Real Random Thoughts





busa-josh

Got Tires?
Donating Member
Registered
#1
Random Thoughts for the everyday person:


* Literally means exactly as you describe, dumby. "I can't believe
they fired me, I literally put my heart and soul into this job.." No,
no you didn't. Unless you worked at an Aztec temple and they demanded
sacrifice, you did not literally do ****.

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us".
Classy, bro.

* There's nothing as strong as the bond between two people who usually
don't like each other but have found out they share a dislike for the
same person.

* Screw you oncoming car with halogen headlights.

* When I'm stir frying and microwaving at the same time I like to
pretend I'm on Iron Chef. "Well Alton it look's like he has added the
sauce packet with only 20 seconds remaining on the microwave timer.
Let's hope he has time for plating."


* Quit calling yourself fat if you are clearly not fat. I am not going
to say you're not anymore. I'm just going to nod and make that ehhhh
kinda sound.

* Those not in a committed relationship, when was the last time you
had sex... sober?

* If I say "You're killing me, Smalls" and the person I'm talking to
looks at me with confusion and doesn't know why I've called them
Smalls, I question why I'm friends with them.

* "I heard it through the grapevine" should be replaced with "I saw it
on Facebook".

* Capri Suns never had enough juice in them.

* Quit tailgating me, I'll speed up when I finish typing this text.

* I just saw about 5 people I know at the supermarket and managed to
avoid them all. It was awesome.

* Sandwiches always taste better when someone else makes them.

* The Sunday struggle: not showering because I want to workout. Not
working out because I really don't want to.

* "Seemed like a good idea at the time" is always the right answer.

* Somehow, no matter how tired I am, going on the computer keeps me up
and alert for hours. Wish class or work had the same effect.

* They still have not found a cure for a hangover. Good luck, cancer.

* Sometimes I wonder if philosophers were actually that much smarter
than everyone else, or if they were just the only ones who remembered
to write down all the cool **** they thought of in the shower.

* I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to
show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I'm still
watching your commercial on my ****ty one.

* My mom tricks me into thinking that we are almost done with our
phone conversation by saying "alright hunnie...." and then she will go
on talking for another 20 minutes. Is that a talent specific to
mothers?

* When I have to work late, the last thing I do is send a somewhat
meaningless email to my boss, just so she knows I was in the office
until at least 7:53.

* 8am - no way am I drinking again today. 1pm - after work, I'm going
to the gym, making a healthy dinner & then having a quiet night in.
5pm - I need a drink. 10pm - how the **** did I get so wasted?


* Sometimes when you hate people, drinking makes you like them just a
little bit more.

* If you create a facebook album entitled "my babies", and the cover
shows 3 of your cats, I am never looking at your album. Ever. Same
goes for those of you who create "random pics" albums of you standing
in a mirror alone, holding up a camera. Get a life.

* I often come home wasted and attempt to watch a movie...then wake up
on the couch with the title menu playing over and over.

* If filling up the garbage can in the kitchen as much as possible
before taking out the trash was an Olympic sport, I'd be so dominant
that people would accuse me of being underage..


* In Home Depot today I saw a product called "Liquid Tape"...that
sounds an awful lot like glue....

* If I'm supposed to meet you somewhere and you call to see where I am
and I respond "I'm on my way" or "I'm almost there," I probably
haven't left my house yet. And when I have finally arrived, I will be
blaming my tardiness on traffic.

* It might look like I'm enjoying the cool music on my iPod with my
headphones on, but I'm secretly listening to your conversation.

* Back when I was in high school I used to go to sparknotes so I
wouldn't have to read the book the teacher assigned. Now as a teacher
I go to sparknotes to use their questions on my quizzes so I don't
have to read the book I assigned.

* The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should
be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the
safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

* Why is it that what seems like a perfectly acceptable volume for
your music when you get out of the car is entirely too loud when you
get back in?

* I'm 25. I've probably been using the phone since I was 3 years old.
So why is it when I go to leave someone a Voicemail, I turn into a
stuttering head trauma victim who can't string a sensible sentence
together?


