GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
> ==========================
>
> This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
> Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb
> went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
> Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
> myrrh."
>
> These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
> discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
> There is no mention of wrapping paper.
>
> If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
> "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
> the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
> And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto
> him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
> for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
> baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
> frankincense."
>
> But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
> very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because
> the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
> 1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
>
> Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
> of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
> off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
> based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
>
> One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
> "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
> person opens it."
>
> The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
> matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
> "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
> Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
> enormous spitballs."
>
> I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
> skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the
> size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
> of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but
> when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of
> the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with
> a marking pen.)
>
> If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
> lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch
> tape.
>
> On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
> wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like
> many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a
> gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
> separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
> mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
> individual volt.
>
> My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
> having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
> That is why today I am presenting:
>
> GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
> * Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
> If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
> recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
>
> * The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
> how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
> with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
> mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
> They must be smoking crack.
>
> * If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
> Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
> bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
> delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
>
> YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
> YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
> YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
> YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
> YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
> YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
>
> In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
> give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
> special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
> ==========================
>
> This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
> Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb
> went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
> Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
> myrrh."
>
> These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
> discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
> There is no mention of wrapping paper.
>
> If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
> "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
> the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
> And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto
> him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
> for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
> baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
> frankincense."
>
> But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
> very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because
> the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
> 1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
>
> Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
> of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
> off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
> based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
>
> One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
> "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
> person opens it."
>
> The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
> matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
> "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
> Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
> enormous spitballs."
>
> I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
> skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the
> size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
> of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but
> when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of
> the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with
> a marking pen.)
>
> If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
> lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch
> tape.
>
> On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
> wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like
> many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a
> gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
> separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
> mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
> individual volt.
>
> My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
> having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
> That is why today I am presenting:
>
> GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
> * Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
> If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
> recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
>
> * The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
> how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
> with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
> mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
> They must be smoking crack.
>
> * If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
> Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
> bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
> delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
>
> YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
> YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
> YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
> YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
> YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
> YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
>
> In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
> give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
> special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
