Santa Jokes

[OnAHiABusa]

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to
bring ya'll gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little
problem.
The 12 fiddler fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling
with the 10 ladies dancing. The 11 lords leaping have knocked up
the 8 maids-a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for
doing weird things to the 7 swans-a-swimming.

The 6 geese-a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves
and the partridge-in-a-pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird poop.
On top of all this, Mrs Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer
are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my poop together and bring you
the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to
WalMart before everything is gone.

Santa

 

[Mikey D]

Why does it suck to be Santa?

Cause he comes only once a year!

 

[Mikey D]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's Reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost

 

[MET]

OK no jokes of the Jolly Red suited fat man.   He will be watching with his list...



<!--EDIT|Ninja Eater
Reason for Edit: "needed Cap. letter"|1071845707 -->

 

[VaBusa]

How about the toy makers?!

A new blonde employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am
there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the
assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the
two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really
beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She
has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in
amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I
think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two
test tickles."

 

[MET]

toy makers are Ok to bust on, just not the big guy...

 

[Bike382]

Va, that was too funny!

 

[OnAHiABusa]

> A Letter From Santa
>
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
> will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
> Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
> Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
>
> Due to the overwhelming current population of the
> earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
> Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and
> better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
> cookies so keep that in mind.
>
> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
> hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my
> third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
> from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
> toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are
> a few differences between us.
>
> Differences such as:
> 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
> presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
> sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
> insured by Smith and Wesson."
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
> that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a
> moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
> pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> empty spit can handy.
>
> 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyn'
> coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
> loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
> Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, On Cupid, on Donner and
> Blitzen. ." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
> hear, "On Earnhards, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
>
> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
> you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
> herd dat!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
> sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
> back with the words "Back Off."
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
> on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
> shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
> see "Boss Hogg Saves Reynolds as Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
> featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
> crashing into
> each other.
>
> And finally,
>
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
> I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
> other way when he bends over to put presents under the
> tree.
>
> Sincerely yours,
> Santa Claus
> Member of North American
> Fairies and Elves, Union 1225
>

 

[busabrother]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."



Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."



Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by



the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"



Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[VaBusa]

 

[tbonebusa]

you guys and gals kill me!!! Good stuff!

 

[CoolBUSA5454]

Here's one..

Santa comes down the chimney one Xmas and finds Suzy the blond sitting in a big chair by the fireplace. "Oh, Santa, it's you!! Won't you stay and keep me company?" Suzy says wearing only a night shirt and panties. Santa Replies:

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go! Got to deliver all the toys to the girls and the boys!!!

Suzy takes off her shirt revealing large round breasts and rubs them in front of the Jolly elf and says "But Santa, I would really like you to stay and give me my present personally."

Santa Replies again, "Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go! Got to deliver all the toys to the girls and the boys!!!

Suzy the takes off her panties and teases Santa on the chair, "But Santa, I insist!! You must stay and give the present of my life!! Santa then smiles as he turns red and says,

"Hey, Hey, Hey gotta stay, gotta stay!! I'll never get up the chimney with my D*#K this Way!!!"