determine right/wrong/good or evil by answering this following question posed to myself..

"If God Were To Appear Befrore Me At This Very Moment...Would I Run Too Him?...or?...From Him?"

i don't always win the internal struggles of my personal shortcomings and vices but..i try my best...and i hafta believe he knows that...i also hafta believe he knows i ain't perfect in any sense of the word..but i also think he knows when i'm trying my best..and?..when i ain't..at which point i hafta be honest with myself (and the lord) and ask forgiveness...and know...he understands..and won't throw anymore at me than i can handle..and if he does?..the faith he has given me will be strong enough to beat any evil in the end.

anyways...thank you folks so much for "being there"..and sorry i wasn't..like i said..i was literally offline all week..as now i will post up the hows, whys, wheres and whens of how i lost my 17 year old daughter of the back of my busa last monday (so others don't fall into the same msitakes we made)...L8R, Bill.

 

[Jay Willie]

Yer top notch, Brother Bill! Sorry about Sissy, will post up in that thread!

Just know that in some way, some how bro we're all here to support one another the best way we can!

 

[cbat2210]

Bill,
Great post, and as a former Marine.. and father of two, I can relate a little. I have a daughter who will be 13 this year, and a son who turned 2 in Feb. I have about 4 years left before I am eligible to retire from the Army, and I am constantly questioning myself on not only my parenting abilities, but on the choices my wife and I have made. Being in the military, 4 years away from my daughter(deployments, Korea)...has this taken a toll on her, have I done all that I could? I try and learn from what my Father and Dad did and did not do while I was growing up. I have come to the conclusion that we as fathers can only do our best, try and instill lessons learned from our own lives, and those that came before us, and then hope and pray that our kids take what we have taught them, and blossom into young men and women. I am proud to call myself a Father, and find myself in great company of not only fellow busa brothers, but of father's. Thanks to all the father's I know, and those I have yet to meet.. Keep your heads up, and may God bless each and every one of us!
Tony

 

[SANDFLEA85]

Life is good bro,dont let things get you down. this coming from a guy who has 6 kids and 3 baby mammas, 2 of which are ex-wives,paying child support for the last 17+ yrs,alimony..all that ****....man wouldnt trade any of the experiences I had for anything.my life is good.

USMC here too ,,,Semper Fi, keep positive man!!