JOKES
- Thread starter motogp08
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motogp08
Registered
One day three men were going to commit suicide by jumping off a building. There was an American, Scottsman, and a Sumo Wrestler.
Upon jumping the American said, "God save America!"
The scottsman said, "God save Scottland!"
The Sumo Wrestler said, "God save the person i land on!"
Upon jumping the American said, "God save America!"
The scottsman said, "God save Scottland!"
The Sumo Wrestler said, "God save the person i land on!"
slimshady
Registered
I'm looking for one big enough as I speak, but in the(Wag @ Feb. 01 2007,22:06) Yup. Repost. Start bangin' your head on a rock!
--Wag--
meantime........
>Once upon a time, there was a man who came home
>very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided
>to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan
>and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
>When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his
>wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a
>demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't
>scare me; I'm married to your sister!"
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Hope these are not reposts.
<span style='font-size:13pt;line-height:100%'>"Five Rules For A Man To Have A Happy Life"</span>
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at
home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well
paid job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make
you laugh and laughs at your jokes.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can
trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is superb
in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other!
~~~~~<span style='color:blue'></span>
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at
home, is a good cook, cleans and has a well
paid job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make
you laugh and laughs at your jokes.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can
trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is superb
in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other!
~~~~~<span style='color:blue'></span>
extreemachine
Never Forgotten
All of jokes are on my old laptop. I have to switch them over to my new one. These are all very good above. Keep them coming!
OK, thought this one might cross the line till I read some of the others!
A teacher in a 3th grade class drew a picture of a penis on the board and asked any of the girls if they knew what it was. One little girl right away says "I know what it is, its a penis" Shocked, the teacher asked how she know what it was. The little girls said "I know because my dad has two of them." The teacher says "thats impossible." Little girls says "nope, ive seen them both. He has a little one to pee out of and he has a big one to brush the baby sitters teeth with!"
A teacher in a 3th grade class drew a picture of a penis on the board and asked any of the girls if they knew what it was. One little girl right away says "I know what it is, its a penis" Shocked, the teacher asked how she know what it was. The little girls said "I know because my dad has two of them." The teacher says "thats impossible." Little girls says "nope, ive seen them both. He has a little one to pee out of and he has a big one to brush the baby sitters teeth with!"
<span style='font-size:13pt;line-height:100%'><span style='color:blue'>Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps. The younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, the young alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his young friend comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion and a massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away. When he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes, and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"</span>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<span style='color:green'>A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shyt out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."</span>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<span style='color:red'>A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."</span></span>
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, the young alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his young friend comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion and a massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away. When he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes, and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"</span>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<span style='color:green'>A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shyt out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."</span>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<span style='color:red'>A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."</span></span>
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