Nice one Mikey, just picturing a penguin driving is pretty funny.
Joke for the day...
- Thread starter BulletTrain
- Start date
For the military folks....
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
"You must be enlisted," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man responded, "You must be an officer."
"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You are lost due to your own incompetence and negligence but you want to blame someone else. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
"You must be enlisted," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man responded, "You must be an officer."
"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You are lost due to your own incompetence and negligence but you want to blame someone else. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
S7R4NGER
Registered
He can barely eat an ice cream, but it is good enough driving a cage. Similar to most cage drivers.
use2b hahahahahahhahaahhaahaha ok i dunno why that one started to make me laugh so hard i am crying 
So Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but you know.... it's that time of the month. So she gets depressed when all of a sudden a Fairie appears and says, "Cinderella, i know you want to go to the Ball so I am here to help you. Go to the pumpkin patch and find me the biggest pumpkin."
Cinderella goes to the pumpkin patch and wrestles a pumpkin back as big as a basketball.
The Fairie smiles and says, "Good work" and taps the pumpkin with her magic wand and turns it into a tampon. She says, "Use this and you can go have fun at the Ball worry free! But there is one catch... You have to be back by midnight or it turns back into a pumpkin"
Cinderella smiles and cheers with glee, uses the tampon and runs off to the Ball.
12 o'clock rolls around and Cinderella is nowhere to be found.
1 o'clock rolls around and she still is nowhere to be found... The Fairie is starting to get worried.
3 o'clock in the morning arrives and all of a sudden the Fairies sees Cinderella struggling up the hillside towards her.
The Fairie flies down to Cinderella who looks weary and exhausted and asks, "Cinderella! Are you ok!?" Cinderella replies, 'yes yes I'm ok... I had a lot of fun at the Ball and met a really nice man named Peter Peter... something or other"
So Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but you know.... it's that time of the month. So she gets depressed when all of a sudden a Fairie appears and says, "Cinderella, i know you want to go to the Ball so I am here to help you. Go to the pumpkin patch and find me the biggest pumpkin."
Cinderella goes to the pumpkin patch and wrestles a pumpkin back as big as a basketball.
The Fairie smiles and says, "Good work" and taps the pumpkin with her magic wand and turns it into a tampon. She says, "Use this and you can go have fun at the Ball worry free! But there is one catch... You have to be back by midnight or it turns back into a pumpkin"
Cinderella smiles and cheers with glee, uses the tampon and runs off to the Ball.
12 o'clock rolls around and Cinderella is nowhere to be found.
1 o'clock rolls around and she still is nowhere to be found... The Fairie is starting to get worried.
3 o'clock in the morning arrives and all of a sudden the Fairies sees Cinderella struggling up the hillside towards her.
The Fairie flies down to Cinderella who looks weary and exhausted and asks, "Cinderella! Are you ok!?" Cinderella replies, 'yes yes I'm ok... I had a lot of fun at the Ball and met a really nice man named Peter Peter... something or other"
Mikey D
Registered
Agreed!
Two flies are on a piece of poop. One f@rted.
The other turns and says, "Come on now! I'm trying to eat here!"
OnAHiABusa
Registered
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is
it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds..."
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is
it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your
sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds..."
OnAHiABusa
Registered
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American: "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling)."We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states.
The American asks, "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France."
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American: "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling)."We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states.
The American asks, "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France."
hahahahaTwo flies are on a piece of poop. One f@rted.
The other turns and says, "Come on now! I'm trying to eat here!"
OnAHiABusa
Registered
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement,thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired EarlyWorkers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (poop). We take pride in the amount of poop our employees receive. We have given our employees more poop than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough poop on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all
the poop you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement,thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired EarlyWorkers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (poop). We take pride in the amount of poop our employees receive. We have given our employees more poop than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough poop on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all
the poop you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
OnAHiABusa
Registered
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot #######?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on his face, PRICELESS.
:bounce:
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot #######?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on his face, PRICELESS.
:bounce:
OnAHiABusa
Registered
On the farm lived a chicken & a horse who loved to play together.
One day, while the two were playing, the horse fell into a bog & began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off ran the chicken, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Hayabusa. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny new Hayabusa, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope that the chicken tossed him.
