Serious topic, for me anyway...

[VaBusa]

sounds better in Spanish!

Thanks Vanessa...tough times with your friend, but I'm glad you've been able to work through it best you can and still keep in touch with that little girl. She is adorable!

I'm most worried about losing tough with my niece, but truth be told, I've not been allowed to really get to know her much because my sister's too busy yelling at my kids and correcting me if I say something about her kid (stuff like "you should see if she likes juice"). She's made it impossible to ENJOY being around her child, at least for me...I hate that kids are involved in this at all...not sure yet how I'll handle this...will I sent birthday gifts and cards to my niece, or do I need to cut ALL ties? I haven't figured out the game plan yet...

 

[BusaWhipped]

VA. I had the same thing with my sister. Good news is that she got her act together. After 5 years of not knowing if she was dead or alive, we are closer now than we ever wee before. Keep your chin up. It's a tough decision that's tough to live with in the short term. Hopefully she will get some help. Be carefull if she contacts you with the "alls well now" message. Take it slow and make sure that she has indeed dealt with the issues. People can fake it for a short time.

Hope this is some help.

Dennis

 

[VaBusa]

VA.  I had the same thing with my sister.  Good news is that  she got her act together.  After 5 years of not knowing if she was dead or alive, we are closer now than we ever wee before.  Keep your chin up.  It's a tough decision that's tough to live with in the short term.  Hopefully she will get some help.  Be carefull if she contacts you with the "alls well now" message.  Take it slow and make sure that she has indeed dealt with the issues.  People can fake it for a short time.

Hope this is some help.

Dennis

...sounds promising then! Glad things worked out for the better for you, as it seems to have for many others...gives me hope 'cause I know this is going to really hurt my parents...

I'm fully prepared for the "this never happened" moments...she'll write or call me out of the blue as if everything's okay, and I'm not accepting that...she's going to have to at least acknowledge that she has/had problems before I'm willing to listen...

Thanks Dennis...

 

[SmiLyPR4U]

As u already know...kids are not guilty for "adult" actions. I don't think you should lose contact with the kids as it will be a loss for both ends. You will miss out on their growing up and they will probably "don't like you as much" since you where never around to begin with; not by choice, but they probably won't know or understand that. I guess try to the best of your ability to stay away from her, but contact the kids; not by a third person, but yourself.

To my friend...I told her straight up, I'm going to keep in touch with you because of the baby. I love her to death and wouldn't stand to stay away or not know from her. Know that if there ANYTHING, and I do mean ANYTHING she might need; I'm here to help.

At first, she got upset because she said that she didn't want me to keep in touch with her, not for her but for Leyla. Then she retracted, understood and accepted it. In my case, that worked.

The power of an upset beyond believe rican woman!

 

[justintime2]

Maybe PPD is affecting her. Hopefully the child isn't the one who has to pay when all figure out that she is in trouble or a danger. People are who they are at that age and are unlikely to change without some sort of epiphiny, that's most likely spelled wrong, or near death experience changing their outlook.

Your health and well being come first Michelle. For you and your families sake you have to be selfish when it comes to that if you you believe that it will not change. YOu can still love her as a family member but not want to be around to partake in the wreckage that may become her life.

Family can be more hurtfull than strangers, good luck and watch out for the little one.

 

[busahaya]

Michelle, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. If the things that your sis does and affects you and your family in a negative way, than as harsh as it may seem... then chop, chop, she goes.

 

[Nijinsky3]

Believe it or not Va, I am no longer on speaking terms with my natural father or mother. My "sperm-donor" of a "father" decided to stop talking to me (not that he was ever really involved in my life anyways) after he found out I was "living in sin" with my boyfriend at the time (this happened in 1998). Now get THIS! My "father" lived with his 1st wife for 6 months before they married. Then he filed for divorce from her (her name was Ramona) and was living with and ENGAGED to my mother. Then after they divorced, he lived with his 3rd wife (yes, THIRD WIFE) for 3 years before they married. Then when they divorced (...we starting to see a pattern here?) he lived with Sammy (real name Clara) for 6 years before they married. (who told this man he was qualified to give ANYONE relationship advice anyways?)

So, let's recap shall we??  He has been married...count 'em...FOUR TIMES!!! Not to mention living with ALL OF THEM  "in sin" as he calls it before marriage.

