Come on!  post some jokes!

WWJD

Donating Member
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There's usually at least a COUPLE jokes posted up here when I visit on morning break... are ya gonna make me WORK for it? SHEEESH! Post up your jokes threads. we all love them.... "Women see this, men say that" "Guy walks into a Kawasaki dealer with a Piano on his head...." etc etc etc. Come on! I'm dieing here!

NEED HUMOR NOW!!! MORE MORE!!

Family Guy DVDs are great but I can't watch them at work really

Help me out ..... dieing..... need [cough] humor.... [cough gag]

I'll check back after lunch
 
FINE!

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from this thought:

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve ( the first children ). And the First thing He said was:

"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?"
"Hey, Eve... We got forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God,
Wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
 
A guy is having a drink
in a bar.

A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says,
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies,
"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;
she's an ex-pro wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde
who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs.,
and she's a kick boxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second
then says;
"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!
 
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A guy is having a drink
in a bar.

A lot of drinks.
A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says,
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies,
"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.
The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;
she's an ex-pro wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde
who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs.,
and she's a kick boxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second
then says;
"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it  three  times."!
That one was worth a chuckle
 
welcome to the time out corner... as soon as Michelle sees that you'll need to pull up a comfy chair... you might be here a bit
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She would only be offended if she FIT the stereo type. Are YOU saying she does? ? ?
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Cuz I don't say that
 
This one is old, and bad, but it's so old and bad that it's funny.

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve strings in this bar - Hit the road!"

The string walks out, ties himself in a knot, frays one of his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you that string that I just threw out?"

The string pauses and says....




















"Nope, I'm a frayed knot"



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Ok - here's a better one.

Bartender finally cuts off a patron who is particularly drunk.  The drunks begs for just one more beer.  The bartender says, "Ok I'll make you a deal.  I'll give you three jobs to do, and if you get them all done, I'll give you free drinks for the rest of the night."

The drunk is very anxious to take the bartender up on this deal and agrees.

"OK - job number one.  See that big, burly, biker over there?  He's been causing trouble in here for awhile.  I want him thrown out.  Second job - See that really good looking blonde over there?  Guys have been hitting on her for weeks with no success - you have to take her to bed.  Third job - In the back room is my pitbull, Satan.  He has an abcessed tooth that is so painful that he hasn't been able to eat for 4 days and the Vet can't get near him to pull it.  The poor dog is crazed from hunger and pain.  Pull his tooth.  Think you can handle these jobs?"

Drunk says, "No problem!" and heads out the front door.  He comes back in a few minutes later with a tire iron, walks up behind the biker, and with no warning at all, knocks him cold with the iron, and drags him out of the bar.

He heads into the back room and as soon as the door closes behind him, the bar goes silent as they listen to the snarling, screaming, and general commotion.  The patrons can hear bodies banging off the walls, then a loud yelp, then quiet.  The drunk emerges a few minutes later, his clothes in tatters, blood streaming from open wounds, he is out of breath as he asks, "Ok, now where is that blonde with the abcessed tooth?"



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An Englishman, a Texan and a Polak are lost in the Nevada desert. After days without water or food they come upon a lamp half buried in the sand. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since they all rubbed the lamp the genie grants each one a single wish.

The Texan goes first and wishes to be transported back to his house where his pool was filled with beautiful women. The genie claps his hands and the Texan vanishes in a flash of light.

The Englisman wishes to be transported back to his house where he knows his wife will be eagerly awaiting him. Once again the Genie claps his hands and the Englishman vanishes.

The Polak sits down and thinks about what he should wish for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he promptly wishes that the Texan and the Englishman were back.
 
It's just impossssssible, to put a cadillac in your nose....it's just imposssssssivble!
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Drunk guy at a bar sees his wife at the other end, goes up to her and says, "Hi honey, how's it going?"
The women turns around and says, I'm not your honey"
The guy says, "Sorry, you look like my wife"
The women says, "Get away from me you drunk piece of shid!"
The guy says, "Jeez, now you're starting to sound like her!"
 
Courtesy of the Welchman on ZZR1200.NET;
Quiz questions and answers:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

! STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wapp! at: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No
 
This guy goes to the optomitrist and while getting examined he's told " you have to quit masturbating!" The guy says "what, am I going blind?" No, but you're upsetting my other clients!
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Ok do you know George Carlin?:

> COWS
> Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our Government can
> track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right down to the stall
> where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they can track her calves
> to their stalls. However, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
> aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
>
>
> CONSTITUTION
> They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
> for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
>
> TEN COMMANDMENTS
> The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
> You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"
> and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and
> politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
>
>
> And Last, but not least...
>
>
> George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart...
> "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe
> Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden, too, but they take the
> one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and
haul her ass off to jail."
 
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