A little monday morning humor


Devious

Onward through the Fog
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A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask and still heavily sedated from a difficult
four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know,
sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles up to his elbows and asks again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may cause complications from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and slowly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,
takes his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them that I can see, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her
weakly and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely:

"A r e ... m y ... t e s t ... r e s u l t s ... b a ck ?"




The Camel

A new 2nd Lieutenant was transferred from West Point to an outpost in Iraq.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.
He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way  
from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The lieutenant said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After the lieutenant had been at the base for about 6 months, he could not stand it any more, so he told his Sargent,
"BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the his quarters.
The lieutenant got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied,
"Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town




Plane captain monkey...

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Senior Chief from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the Senior Chief, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The Senior Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a maintenance monkey. He scored 95 on the ASVAB test, can rig aircraft flight controls, and perform the duties of any Maintenance Officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expens ive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a 'Maintenance Supervisor' monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the DET, intermediate, and Depot level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$100,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dikk, but his papers say he's a pilot!"



<!--EDIT|Devious
Reason for Edit: None given...|1156763508 -->
 

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