Funny quotes from court rooms

Charlesbusa

Used to be a SoCal Busa
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These were emailed to me, haven't seen them before so I thought I'd pass them along
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
_

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
_
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
_
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
_
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


And for this they make 135K per year plus bonuses? [/QUOTE]
 
<span style='font-size:13pt;line-height:100%'>Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:</span>

In a trial, a Southern small town Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense Attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The Defense Attorney almost died. The Judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards ask that ##### if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
 
Last one the best--"Brain is sitting in a jar on my desk--Yes, It is possible he could still have been alive and practicing law"!!! LMAO
 
<span style='font-size:13pt;line-height:100%'>Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:</span>

In a trial, a Southern small town Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense Attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The Defense Attorney almost died. The Judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards ask that ##### if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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