Police Humor


Police Humor

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'


1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?You're right, we don't. Sign here.'


When the cops ask me how fast I was going. I tell them, aaaaaaaa 55? They laugh and give me a ticket.

Rev. 6:5

One of the funniest stories I've heard in this profession goes like this.....

Women, particularly the attractive ones, will do some pretty provocative things to get out of tickets. Over the years I've seen my fair share of breasts and..........err, lower regions. I always write women when they do this, but it doesn't stop them from trying. The biggest offenders are strippers. Anyway, enough background......

One of our old crusty officers, who has seen more than his fair share of body parts on traffic stops, walks up to a particular violator's car and sees that it is driven by a very beautiful, very largely breasted woman. She has her top pulled down to show so much cleavage that you could see the tops of her areolas. Without skipping a beat, the officer says, "Ma'am, you can put your tits away, you're still getting a ticket."


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