Jokes II

[sherm]

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the
headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off,
grabs the sheet and rolls over and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!".

[This message has been edited by sherm (edited 14 November 1999).]

 

[sherm]

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who
are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance payment) Unless he/she already has AIDS
(Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP
will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (**** ). This company takes pride in the
amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more**** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE **** YOU CAN STAND.

[This message has been edited by sherm (edited 14 November 1999).]

 

[sherm]

(One the wives might enjoy)


Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:

YOUR CLOTHES
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

THE BABY'S NAME
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger points.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidermal in your 8th month.

THE LAYETTE
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick
up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to take your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

ACTIVITIES
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby wing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

GOING OUT
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

AT HOME
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

 

[OB_turbo1300]

>Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their
> >favorite
> >>watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned
> >around
> >>to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a
> >possum
> >>burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "D'ya thunk
> >we
> >>otter help?" "I reckon," said the second. The first hillbilly got up
> >and
> >>walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her
> >head
> >no.
> >>"Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
> >>With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked
> >her on
> >>the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and
> >began to
> >>breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his
> >friend
> >>and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

 

[OB_turbo1300]

WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOURS?
> > This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar,
> > but decides 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay
> bartender
> > asked the guy, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look,
> I'm
> > not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The bartender says, "I'm
> > sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.
> > Mine, for instance, is Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy at
> the
> > end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It Really Satisfies.' The
> guy
> > looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second
> to
> > think it over. So the guys asks this man sitting to his left, "Hey,
> bud,
> > what's the name of your penis?" The man answers with a smile, "Timex,
> > cause it takes a likin' and keeps on tickin.' A little shaken, the guy
> > turns to the man on his right and asks the same thing. "Ford," was the
> > proud reply. "Because quality is job one." Then he adds, "Have you
> driven
> > a Ford lately?" Even more shaken the guy has to think for a moment
> before
> > he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and
> > exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret." Now give me a beer.
>
> "Why Secret?", says the bartender. The guy says,


> "Because it's strong enough
> > for a man, but made for a woman!"

 

[Guest]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

[English phrase] -- [Chinese Interpretation]

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.-- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his Hayabusa. -- Wa Shing Boosa

Your body odor is offensive.-- Yu stin ki pu

 

[OB_tulmann]

Just remember I'm a Dane, right !!! And also No insults what-so-ever, just a friendly joke on how we stereotype people. So please don't bash me. OK !

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman * 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1Bulgarianwoman * 2 American men and 1 American woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in The middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.

* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

* The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything men can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
This, combined with life without "big Busa's" and beer are causing the American men to contemplate suicide.

* The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. Because of the thick alcoholic haze in which they live, they are not much concerned with sex except to
rejoice because the English are not getting any.

 

[viol8r]

This guy had cancer in his brain and they couldn't help him until a great surgeon perfected a brain transplant. He had to wait for a donor and the day finally came. Of course it was a motorcycle guy, but he was wearing a helmet so his brain was alright. The doctors get them both on seperate tables and take out the cancer guys brain, then take out the motorcycle guys brain. When they go to put the brain in the cancer guy he's gone and they couldn't find him. They finally track him down 2 years later teaching school in Italy.
An Italian guy told me this joke years ago.
I'm also Italian.

 

[OB_hiabuser]

this little boy walks into the bathroom while his mother is taking a bath. the boy looks between his mother's legs and points and asks, "mommy, what's that?" the lady quickly covers herself and answers somwhat hesitantly, "that...that's my sponge" the little boy just frowns and run's out of the room. a little later, mommy was in the kitchen cooking supper when the little boy run's into the kitchen and says "mommy, can i see your sponge again?" well the mommy is quick to cover up and says " i umm, i lost it". so the little boy says "aww, i'll find it" and run's out the door. mommy is thinking "isn't that cute?" well. 15 or 20 minutes later the little boy comes running into the kitchen screaming "MOMMY, MOMMY!" and the mommy asks, "what honey?!!!" the little boy looks at her just as proud of himself and says, "i found your sponge!" well the mommy is a little taken aback and asks, "y, you did? where?" and the little boy replies, "the lady next door is using it to wash daddy's face!"
hope you guys liked this one. after all, in a cast on my predominant arm mean's it took me forever to type. lol
later all
hiabuser
a.k.a. mike

 

[OB_cbxchris]

This couple was on thier honeymoon and the bride asked her new husband to be easy on her since she was a virgin. He asked in shock wasn`t this her fourth marriage and how could she possibly be a virgin. Well she explained her first husband was a psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it...her second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it...but she really missed her third husband he was a stamp collector....

 

[sherm]

Bull Balls . . .

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter of food being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,
the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served? It looked delicious."

The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A rare delicacy!"

The American at first was shocked, but then said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bullfight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve
you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to
the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si señor. Sometimes the bull
wins."
____________________________________________________________

The Presidential Plane Crash

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken
the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When
they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that
bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but
could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away
as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's
tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of
breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off
his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

 

[OB_turbo1300]

Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them.
> One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a
> sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun
> away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear. "We're gonna walk into
> the bar, order beers and drink them down. When the bartender asks for
> payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly. You are gonna drop to
> your knees and start sucking on it. The bartender will be so grossed out
> that he'll immediately throw us out of the bar," said the lad. They
> entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm. After the seventh bar
> they were both extremely drunk. One of them started complaining,
> "Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my
> knees."
> His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog
> four bars ago!"