This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
> Taser" for their anniversary.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
> the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety....
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! ZAP! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
> pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
> time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
> between the prongs.
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
> with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
> bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
> must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
> was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
> three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
> "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best.....
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
> one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
> me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
> and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
> standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when >
> you zap yourself.
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
> would be considered conservative.
>
> That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
> time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
> they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant
> reward for their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy[/QUOTE]
We are not worthy
> Taser" for their anniversary.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
> the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety....
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! ZAP! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
> pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
> time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
> between the prongs.
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
> with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
> bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
> must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
> was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
> three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
> "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best.....
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
> one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
> me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
> and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
> standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when >
> you zap yourself.
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
> would be considered conservative.
>
> That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
> time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
> they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant
> reward for their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy[/QUOTE]
We are not worthy