After tying the other end to the grab rail of the farmer's bike, the chicken drove slowly forward, and rescued the horse with the aid of the powerful bike!
Happy & proud, the chicken rode the Hayabusa back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented-best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out, saving his life.
The moral of the story????
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Hayabusa to pick up chicks.
One day, while the two were playing, the horse fell into a bog & began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off ran the chicken, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Hayabusa. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny new Hayabusa, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope that the chicken tossed him.
After tying the other end to the grab rail of the farmer's bike, the chicken drove slowly forward, and rescued the horse with the aid of the powerful bike!
Happy & proud, the chicken rode the Hayabusa back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented-best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
???When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Hayabusa to pick up chicks.
HP Junkie
Registered
so superman is out flying over metropolis checking for badguys, when he flys over the halls of justice he uses his x ray vision and spots wonder woman sunbathing naked on the roof spread eagle, so supermans like (damn, i havent gotten any in a while and shes lookin so hot if only there was a way , hmmm.. i know ill use my super speed and she wont even know what happened.) so he flys down at light speed and wham slap , slap, slap ,zoom off he goes satisfied with a grin ear to ear when wonder woman opens her eyes and goes ( what was that?) the invisible man says ( i dont know but my azz sure hurts!)
Mikey D
Registered
So a nun gets into a cab, gives the driver a destination, and they drove away. During the ride the nun notices the cab driver staring at her in the rear view mirror. The nun asks the cabbie if she can help him. He replies, I don't think so, I don't want to offend you. The nun says, when you have been around as long as I have, and see as much as I have seen, there is very little that can offend me. How can I help you?
After much thought the cabbie says, well I always wanted to kiss a nun. The nun says, well I think I can help you but there must be two conditions. You have to be single and you must be Catholic.
The cabbie is overjoyed, he says that's great I am single and I'm Catholic! The nun suggests s pulling into the nearest alley which they do. Upon stopping the cab the nun give the cabbie a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they resume their trip the nun notices the cabbie looking a little despondent. She says, sir you look sad, is there any way I can help? He replies, sister, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
The nun replies, that's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!
After much thought the cabbie says, well I always wanted to kiss a nun. The nun says, well I think I can help you but there must be two conditions. You have to be single and you must be Catholic.
The cabbie is overjoyed, he says that's great I am single and I'm Catholic! The nun suggests s pulling into the nearest alley which they do. Upon stopping the cab the nun give the cabbie a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they resume their trip the nun notices the cabbie looking a little despondent. She says, sir you look sad, is there any way I can help? He replies, sister, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
The nun replies, that's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!
There is a local farmer who has a chicken that will screw anything that moves. He has pulled this chicken off of cows, pigs, lambs, hoses, every cat on the farm, 2 hound dogs, even the pigeons. Each time the farmer tells the chicken "one of these days it's going to get you killed". The chicken ignores him and tries to ride his leg. One after noon the farmer notices the chicken screwing the meanest bull in the pasture. Knowing better than to get too close he lets it go. Several hours later he notices several buzzards are circling the field. So off to the field the farmer goes. When he gets closer he notices the chicken laying flat on his back with his feet in the air. He heads out to get the chicken, when he gets a little closer, he notices the chicken is still breathing. He gets to the chicken, the chicken opens one eye, and tells the farmer "back off, they are just about to land".
RaiderDm
Registered
A Montgomery, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign. RADAR TRAP AHEAD . The officer then found another boy just past his spot also with a hand painted sign. TIPS . He also had a bucket full of money.
And to think we sold lemonade!
And to think we sold lemonade!
RaiderDm
Registered
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the FHP Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said," I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State police ball..."
He replied," FHP troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he just said. He then closed his book, got back in his cruiser and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
This was/ is a joke. However my wife actually pulled this off with a cop. With my step kids in the car! She couldn't wait to phone me. She wanted to warn me about the pissed off speed trap on the way home. I almost feel sorry for the poor slob cager that the Trooper pulled over next. :tounge:
He replied," FHP troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he just said. He then closed his book, got back in his cruiser and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
This was/ is a joke. However my wife actually pulled this off with a cop. With my step kids in the car! She couldn't wait to phone me. She wanted to warn me about the pissed off speed trap on the way home. I almost feel sorry for the poor slob cager that the Trooper pulled over next. :tounge:
