Friday jokes 2006aug11

BiG-T

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One of my team members appends a "joke" to the bottom of his weekly reports. (I think he's trying to distract me from the fact that he doesn't do any work)  I thought I'd share.  These are some oldies:

The Blonde Detectives

         Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"  The blondes all nodded.
         The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
         So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,â€￾ he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"  The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.  The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"  "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!"  The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.  The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
         The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."  The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"  The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"


Two kids at school begin to argue about whose parents are better.  â€œMy dad is stronger!â€￾ argues the first kid.  â€œNo my dad is stronger!â€￾ replies the second one.  â€œMy dad can lift a truck!â€￾ says the first kid.  â€œOh yeah, well my dad can lift a house!â€￾ yells the second.  
    “Well my mom is better than your mom!â€￾ shouts the first kid.  The second child replies “…..Yeah that’s what my dad says too!â€￾

<span style='color:red'>The following contains drawn cartoon nudity and is not considered work safe:</span>
Move the mouse over the characters in this link:
http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf


    Indians attack a wagon train heading west.  They capture a ventriloquist and take him back to their village to torture.  The ventriloquist tells the chief that he is a great medicine man and that he should not kill him.  The chief being a skeptical man gives the ventriloquist a chance to prove himself.
    The ventriloquist walks up to a dog and asks “how do you like it here?â€￾  The dog replies “I like it very much.  The big chief takes me on long walks and lets me hunt with him.â€￾  The chief and his villagers are stunned.  Next, the ventriloquist approaches a horse and asks “How have you been treated?â€￾  The horse replies “The people here practically worship me.  I am fed well, I have plenty to eat, and there is enough land that I can run forever!â€￾  
    At this point the chief and his followers are greatly impressed.  The ventriloquist not wanting to be killed walks up to a sheep and asks “How does the chief treat you?â€￾ Just then the chief busts through the crowd screaming “No talk to sheep…..Sheep lie!  Sheep Lie!â€￾
 
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