Once upon a time....
Actually, several billion years ago, as calculated by scientists that still have no clue how gravity works, some random explosion that occured for no reason, suddenly created a chain of events that grew everything from the tiniest atoms to the largest galaxies. Similar, I guess, to the way nuclear explosions create huge clouds of dust out of nothing. Anyway, about 66 billion years later, having survived the onslought of radiation, meteors, more random explosions known and unknown, the Earth hatched "man" out of tadpoles and they, for more random unknown reasons, took to working in the light and sleeping in the dark, unlike those creatures who live in the dark and sleep during daylight. Again, anyway, these creatures had lots of fun grunting and laughing at the dead dinosours laying about that apparently didn't have a career path laid out for themsleves in the evolution. Billions and billions of years later [slow learners?], man created language, and it was good. Now they felt they had some purpose other than hanging out, eating fruit, sleeping, playing and "procreating" [nudge nudge wink wink]... they could write stuff down. Living in deserts mostly, and since their brains had not yet evolved to a simple massive memory bank that todays business requires through schooling, they lacked the simple differenciation between reality and dreams at night.
One night while sleeping in the desert, some guy was dreaming of a green and plentiful oasis of trees and fruit. There was a naked chick in there two because guys always dream of naked chicks. Of course, HE was in the dream too. Naked. In the dream, he and said naked chick were eatin [Eden] an apple, but a snake bit his heel and he woke up screaming early man explatives. When he realized it was a baby snake and not the huge hissing cobra it felt like, he wondered outside and heard some thunder. He figured out there was a very, very, VERY large guy living in the clouds making thunder so he starting writing his dreams down into a book form so he could make sense of all this nonsense. He decided if Aristole and Socrates could write best sellers, maybe he could too. But since Socrates stuff kinda tanked, maybe if he invented some better lore with explainations for life using the big guy living in the thunder, he would be famous. Well, that didn't work out and soon everybody was jumping on the band wagon making up thier own parts to the book from all corners of the territory. When they got together to compare notes, they decided what they needed was a REAL EDGE over the Socrates/Plato junk... something that would last more than a few years. They decided if they made something up so crazy yet unprovable, people couldn't NOT believe it. Perhaps they could get money for it too and buy more sheep. Maybe there could be lecture circuits and weekly subscriptions for it's users. Of course the downside would be that if you DIDN'T like the big guy in cloud idea, you would be threatened with buring in fire for a long, long, LONG time. And since people hating missing their loved ones when they kicked off, they added a clause to let dead people still have condos and tea parties in the great beyond... a place so cool, no one EVER wanted to come back from it to prove if it existed or not. The PERFECT Story.
The story worked well and many people were geting rich quick off it, and then a miracle happened. The part about a new messiah being born was sweetened by the fact that an unmarried pregnant woman CLAIMED to still be a virgin. pffff! Yeah right. What was she suppoised to say? She slept with the milkman but it was dark and late so she thought it was all just some naughty dream? Anywho, in a grand scheme, the writers decided to play up this virgin birth [snicker snicker] into something that could write them up in history forever and tie up the best seller list for eons to come: The book of the answers to everything by a bunch of sheep hurders. Yeah, GOOD LUCK with that! They started spreading rumors by word of mouth [since cable was still too expensive in the area] since they learned people believe stuff when they think it's something tastey they are not supposed to know, and the story took off like wildfire. Kings came from miles away to see him and wouldn't ya know it, more of that dern random scientific luck, there happen to be a big stationary lightening ball hanging out high above the stable where the baby messiah was birthed. They just followed the light and it lead them right too it. The baby saw the shiney pretty bling he got on his birthday and decided right then and there to dedicate his life to making sure he got gifts on his birthday anniversary.
To do so, he needed to get everybody to listen to him and think he was saying really important stuff. So, he talked like Dr. Phil when people would gather to listen to common sense things they already knew but would only believe if fed to them by someone claiming to be a God incarnate. And again they would pay money, cuz OBVIOUSLY nothing valuable is free. This Jesus guy offered them something so amazing and crazy that it, quite possibly, was true and there would be no way to prove it since the only proof they could get was from dead people who stayed dead. When the flock started to get bored, Jesus called up Criss Angel for some advice and Criss said, "I know! you could die and then come back and tell everyone how cool dieing is!" Jesus said, "Hey that swings! And will an illusion like that, I could maybe change the entire world permenantly and get them to argue and kill over how NICE I really am. Maybe the lecture circuit could get so busy they would have to have meetings weekly, say like on Sundays cuz we ain't doing nothing on Sundays now anyway... and even MORE people could cash in! Sweet thanks, Criss! I'll eat some herbs or something and passout a few days after they nail me to a cross, then wakeup and become THE savior those writers set me up to be." What a great deal.
So jesus told everyone he was SO SPECIAL, he was a gift and that on his birthday they should all give each other gifts of new stuff they bought at the mall instead of old homemade junk, cuz it's better for the economy and economy is what REALLY matters isn't it? Without it, we would have never evolved enough to build the Lexus.
The Jesus thing was such a big hit, that many other peoples have special days around the same time frame also because as a whole, people rarely come up with original thought other than to plagerize. [Batman, Dukes of Hazzard, Lost in Space, Flintstones, Charle's Angels etc etc etc] See where I'm going there?
So, there it is. The story of Christmas.
Socrates is still mad he didn't think of it first. And those wacky dinosaurs were too busy hanging out, eating fruit, sleeping, playing and "procreating" [nudge nudge wink wink] to ever waste time writing anything down... hmmmm... maybe they were on to something...
