21 yr marrage ruined by her affair !!!
- Thread starter BIKE DUDE
- Start date
sorry to hear about your situation. Follow your heart. I've been there. Your kids will be fine either way. Just make sure you let them know it's now about them. It'll work itself out one way or another. I ended up divorcing mine and keeping the kids.
Last edited:
This is good advice, it would help to get a statement from the counselor also indicating that she admitted to an affair. You need to have her served with papers 1st.
Prayers sent brother . I went through this years ago ( only married for 13 years then ) I go tout after the second time . I hate to say it but once a cheater always a cheater . And I do believe that in the bible , infidelity is a reason to devorce. I hope you don't think your kids will be better with the two of you living together without love .
Wow, first, you need to look out for yourself...if that means counseling and a visit to the doc for some meds...you can benefit greatly from antidepressants, to remove the incredibly tough emotional part of this so you can just think clearly again...
I am surrounded by divorce, my parents split when I was a pre-teen...I can offer two things - be strong for your kids, letting them know how important they are and that this is nothing that they did nor should they ever feel caught in the middle. Two, take care of yourself. If you can't function, you can't be Dad to those kids, you can't make the important decisions heading your way. Most men would hate the thought of taking drugs to level out the emotions, but trust me, your body responds in ways that you cannot control, and there is a time and place for help from a doctor so you can move from the spot you're in right now, start moving forward...
The ins and outs of what's going on in your life are only things you and your wife can cope with...keep yourself up high because from the outside looking in, you deserve to be treated better, you deserve more respect and I don't know that you'd ever fully trust her again even if she came crawling back to you...just look out for YOU and your kids...
I promise, it will get better...
I am surrounded by divorce, my parents split when I was a pre-teen...I can offer two things - be strong for your kids, letting them know how important they are and that this is nothing that they did nor should they ever feel caught in the middle. Two, take care of yourself. If you can't function, you can't be Dad to those kids, you can't make the important decisions heading your way. Most men would hate the thought of taking drugs to level out the emotions, but trust me, your body responds in ways that you cannot control, and there is a time and place for help from a doctor so you can move from the spot you're in right now, start moving forward...
The ins and outs of what's going on in your life are only things you and your wife can cope with...keep yourself up high because from the outside looking in, you deserve to be treated better, you deserve more respect and I don't know that you'd ever fully trust her again even if she came crawling back to you...just look out for YOU and your kids...
I promise, it will get better...
VaBusa Makes a point. I didn't like it, but I got so depressed that I did, for a while, take an antidepressant. I really didn't like it because it left me unable to feel much of anything (dulled it all), but it did help me get past the really rough spots and I got off it fairly quickly.
Max Speed
Registered
Things like this are not easy, your heart is ripped in two. My wife and I got married young I was 19 and she was 18. There was no baby on the way, we just wanted to get married. We dated in high school and wanted to be together. Love was hot a we could not get enough of each other. We had poor jobs but had the idea that two bad jobs between the two of us were as good as one good job. One year later or son was born and two years later our daughter. I needed more money to make things work out for us so I got an extra job.
I was young and who needs sleep right? Here is where our problems started... I thought Sue knew how much I loved her, after all I married her right? I was working two jobs to make ends meet some what. I was doing it for us... all of us...
One day I get a bomb dropped on me... Sue told me that she was thinking of leaving me. I was told there was no one else... I had a friend that Sue would listen to and I went to him for help. He was a priest and good friend to both of us, I talked to him and headed back to the house, he said he would be there soon. When I walked into my house the phone was ringing so I answered. It was my wife's boss's wife calling she told me that her husband had been on the floor playing with the baby and Sue had called. Her husband stood up and said I can't stay here loving Sue and walked out of the house.
I thought I was in a dream and my world came crashing down. I was reduced to being on my knees crying in front of my wife asking for another chance. Sue told me she would give me that chance but stated that she thought I had quit loving her. Her boss knowing I was working so many hours had started telling her how good she looked. He took her out for coffee and wormed his way into her heart, because he knew I was working too much to give Sue full attention. Someone was paying more attention to her and Sue started falling for him. Sue told me she would need an hour to meet up with him to tell him to go back to his wife. It was tough but I let her go, I had to or things would never work out it was a chance i had to take.
The hour went on and on, 4 hours passed and Sue was not back, I was going nuts. I dropped my kids off at a friends and went looking for my wife and that guy. I took my 357mag with me and a box of ammo. I had no intention of hurting Sue but that guy was going to be toast... Sue had told me she was going to meet him at a pizza shop so I took a phone book and started going from shop to shop. I went to every shop but one, I had a thought she may be back at home waiting for me so I went home.