Did I mention he NEVER goes to church....?? (Which confuses me, becasue God loves hypocrits too right?)

No on to Mommy dearest.....

She just basically likes to make me feel like a failure in anyway possible and nothing about my life is ever good enough or up to her standards. Oh, and she broke up the only 2 good relationships I evre had. It took me a while to see the pattern, and if I defied her, she wouldn't talk to me for several months.

Let me interject here that while I was in school and since then I have never used drugs, drank alcohol, smoked anything legal or not. I graduated still a virgin, didn't get knocked up in HS or anything. Basically was a good kid and didn't cause her any BIG worries. The worst thing she could say about me as a kid was I got mostly C's on my report card.

Well, the last time she stopped talking to me, I called her bluff. I had  had enough of her head games and just stopped calling her back. It's been over a year now since we last spoke, and even then it was only once since the Christmas before that.

My mom still likes to sick her psycho mother on me though...she calls and leaves rude messages on my voice mail....like THAT is gonna get me to want to talk to either of them! LOL

Since I have let go of my father and just accepted the fact that he is a very hypocritical, self centered, my way or the highway type of person, I have felt a big relief. Since I stopped letting my mom screw with my head on a daily basis, I am seeing things more clearly than ever. I was finally able to just stop and be and figure out what *I* wanted for my life. I realized my life is, in *MY* opinion, pretty damn good! I have two wonderful horses (mom thinks they are a wste of money) two great bikes (mom hates that I ride and never failed to ream me about how she will find me dead and mangled in a hospital bed someday) a WONDERFUL man to spend my life with (she would do her best to drive a wedge between us and highlight all his faults as perceived by *HER*) my 1998 Z71 that still makes me smile when I drive it (she thinks its a worthless gas guzzler) any job that I have ever had that involves driving or manual labor (doesn't pay enough in her mind and my mother has no appreciation for a hard days work...she might break a nail) two dogs (too much hair she would say)...I could go on and on here...but you get the point.

No one, and I do mean NO ONE in my so-called family rides motorcycles or horses...EVER! To them these things are stupid, dumb, wreckless, crazy, low life, a waste of money, and so on...

I am to the point now where I am happy and I see my life unfolding before me in a way that I know will make *ME* happy. I really feel sorry for people who will never know how to truely live. Everyone dies, but not everyone truely LIVES! I would rather die happy and fullfilled and full of fresh air and covered in horse crap than to live to be 90 in some "safe" dark cave! Sometimes you just have to cut people loose who make you miserable or are harmful to your mental health or happiness. Angelina Jolie made a quote in a recent magazine about her father and the gist of it was this...."If soemone is harmful to you or your happiness, cut them loose and focus your love elsewhere. You will be happier in the long run!"

Do what you need to do Va...and don't look back!


oh...and go buy another Dane!

They are really good at loving you and not causing drama.....and they usually refrain from drugs use too!

<!--EDIT|Nijinsky3
Reason for Edit: None given...|1121929730 -->

 

[mikeo]

It is hard. If someone does things that are out of line whether it is a family member or not, you can't let them continue to do whatever they are doing. It is sad and heartbreaking sometimes, but right is right.

 

[VaBusa]

Nijinsky3 -

Just

I feel so wrapped up in what's been going on my own little world, but you remind me that there are people that put up with far worse. Thank goodness my relationships with my parents are good...some rocky moments as with all things in life, but dayum! You had it all girl...I'm just glad you made your way through that tangled mess, didn't let 'em tear you down...sometimes I wonder just what it would take to make people like that (i.e. your Mom) happy? I'm certain that you could have changed everything in your life and she'd find just one more thing to complain about...

You're on top now...never looking back!

No more Danes for me for a while! The two I've got have me at my wits end lately...one of 'em threw up 4 times in my house yesterday!!! Ughhhhh...old Danes are really difficult...

Speaking of which, did you ever post up pics of your new baby?

 

[VaBusa]

Michelle, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. If the things that your sis does and affects you and your family in a negative way, than as harsh as it may seem... then chop, chop, she goes.

chop chop it is...for my own sanity!

Well, what little of it I have left

 

[VaBusa]

It is hard. If someone does things that are out of line whether it is a family member or not, you can't let them continue to do whatever they are doing. It is sad and heartbreaking sometimes, but right is right.

