*DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical
stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh sh!t!"
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:* Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
*SKILL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*WELDING GLOVES: *Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
*TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
*EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:* Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
*E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:* A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.
*BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
*CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:* A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
*AVIATION METAL SNIPS:* See hacksaw.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: *A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short.
*HAMMER: *Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
*MECHANIC'S KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
*DAMNIT TOOL:* Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. Usually involves blood
loss. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
*"SH!T CLIP":* A small circular or hairpin-style retaining clip
typically used to hold small shafts in place (ie: carburetor throttle
shaft). The name comes from every mechanics' expression the moment when
a clip pops off the shaft and falls under the car.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical
stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh sh!t!"
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:* Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
*SKILL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*WELDING GLOVES: *Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
*TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
*EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:* Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
*E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:* A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.
*BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
*CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:* A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
*AVIATION METAL SNIPS:* See hacksaw.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: *A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short.
*HAMMER: *Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
*MECHANIC'S KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
*DAMNIT TOOL:* Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. Usually involves blood
loss. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
*"SH!T CLIP":* A small circular or hairpin-style retaining clip
typically used to hold small shafts in place (ie: carburetor throttle
shaft). The name comes from every mechanics' expression the moment when
a clip pops off the shaft and falls under the car.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