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Reason for Edit: None given...|1135305103 -->
Actually, several billion years ago, as calculated by scientists that still have no clue how gravity works, some random explosion that occured for no reason, suddenly created a chain of events that grew everything from the tiniest atoms to the largest galaxies. Similar, I guess, to the way nuclear explosions create huge clouds of dust out of nothing. Anyway, about 66 billion years later, having survived the onslought of radiation, meteors, more random explosions known and unknown, the Earth hatched "man" out of tadpoles and they, for more random unknown reasons, took to working in the light and sleeping in the dark, unlike those creatures who live in the dark and sleep during daylight. Again, anyway, these creatures had lots of fun grunting and laughing at the dead dinosours laying about that apparently didn't have a career path laid out for themsleves in the evolution. Billions and billions of years later [slow learners?], man created language, and it was good. Now they felt they had some purpose other than hanging out, eating fruit, sleeping, playing and "procreating" [nudge nudge wink wink]... they could write stuff down. Living in deserts mostly, and since their brains had not yet evolved to a simple massive memory bank that todays business requires through schooling, they lacked the simple differenciation between reality and dreams at night.
One night while sleeping in the desert, some guy was dreaming of a green and plentiful oasis of trees and fruit. There was a naked chick in there two because guys always dream of naked chicks. Of course, HE was in the dream too. Naked. In the dream, he and said naked chick were eatin [Eden] an apple, but a snake bit his heel and he woke up screaming early man explatives. When he realized it was a baby snake and not the huge hissing cobra it felt like, he wondered outside and heard some thunder. He figured out there was a very, very, VERY large guy living in the clouds making thunder so he starting writing his dreams down into a book form so he could make sense of all this nonsense. He decided if Aristole and Socrates could write best sellers, maybe he could too. But since Socrates stuff kinda tanked, maybe if he invented some better lore with explainations for life using the big guy living in the thunder, he would be famous. Well, that didn't work out and soon everybody was jumping on the band wagon making up thier own parts to the book from all corners of the territory. When they got together to compare notes, they decided what they needed was a REAL EDGE over the Socrates/Plato junk... something that would last more than a few years. They decided if they made something up so crazy yet unprovable, people couldn't NOT believe it. Perhaps they could get money for it too and buy more sheep. Maybe there could be lecture circuits and weekly subscriptions for it's users. Of course the downside would be that if you DIDN'T like the big guy in cloud idea, you would be threatened with buring in fire for a long, long, LONG time. And since people hating missing their loved ones when they kicked off, they added a clause to let dead people still have condos and tea parties in the great beyond... a place so cool, no one EVER wanted to come back from it to prove if it existed or not. The PERFECT Story.
The story worked well and many people were geting rich quick off it, and then a miracle happened. The part about a new messiah being born was sweetened by the fact that an unmarried pregnant woman CLAIMED to still be a virgin. pffff! Yeah right. What was she suppoised to say? She slept with the milkman but it was dark and late so she thought it was all just some naughty dream? Anywho, in a grand scheme, the writers decided to play up this virgin birth [snicker snicker] into something that could write them up in history forever and tie up the best seller list for eons to come: The book of the answers to everything by a bunch of sheep hurders. Yeah, GOOD LUCK with that! They started spreading rumors by word of mouth [since cable was still too expensive in the area] since they learned people believe stuff when they think it's something tastey they are not supposed to know, and the story took off like wildfire. Kings came from miles away to see him and wouldn't ya know it, more of that dern random scientific luck, there happen to be a big stationary lightening ball hanging out high above the stable where the baby messiah was birthed. They just followed the light and it lead them right too it. The baby saw the shiney pretty bling he got on his birthday and decided right then and there to dedicate his life to making sure he got gifts on his birthday anniversary.
To do so, he needed to get everybody to listen to him and think he was saying really important stuff. So, he talked like Dr. Phil when people would gather to listen to common sense things they already knew but would only believe if fed to them by someone claiming to be a God incarnate. And again they would pay money, cuz OBVIOUSLY nothing valuable is free. This Jesus guy offered them something so amazing and crazy that it, quite possibly, was true and there would be no way to prove it since the only proof they could get was from dead people who stayed dead. When the flock started to get bored, Jesus called up Criss Angel for some advice and Criss said, "I know! you could die and then come back and tell everyone how cool dieing is!" Jesus said, "Hey that swings! And will an illusion like that, I could maybe change the entire world permenantly and get them to argue and kill over how NICE I really am. Maybe the lecture circuit could get so busy they would have to have meetings weekly, say like on Sundays cuz we ain't doing nothing on Sundays now anyway... and even MORE people could cash in! Sweet thanks, Criss! I'll eat some herbs or something and passout a few days after they nail me to a cross, then wakeup and become THE savior those writers set me up to be." What a great deal.
So jesus told everyone he was SO SPECIAL, he was a gift and that on his birthday they should all give each other gifts of new stuff they bought at the mall instead of old homemade junk, cuz it's better for the economy and economy is what REALLY matters isn't it? Without it, we would have never evolved enough to build the Lexus.
The Jesus thing was such a big hit, that many other peoples have special days around the same time frame also because as a whole, people rarely come up with original thought other than to plagerize. [Batman, Dukes of Hazzard, Lost in Space, Flintstones, Charle's Angels etc etc etc] See where I'm going there?
So, there it is. The story of Christmas.
Socrates is still mad he didn't think of it first. And those wacky dinosaurs were too busy hanging out, eating fruit, sleeping, playing and "procreating" [nudge nudge wink wink] to ever waste time writing anything down... hmmmm... maybe they were on to something...
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Reason for Edit: None given...|1135305103 -->
