> Oil Change Oil Change instructions for Women
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> the last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> > oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> check for $50.00.
> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
> drive home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> process.
> Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> filter and twist off.
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
> oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> Drag
> pan
> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
> in
> >back
> yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> to gasket surface.
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
> along
> with drain plug.
> 27) Drink beer.
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> dirt
> into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch
>
> of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
> lawnmower gas.
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> 30) Drink beer.
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling
> trophy.
> 36) Beer.
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop
> blood flow.
> 38) Beer.
> 39) Beer.
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 41) Beer.
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> during steps 23 - 43.
> 45) Beer.
> 46) Test drive car.
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> 48) Car gets impounded.
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> Money spent:
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
> Total - - $4,165.00
> But you know the job was done right
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> the last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> > oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> check for $50.00.
> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
> drive home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> process.
> Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> filter and twist off.
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
> oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> Drag
> pan
> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
> in
> >back
> yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> to gasket surface.
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
> along
> with drain plug.
> 27) Drink beer.
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> dirt
> into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch
>
> of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
> lawnmower gas.
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> 30) Drink beer.
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling
> trophy.
> 36) Beer.
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop
> blood flow.
> 38) Beer.
> 39) Beer.
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 41) Beer.
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> during steps 23 - 43.
> 45) Beer.
> 46) Test drive car.
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> 48) Car gets impounded.
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> Money spent:
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
> Total - - $4,165.00
> But you know the job was done right
