You mentioned that she did not want you to go into the Army. That was most likely the #1 problem and still is. You two were not on the same page from the get go. Married 30 years and my wife and I always have to agree on the plan. It is one of the most important issues in a marriage. Good Luck. Remember to not do anything unless you and your mate are in agreement!
why am doing this?
- Thread starter ogre
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mizmoo-sa
Registered
As a woman and as a person who has moved back and forth across the country on her own... I do have a little to share. In my time I've noticed there are (very generally) people who "stay" and people who "go". I say this very generally, but some people are perfectly content living more or less in the area they grew up in (or not far from it) -- while others think nothing of picking up and moving to the opposite coast. Neither seems to really be able to fully grasp the other's mentality. What I do know about the people who can "go" is that they have an independent fortitude from within. Not that "stayers" aren't strong people -- but rather it's that innate ability to just stand on your own two feet without noticing that's what you're doing. It just didn't faze me to pack up everything I owned and drive a couple thousand miles all by myself to a place where I knew no one and start the next chapter of my life. Some people need more than others.. not to say "needy," but just that we all have different levels of comfort in friendships, relationships, connection to family. I feel totally comfortable on my own wherever I am -- and I know I'm loved even at a distance. Some can never be truly at home in a "new" or "different" place or at significant distance from the people who matter most to them.
I guess without rambling on too long -- I'd just say -- no matter how much you love someone you can't change who they are on the inside. If she's not the type who can be independent and be satisfied with her own life separate from the time that you are together -- you can't overcome that with all the love and empathy in the world.
Regardless of your decision... I'm sorry to hear you're going through this stress in addition to the stress of your occupation. Stay safe.
I guess without rambling on too long -- I'd just say -- no matter how much you love someone you can't change who they are on the inside. If she's not the type who can be independent and be satisfied with her own life separate from the time that you are together -- you can't overcome that with all the love and empathy in the world.
Regardless of your decision... I'm sorry to hear you're going through this stress in addition to the stress of your occupation. Stay safe.
Gpmo
Registered
This very well put. A good insight.
To OP. Man I hope it all works for you. I don't have any insights that havnt been stated so I just give support. If ya need to vent send me a pm man I will listen.
Good luck,thanks alot and stay safe.
Gregor6
Registered
Plenty of other women out there who won't.
Let her go then.I say if she really truley loved you, she would stick it out thick or thin, better or worse and joining the Army is a noble patriotic thing to do.Military life is rough enough without having to worry if your wife is going to stick around.Its a big decision to make and dont take it lightly.Pray and talk with loved ones or people close to you.Best of luck to you.
First of all you are serving our country and that is a Honorable thing to do. Thank You !!! If she can't see that then what do you have in common in the first place ? Life and Marriage is tough with or with out the Military involved. Not to bring the Spirituallity aspect in this discussion but God said "Equally Yoked".....................
Good Luck !!! You BOTH are in my prayers
lease:
Robert
Good Luck !!! You BOTH are in my prayers
lease:Robert
God also said "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church..." so i suppose i could bring that up too. that's not the point tho. i talked to mil, (mother in law), and she says chels misses me terribly, and is just lonely. my wife thinks i don't care about her, and that's why i joined the army, to be away from her. so it's official, women are crazy. anyway, i'm going to do my best to keep this thing together. i appreciate all the advice, both ways, and i'm sure you'll find out how the two weeks go. but honestly, i'm probably not going to post very much while i'm home... (maybe i'll be "busy")
lovelessjl
Registered
One thing I neglected to mention before. You said that you were together before, and she didn't agree with you joining the Army. While I applaud and salute you as a brother in arms, you need to take in to consideration that you went against her wishes on this. To keep your marriage intact you may need to eat some crow and tell her..."you stick with me through this, and I'll have your back on your dream next." A good relationship is about give and take. You admitted to taking, if you truly want your marriage to work, it'll be your turn to give and give BIG if she can stick with you through this.
O Holy P
Registered
I feel you dawg, I think we have the same vision on the "big picture". I have a hard time sometimes trying to tell my wife to "just be patient...it'll come". She always thought things would come sooner rather than later. I believe that good things come to those who wait. Fortunately for me we have excellent communication and she knew what she was getting into when we first started dating. I told her straight up when I was still in college, my career will take me away often and for various lengths of time, so if you don't think you can handle it, now's your chance to make the decision. When I graduated college, no one was looking to hire a low-time pilot with no real world experience. This was in 2005. So I stuck around in Daytona Beach where we met and I was away from my "home" which was Texas. But home, really, is where the heart is. 
I continued taking on what I could get and getting whatever experience I could get to further my career in aviation whether it be flying or maintenance. In late '09 I took a job that was very beneficial for my career goal, but it was over 3 hours away from home and there was no way for me to commute since it was an "on-demand" operation and I was required to be close by for immediate availability. I did this for 2 years, returning home for only a few days once a month or less. We have a house in Daytona Beach, she works there at the speedway where she has wanted to work since she finished high school. Meanwhile I worked and also paid rent along with my own living expenses in Fort Lauderdale and sending whatever was left over to cover our mortgage and bills at home. Money was tight, and still is, and she did not like me being away and her being alone in "our" house. I talk to her at least once a day if not more, and this really helps. I know you probably cannot do this being in the service. But we have used the analogy that "lets just pretend I'm in the service, but I get to see you more often!" It is tough and every once in a while she'll have a little break down but she is a tough chick and usually just needs to let it out every now and then and I can understand that, sometimes I do the same! Now I'm about to stay away even longer for at least another year because I took a job at an air ambulance company and this would be my last hurdle that I need to jump to really go anywhere I'd want to in aviation after this type of international jet experience. Yet she is still supportive, and I am thankful for that. I am more of a visionary and I think that is an issue some times because she doesn't see things like I do...or like you do. I look at the big picture and figure out what I need to do to get from one point to another or from goal to goal. And if it takes a length of time to get it done, so be it. We'll be better off in the future...one thing I hate is taking one step forward and 2 steps back or stepping sideways! I am making the sacrifice while we're relatively young so we can live in comfort later and not have to worry about the small stuff...