I hope I was right...I feel I was right...enough is enough...
Thanks

 

[SmiLyPR4U]

Let me interject here that while I was in school and since then I have never used drugs, drank alcohol, smoked anything legal or not. I graduated still a virgin, didn't get knocked up in HS or anything. Basically was a good kid and didn't cause her any BIG worries. The worst thing she could say about me as a kid was I got mostly C's on my report card.

Hmm...not meaning to hijack the thread VA, but I would like to comment on Nijinsky3's post; and maybe even get some help at once.

All teenagers have had at some point differences with their parents. As most of you might have noticed, hispanic cultures tend to be more uptight that others and parents tend to be over-protective...especially when it's a girl.

Well in my house I am the baby...I only have one brother who is 9 years older than me. We get along wonderfully, it couldn't be any better; he's my best friend. I was borned and raised in PR, moved to FL when I was 16 y/o. My whooole life changed and with that attitude also changed. Well...apart from the natural change of life as a teenager, hormones acting up, etc; I also had to deal with starting a complete new life. Other than my parents I didn't know anyone here, no family, no friends...just letters, and letters, and more letters. With God's help I was able to surpass all those changes positively and started college, working, driving, etc.

Now on to my parents, whom I love dearly; but can't understand and frustrate the heck out of me sometimes.

I've always been daddy's little girl...and I know I'll always be no matter if I'm 90 y/o. This is not always something good.
My dad has not caught up yet to the fact that I am 25 y/o, capable of making my own decisions and that generations have changed since he was raised. I've had huge arguments with him just for having a different point of view/opinion on something, for not doing things the way they used to during his time, for not been open to them, and the list goes on. One of the most popular arguments is not having a relationship with my mom.

On to mom...
My mom is not a normal mom...at least IMHO. She's great with everyone else, she adooooores my brother...but when it comes to me, everything is different. She has never been my best friend, or a friend for that matter. Although she's been there for me sometimes, she hasn't been there as a "normal" mom is. She's not affectionate, not easy to talk to, not easy to please, loves to find all faults when one does something just because you didn't do it like she does. She never liked going to my games (of any sport) cuz she rather watch the novelas, she never taught me anything about a menstrual cycle...school did, and when it came my dad was the one there for me mostly. I've never been able to sit down and talk to her about "girl stuff", or problems I may have.
The latest...I finally after going thru hell and back, found the love of my life and for whom I'm very grateful to God. Well...we got engaged on May 28th...when we gave them the news there was no congratulations, just complaining of why he didn't go to talk to them first, why it wasn't done in a family reunion, etc. Ohh not to mention how she just started going at it with: now you can learn about responsibilities, and mainting a household, etc.
We had been planning the wedding even before we got engaged...so after it was official I decided to try one more time and get though to her...sat down and started telling her about our plans, showed her the wedding dress I liked from the ones I tried, the bridemaids dressed, the ideas, colors, etc. Her reaction: just a vague noding, not a single word. Well, I may add that thanks to that all the wedding plans are out. My brother and I decided to have a very familiar double wedding with just the 3 families...no big ceremony, just church and a dinner at a restaurant; since they don't really seem to be willing to participate. The only one who's been a little more receptive has been dad trying to help us finding a place to live to have before we marry.

Ok so...mind you that I have NEVER smoke anything in my life, NEVER used or even tried drugs, always gotten good grades, work and study full-time, as hard as school has been I haven't given up, I have gotten home past 3am maybe 3 times (in about 3 years), I rarely go out (even with my fiancé), I've always at least tried to do things within their approval (except for the past year when I got fed up) and at 25 y/o I am still a virgin and have been doing things accordingly, anything else?

So why is it that I still seem not good enough for them? Why is it that they seem to be disappointed in me? That everything I do, no matter how hard I try is wrong?

Anybody?

Sorry for the long e-mail...I guess I needed to vent.

 

[Wag]

I hear this kind of story every day. I'm president of a group of people who are "recovering" from the effects of life within a cult religion. Many of whom have difficulties getting past the brainwashing and the fear and guilt and the abuse at the hands of people who are supposed to be supportive and loving.

Yup. I was one of these people too.

The worst of the issues they deal with is that in the process of getting out of the cult, their family members frequently ostracize them and essentially treat them as if they were dead. Or worse, abuse them fiercely. I see a lot of nasty situations because of such things.

