Lost my best friend

[NINJA KILLER]

Thanks a lot guys! It just feels good to talk about it.

That is the Key to start the Healing Process !lease:

 

[rockethead]

sorry for your loss I remember special people I have lost while sippin a few beers ( alone of course ) seems to help me thru. hope you find something that helps the process

 

[BigBadDodge]

It wont get better with time but it will get easier, i lost my older brother when i was 13, he was my best friend, someone i looked up to. He was killed in the line of duty on a traffic stop on the side of the road in broad daylight. I could never really get a full grasp on what had happened until i got older as it literally tore my family apart for quite a few years. You will always wonder what could have been, what should have been and go through it in your head. Nothing wrong with that, i still do and its been quite some years now.
My suggestion to you is stay away from the alcohol. I went through quite a few years of really really hard abuse couple years ago that i can honestly say did no good for me and would have let him down.

Hang in there, your not alone in it.

 

[Wrath]

I all to well know how you feel. But maybe in a slightly different way. My bro died when he was 29 and that F'ed me up. My fiance is loosing her battle to cancer at age 30. Even harder on me. I consider each day she is here with me as a blessing. The pain is very deep. My only sugestion is look to God for Guidance. He is all that keeps me on the green side of things.

 

[PaceMaster]

Sorry for your loss...time can heal. But you always remember..but remember the good memories
Just recently put my Dad in a nursing home.. atrophy of the brain..he will never get better...saw him yesterday and left with tears in my eyes.

 

[trekfuel]

sorry to hear..... it will get better with time.

 

[Psychmajor]

So I lost my best friend in November, November 2nd to be exact, and I am still strugling with it. Not in denial, just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

First, Im so sorry to hear of your loss... the passing of a loved one (family or friend) is a very difficult thing to come to terms with. I dont think you're in denial, because you're struggling with this, talking to people about it, trying to understand it... people in denial actually attempt to deny the event itself, as if they're living a dream that they'll wake up from. Denial is kind of like a non-reality. Sometimes the person actually gets "lost" in wondering if they're really awake or dreaming.

I believe you're in shock, even though the loss happened 2 months ago. Shock seems to lessen in degree's, and the decline of shock is usually determined by the depth of connection to who or what was lost. It also tends to transition itself into other "coping mechanisms", that can either be healthy, or unhealthy.

The unhealthy ways of dealing with loss (or any traumatic issues, for that matter) are obvious... drinking, drug use, extreme excess of anything like eating, gambling, etc.

Dealing with loss by meditation, counseling, exercise, group meetings, talking to friends, etc is generally considered healthy. Thats not to say that it becomes a substitute for dealing with your grief, because the "burying" of feelings by not dealing with them at all can become dangerous... it can result in addictions, PTSD, inappropriate emotional (usually anger) outbursts, etc.
The best advice I know of is first, dont be afraid of having these emotions in the first place. They are absolutely normal, and are built into our psychological response system to keep the rest of our physiology functioning.

Think of it this way: At times like this, our bodies tend to shut down a little (literally "depress") in order to handle the stress of the situation we are experiencing. The mind reads the situation as something we might not be able to survive, so it slows the body down. Its the opposite of having a threat right in your face, where the mind sends the body into "fight or flight" mode, until the mind senses the threat has diminished to a survivable level.

Second, spend some time celebrating Nick's existence in your life. Try to think of the good times you've had without rewinding into what you wish still was.

ALLOW yourself periods of time for thinking of your loss (grieving), but give this its due, and then try to find something positive to occupy your mind. Its very easy to get lost in grief. It also cannot be denied. Sometimes we can get caught in a trap of actually being resistant to healing because we somehow feel that it is a denial of our feelings for the thing we lost... almost a disrespect. It is neither, as we MUST heal to be a valid person for ourselves, and for others in our lives.

Certainly, we have all seen the result of people that will NOT allow themselves to heal.
All manner of mental illness can manifest itself from a person getting completely absorbed in almost ANY extreme emotion, and loss of someone or something of importance to us is chief among them.

The trick is to allow some time for grief, know you may have to return to it, but also consciously mandate the time for the normal, positive things in your life.
With time, you'll find that the grief will lessen, and positive thinking will become more prevalent.

This is going to be a hard concept to wrap your head around at this time, because the loss of Nick has already occurred, but Ill pass it along anyway, in the hopes that it may help:
We all must come to terms with "making a friend" of loss. This is for a few reasons:
It is inevitable, and we all know that.
Without accepting the loss of everything we love (including ourselves) we run the risk of not being able to enjoy whatever it is love, when we are lucky enough to be with them (or ourselves) when the threat of loss seems distant.

And regarding "time". There is a popular saying (which I think is a bit incorrect) that says: "Time heals all wounds".

I would rather rearrange this by saying: "POSITIVE time heals all wounds".

Some emotional wounds are going to take longer than others to heal, but if someone is having a bad day today, accept and believe that better days lie ahead".



Celebrate Nick, Zewski. Dont be afraid to grieve. Be gentle with yourself at this time. Dont be resistant to healing from this either. By the way you speak of Nick, Im confident that he would want you to do that.

My best wishes for peace in your mind and heart.

 

[Zewski]

Thanks Psych. I am trying hard to let the emotions come at their will, but sometimes it just isn't a good time. It helps a bit to have my wife around, we were both great friends with him in college, she was kinda one of the guys, always hanging around with us. It give us a chance to talk about him, when we are sad, and when things remind us of him that make us laugh. I just miss the laughs. It the 10 years that we were friends, we never really fought about anything. We had similiar political views, dememted senses of humor, and views of the world. I have not gone to drugs or alcohol, Nick would have kicked my ass if I did.

I want to thank all of you for the support. It helps to know that there is somehwere I can turn to at least talk it out...have trouble finding that sometimes.

Wrath I am sorry to hear about your situation and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your fiance.

 

[houstonbussa]

My gf just lost her best friend of 20+ years. This lady has seen her kids grow up, helped her through her abusive relationship, and seen all the bad times. She finally got to see the good times too after her and I started dating. She would tell me she don't know what I did to her, but she's never seen her smile the way she does. She was fighting cancer and finally lost the battle last year. But I think she stopped fighting because she saw the things she wanted to see the closest to her achieve to include my gf in a happy relationship and both my gf and her daughter loose weight (like major weight). They would be on the phone everyday with each other. And as I've introduced my gf to a whole new lifestyle, her friend lived through her experiences (to which she often gave me a hard time). They'd chat several times a day. I say all this to illistrate how close they were. After she passed my gf would waith for her daily/evening calls so she could tell her about everything that has happened for the day. And you could see it in her face when she didn't get it. I remembered that face when my grandmother passed (father's mom) because I could talk to her about everything. She was my motivation as a kid. So I told her to do what I did (and still do at times). I find a quiet place and literally go have a conversation with her. The pain hasn't left, but you can see some of the light back in her face after she goes out to the pourch and lights a cigarette (which is where she use to always have the phone convos) and talks to her friend.

As cheesy as it sounds, it does help. It's accepting that they have left, but still allows you to have that time with them. If he rode, go hit some roads you two would hit as if he was right behind you (or how ever you rode). Although not in the physical like before, but never loose what you had with him. And if ever the chance, pay it forward, because someone is looking for those bad text messages.. just sayin.

Truely sorry for your loss and pray for your strength in these times.