Regardless of what anyone's opinions here are, you need to look within yourself and decide is it worth it? Do you care for her that much to continue? Are you willing to put in the work and effort it takes to make it work? Relationships are not a breeze at times. Reevaluate your relationship and figure out what it really means to both ofyou...and it would be best to do this together. There is no better way to communicate than with brutal honesty. The truth does hurt sometimes, but to be a strong couple, you both need to realize this and know that you both can overcome whatever hurdles may come your way. I can remember when my wife and I started dating, when she was upset about anything she would clam up and just keep it bottled up. She could not believe my persistence and patience for her to let it out so we could talk about it and move forward. I was the only one she had ever had do that for her. We both spoke what was on our minds, this is helpful to one another to know where each other's heads are at. So TALK and let it all out, only then will you really know if unconditional love exists!
Wish you luck and thank you for what you do.
I continued taking on what I could get and getting whatever experience I could get to further my career in aviation whether it be flying or maintenance. In late '09 I took a job that was very beneficial for my career goal, but it was over 3 hours away from home and there was no way for me to commute since it was an "on-demand" operation and I was required to be close by for immediate availability. I did this for 2 years, returning home for only a few days once a month or less. We have a house in Daytona Beach, she works there at the speedway where she has wanted to work since she finished high school. Meanwhile I worked and also paid rent along with my own living expenses in Fort Lauderdale and sending whatever was left over to cover our mortgage and bills at home. Money was tight, and still is, and she did not like me being away and her being alone in "our" house. I talk to her at least once a day if not more, and this really helps. I know you probably cannot do this being in the service. But we have used the analogy that "lets just pretend I'm in the service, but I get to see you more often!" It is tough and every once in a while she'll have a little break down but she is a tough chick and usually just needs to let it out every now and then and I can understand that, sometimes I do the same! Now I'm about to stay away even longer for at least another year because I took a job at an air ambulance company and this would be my last hurdle that I need to jump to really go anywhere I'd want to in aviation after this type of international jet experience. Yet she is still supportive, and I am thankful for that. I am more of a visionary and I think that is an issue some times because she doesn't see things like I do...or like you do. I look at the big picture and figure out what I need to do to get from one point to another or from goal to goal. And if it takes a length of time to get it done, so be it. We'll be better off in the future...one thing I hate is taking one step forward and 2 steps back or stepping sideways! I am making the sacrifice while we're relatively young so we can live in comfort later and not have to worry about the small stuff...Regardless of what anyone's opinions here are, you need to look within yourself and decide is it worth it? Do you care for her that much to continue? Are you willing to put in the work and effort it takes to make it work? Relationships are not a breeze at times. Reevaluate your relationship and figure out what it really means to both ofyou...and it would be best to do this together. There is no better way to communicate than with brutal honesty. The truth does hurt sometimes, but to be a strong couple, you both need to realize this and know that you both can overcome whatever hurdles may come your way. I can remember when my wife and I started dating, when she was upset about anything she would clam up and just keep it bottled up. She could not believe my persistence and patience for her to let it out so we could talk about it and move forward. I was the only one she had ever had do that for her. We both spoke what was on our minds, this is helpful to one another to know where each other's heads are at. So TALK and let it all out, only then will you really know if unconditional love exists!
Wish you luck and thank you for what you do.
her dream is a family and going to culinary school. i told her she can use my GI bill, and if we hurry, the Army will foot the bill for us to have kids. her big thing is that she grew up in a non-broken home. she's used to mom and dad sitting down at dinner and talking to the kids about school, sports, and whatever every day. i told her i'll be home as much as i'm able, but i'll be gone sometimes. either way, i've got less than 5 years left in the Army, so this is a short term issue. i'm just looking forward to seeing her.
O Holy P
Registered
Life isn't a planned schedule of events. The sooner she realizes this the better things will be. Adapt, improvise, overcome...move forward - play the hand you're dealt. I believe you're doing the best you can at seeking the best outcome overall, hopefully she'll see that too. This doesn't mean her dream won't come true, just might not happen like she had imagined.
I really wouldn't play that card. It's a cheap thing to do. Let her make the decision to be with you because she wants to,not cause she feels she has to. You want to make a bitter resentful person. Having one feel forced into something they don't want to be in will land you just that.
like i said, probably not going to mention it. but just after that, it says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her", so it's totally a two way street. anyway, i'm looking forward to our moto-picnic. gonna test out the back seat rest/luggage rack that KVhotdog built me. srsly, gonna go picnic somewhere, i'm stoked.
BUSA CRUSEN
Registered
It sounds to me like you screwed up by joining the army without her consent. Your problems sound like your fault. There are plenty of other jobs besides the army you could have done. Man up and take care of your wife. How can so many people quit on their marraige?