* Upon finding moldy food in the fridge I am going to throw it out-
tupperware and all. It's just easier to buy new tupperware than touch,
let alone clean, that.

* I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just
imagine bulletins that say "Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly &
Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops
Himself today at 4pm." Someone out there is seeing this & says "Now
that sounds like a part for me!"

* Whenever my car makes a strange noise the solution is always turning
up the radio.


* If I show up to work an hour before my boss, I am doing whatever I
want for that hour.

* A lot. See how I added that space between the A and the Lot? Yeah,
that's supposed to be there.

* Hey eyelid twitch - thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of
looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.

* I hate when a menu item looks good, but I can't order it because it
has a cutesy name. I'm sorry, but I like myself too much to say the
words "Rootin' Tootin' Delicious Chicken Sandwich" in front of anyone
I know.

* "Don't Stop Believing" is the like "Eye of the Tiger" for drunk
people.

* "If you could get this turned in by tonight that would be great, but
really anytime next week is fine." Next Friday it is then.
.
* Whenever it's below freezing, and you see a girl walking to the bar
without a coat on, you should definitely make a move on her. You
already know she's into bad decisions.

* I think "I don't like [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey]" is actually
code for "I once puked up a ton of [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey] and
thought I was going to die."


* I'm sorry TBS, but I have a hard time believing that "House of
Payne" is America's favorite sitcom.

* I offered a round of shots for my high school friends one night and
someone suggested tequila. One of the girls there says "Oh, no tequila
seriously... last time I drank tequila I blacked out and woke up with
a boyfriend. Facebook official and everything."

* The first thing you should check when determining if you should move
into a potential apartment is whether or not your cell phone has
service all over the apartment. No coverage in the bedroom? Can't live
there.

* I have discovered that my hatred for abbreviations and anal
retentiveness for spelling has made me the best drunk texter ever.
Sure, I may be squinting out of one eye with my tongue sticking out in
complete concentration at my phone, which is one inch from my eyeball,
but you're going to understand what I'm saying, goddammit.

* How did ugly people get laid during Prohibition?

* If I don't shower within 30 minutes of working out, I'm not
showering. à very true

* I wish my office directory would also list people's relationship
status.

* I have a mild anxiety attack every time I let someone borrow
something.

* Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit
my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that. Thanks.

* Watching an entire television series on DVD makes me wonder how
people sit and wait a week - a week! - between some episodes. I'm just
so thankful that I live in this day and age.

* You know it's time to do dishes when you're drinking water from a
martini glass.

* You should get a prize just for showing up at work on crappy
weather days.


* I'm getting sick of people asking me what I want to do when I
graduate. I don't know, is drinking during the day still an option?

* You are a "haha" person or an "lol" person. Either one is fine.. but
everyone makes the choice.

* When I was driving back to school I accidentally cut someone off.
They screamed "What are you blind?" and I yelled back "No just drunk."
They kept their distance after that.

* Two guys at work were amazed by the fact that at both of their
apartment complexes they stole internet from some guy that named his
router "linksys". They couldn't believe the coincidence. I didn't have
the heart to tell them.
 

Nick7

Registered
#4
Im still kinda young... well like to think so with that being said I loved the facebook ones! and the dont stop believing... so very true everyone sings thats song while dunk when it comes on!
 
#6
* Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit
my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that. Thanks.*


my fave...hehe:cheerleader:
 

chrisjp

GM of Haya's in the Hills
Donating Member
Registered
#15
the saying its not what you say its how you say it is incorrect... in truth its not what you say OR how you say it...its how others perceive it and that you can never control. (made this up myself and wasnt in the shower... my answer to the "you cant please everyone problem")
 

BUBBA

Foghoon Leghoon
Donating Member
Registered
#16
Random Thoughts for the everyday person:


* If I say "You're killing me, Smalls" and the person I'm talking to
looks at me with confusion and doesn't know why I've called them
Smalls, I question why I'm friends with them.
.
My fav of all, if you don't know why, I can't tell you.
Bubba
 

AJAY

Registered
#17
What's your last name, Josh? I just want to know who it is in case the resume of Joshua Somebody-or-other comes across my desk.
 

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