I haven't spoken to my mother in several years and with the exception of an unavoidable and superficial family gathering, I hadn't spoken to my father for at least three years before he died. Sadly, neither has seemed a horribly great loss.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe in time, she'll realize that your relationship is important to her and she'll make the changes necessary to rekindle it. But if not, your family's and your lives are more important.

I feel for ya. This is a tough one.

--Wag--

 

[stkr00]

Holy crap

I'll have to come back and re-read all of this later.

Michelle,

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing, even though it's hard to rationalize is your own mind. If she is being a threat to the safety of her kids, or your Mom, then you should get Family Services involved if it is that bad. That's a judgement call though. You could always file a restraining order against her for your Mom...that will not risk having the children removed.

Good Luck with this. Hopefully she will realize what she is doing so you can start the healing process.

FWIW: You could always call that "Intervention" show

 

[VaBusa]

On to mom...
My mom is not a normal mom...at least IMHO.  She's great with everyone else, she adooooores my brother...but when it comes to me, everything is different.  She has never been my best friend, or a friend for that matter.  Although she's been there for me sometimes, she hasn't been there as a "normal" mom is.  She's not affectionate, not easy to talk to, not easy to please, loves to find all faults when one does something just because you didn't do it like she does.  She never liked going to my games (of any sport) cuz she rather watch the novelas, she never taught me anything about a menstrual cycle...school did, and when it came my dad was the one there for me mostly.  I've never been able to sit down and talk to her about "girl stuff", or problems I may have.  
The latest...I finally after going thru hell and back, found the love of my life and for whom I'm very grateful to God.  Well...we got engaged on May 28th...when we gave them the news there was no congratulations, just complaining of why he didn't go to talk to them first, why it wasn't done in a family reunion, etc.  Ohh not to mention how she just started going at it with:  now you can learn about responsibilities, and mainting a household, etc.  
We had been planning the wedding even before we got engaged...so after it was official I decided to try one more time and get though to her...sat down and started telling her about our plans, showed her the wedding dress I liked from the ones I tried, the bridemaids dressed, the ideas, colors, etc.  Her reaction: just a vague noding, not a single word.  Well, I may add that thanks to that all the wedding plans are out.  My brother and I decided to have a very familiar double wedding with just the 3 families...no big ceremony, just church and a dinner at a restaurant; since they don't really seem to be willing to participate.  The only one who's been a little more receptive has been dad trying to help us finding a place to live to have before we marry.

Ok so...mind you that I have NEVER smoke anything in my life, NEVER used or even tried drugs, always gotten good grades, work and study full-time, as hard as school has been I haven't given up, I have gotten home past 3am maybe 3 times (in about 3 years), I rarely go out (even with my fiancé), I've always at least tried to do things within their approval (except for the past year when I got fed up) and at 25 y/o I am still a virgin and have been doing things accordingly, anything else?

So why is it that I still seem not good enough for them?  Why is it that they seem to be disappointed in me?  That everything I do, no matter how hard I try is wrong?  

Hey Vanessa...

Didn't want you to think your post went unnoticed...

Family dynamics are very hard to work through...I kept hoping when I was younger that things would get easier, but in fact they seem to get more and more difficult as I get older.  Given the difference in the dynamics of your family vs. my family, I can't really comment on everything you've mentioned.  But, I can relate to the "Mom" side of things...

My Mom and I are opposites...I'm so much like my Dad, I can see why they never made the marriage last...just too different...one is more high strung (Mom) and one is laid back (Dad)...one's a worrier (Dad) and one's the kind of person that would just rather "not know" about problems (Mom)...

Throughout high school, my Mom was very much like your Mom.  It felt like she was always critical when I didn't understand the criticism...I was an A-B student, graduated 6th in my class, respectful to everyone around me, never in the middle of controversy, drug free, etc...just an everyday good kid, but I always felt like my Mom picked me apart over the smallest of things...when I got engaged to Mike after YEARS of dating, my Mom's comment to me was "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" meaning she didn't approve of my choice in a husband.  When I went to college and left after the first semester, she blamed Mike...when I decided to have a big party and then elope to Key West to get married, she and I had a fallout and she never even knew when I left to get married...it was a tough time, hell, growing up was a tough time.  Now that I'm older, I think my Mom's intentions were good, though her way of approaching me with concerns sucked.  She wanted me to have better in life...she wanted me to go to college, marry a doctor, have everything in life she always wanted...it's EVERY parents dream for their kids...it's normal...

But, I got myself grounded, married, got back in to college...just concentrated on ME for a while and let her watch from afar as I "grew up".  Over time, she snuck back in to my life and in time, she was the main person in my life that helped me through infertility procedures for 6 years, two pregnancies...she has done so much for me in the last 10 years, I have come to love and appreciate her more than I ever thought I would.  I hope that she feels the same toward me; I've done my best to help her cope with her losing her husband, with all of this stuff with my sister, etc...

My point is that even though you may feel things will never get better, they indeed can, and most likely will when you least expect it.  When I got married, I was so upset with my mother, I was at the point where I honestly didn't want her in my life anymore...too many years of hurt, too much drama...but, we are very close now and we've both changed for the better.

You be you, and let your Mom be herself...try to let her know you love her always, and hopefully she'll do the same...in time, you may find that you are now very close and won't remember the days when things seemed to distant as they are now...hopefully things will get better with your Dad too...I'd imagine watching "Daddy's little girl" grow up is very hard...I know my Dad has had some tough times watching his girls grow up and in to who we are today...

I think all of these challenges in families are normal...I hope things get better for you...

 

[VaBusa]

Thanks Wag and stkr...I'll be okay...I feel better today than yesterday to be honest...I'm still questioning if what I've decided is right or not, but what's done is done and I don't plan on going back...the most I am willing to do is sit and talk to my sister rationally if she's allow it...I'm willing to listen to her, but not if she's going to yell at me...

I don't see her allow any of that, so I will just go from here and hope she realizes that she needs help on her own or with some encouragement from her husband...best I can do...

 

[ks-waterbug]

This is going to be a very stressfull situation I'm sure unfortunately for years to come... Michelle, you have to do whats right for you and yours. Dosen't mean you love your sis any less or any more! Will keep you and your family in our prayers. Time can heal most wounds, even the emotional ones (albeit these generally take the longest). Try and keep your chin up and when your sis acts out remember this saying "A Wiseman can learn more from a Fool, Than a Fool can learn from a Wiseman". She'll always be your sis and you can never change that! Love her, keep her in your prayers, and behave around her just like you would expect her to behave around you. I know that will be tough, but try and kill her with kindness... Someday she'll come around, I promise. Though I can't promise it'll be soon enough for her or you. Life is funny in that most people who act out have some underlying issue that they haven't worked out themselves. Who knows when she'll get it together or if she ever will. Just love her for being your sis and keep it on your level..

 

[VaBusa]

This is going to be a very stressfull situation I'm sure unfortunately for years to come... Michelle, you have to do whats right for you and yours. Dosen't mean you love your sis any less or any more! Will keep you and your family in our prayers. Time can heal most wounds, even the emotional ones (albeit these generally take the longest). Try and keep your chin up and when your sis acts out remember this saying "A Wiseman can learn more from a Fool, Than a Fool can learn from a Wiseman". She'll always be your sis and you can never change that! Love her, keep her in your prayers, and behave around her just like you would expect her to behave around you. I know that will be tough, but try and kill her with kindness... Someday she'll come around, I promise. Though I can't promise it'll be soon enough for her or you. Life is funny in that most people who act out have some underlying issue that they haven't worked out themselves. Who knows when she'll get it together or if she ever will. Just love her for being your sis and keep it on your level..

Thanks ks...man, I'm hoping and praying that she comes around...it does hurt that I've cut her from my life...I can't believe I've done this, yet I couldn't continue to have her treat me the way she does...the way she treats my parents is what bothers me the most. I'm not so sure they've go the resolve I have right now, but I don't what else will make her realize she needs to get some help, re-evaluate her life, her priorities...just get help...

She's slated to leave for CO tomorrow...I feel like I'll be better once she's back home and continuing her life...she needs to get away from us, not for us, but for herself...right now, I'm sure she thinks everyone's just picking on her and ganging up on her. Honestly, it's just me that's TOLD her "I'm done with this"...

 

[MrGxr]

Glad to hear you are feeling better today. They do say that time heals all wounds and I guess in a way that is true.

 

[shenoyp]

I feel your pain M!!

...I had done that as a child to my biological parents!! They really harresed me a lot... talked shid to me all the time when I went to vist them with my adoptive parents!! I've got over it now... but I know the feeling

Just for the record, im still with my adopted parents... and I love ema lot