Gods hand saved me and that other guy that night... Sue and him were at that pizza shop, Sue had been keeping her word and was fighting for him to go back to his wife.
I had problems for some time after that I would go to work and find tire tracks in the snow at my house. He would keep showing up asking Sue to leave with him. I had trust issues with Sue for a long time. But I learned an important lesson out of this that has help my marriage last and get stronger.
First off let me say that all this happened 30 years ago and this summer Sue and I will have been married 34 years. Never work so much that you have no time for your family. In this world its tough but you have to make some time. Never go a day with out showing and telling your wife you love her. Don't assume they know. And it the small things that count, open a door for her, make the bed some times. Give her a day off by cleaning the house and cooking dinner.
Now I know for some people this will not work and things have gone too far to get it back the way it was. And yes I did hang out my laundry for all to see but were family here and if I can get one person to think and turn some things around at home and make it better. Its worth it.
I can say that may life would have been much different if I would have found them that night. I would have destroyed my life and the lives of so many people around me. Who knows how may years I would have spent in jail and that dumb act would not have kept my wife with me. Years have gone by and I'm not that young hot head anymore. My marriage is strong and Sue and I do everything together, and we still can't get enough of each other. When I ride my Busa or the B-King Sue is right there on her Bandit 1200S.
I know how lucky I am.. and it all comes down to a little time, and communication and giving respect and treating her as an equal.
I know this will not help everyone but think guys.... could you turn it around? Are the trees in the way so to speak? Back then they were for me and I never saw it coming...
I was young and who needs sleep right? Here is where our problems started... I thought Sue knew how much I loved her, after all I married her right? I was working two jobs to make ends meet some what. I was doing it for us... all of us...
One day I get a bomb dropped on me... Sue told me that she was thinking of leaving me. I was told there was no one else... I had a friend that Sue would listen to and I went to him for help. He was a priest and good friend to both of us, I talked to him and headed back to the house, he said he would be there soon. When I walked into my house the phone was ringing so I answered. It was my wife's boss's wife calling she told me that her husband had been on the floor playing with the baby and Sue had called. Her husband stood up and said I can't stay here loving Sue and walked out of the house.
I thought I was in a dream and my world came crashing down. I was reduced to being on my knees crying in front of my wife asking for another chance. Sue told me she would give me that chance but stated that she thought I had quit loving her. Her boss knowing I was working so many hours had started telling her how good she looked. He took her out for coffee and wormed his way into her heart, because he knew I was working too much to give Sue full attention. Someone was paying more attention to her and Sue started falling for him. Sue told me she would need an hour to meet up with him to tell him to go back to his wife. It was tough but I let her go, I had to or things would never work out it was a chance i had to take.
The hour went on and on, 4 hours passed and Sue was not back, I was going nuts. I dropped my kids off at a friends and went looking for my wife and that guy. I took my 357mag with me and a box of ammo. I had no intention of hurting Sue but that guy was going to be toast... Sue had told me she was going to meet him at a pizza shop so I took a phone book and started going from shop to shop. I went to every shop but one, I had a thought she may be back at home waiting for me so I went home.
Gods hand saved me and that other guy that night... Sue and him were at that pizza shop, Sue had been keeping her word and was fighting for him to go back to his wife.
I had problems for some time after that I would go to work and find tire tracks in the snow at my house. He would keep showing up asking Sue to leave with him. I had trust issues with Sue for a long time. But I learned an important lesson out of this that has help my marriage last and get stronger.
First off let me say that all this happened 30 years ago and this summer Sue and I will have been married 34 years. Never work so much that you have no time for your family. In this world its tough but you have to make some time. Never go a day with out showing and telling your wife you love her. Don't assume they know. And it the small things that count, open a door for her, make the bed some times. Give her a day off by cleaning the house and cooking dinner.
Now I know for some people this will not work and things have gone too far to get it back the way it was. And yes I did hang out my laundry for all to see but were family here and if I can get one person to think and turn some things around at home and make it better. Its worth it.
I can say that may life would have been much different if I would have found them that night. I would have destroyed my life and the lives of so many people around me. Who knows how may years I would have spent in jail and that dumb act would not have kept my wife with me. Years have gone by and I'm not that young hot head anymore. My marriage is strong and Sue and I do everything together, and we still can't get enough of each other. When I ride my Busa or the B-King Sue is right there on her Bandit 1200S.
I know how lucky I am.. and it all comes down to a little time, and communication and giving respect and treating her as an equal.
I know this will not help everyone but think guys.... could you turn it around? Are the trees in the way so to speak? Back then they were for me and I never saw it coming...
Last edited:
Projekt
Registered
Max - GOOD FOR YOU. Mine was my next door neighbor with 3 kids of his own. The only thing that kept me from killing him outright was that my daughter needed a dad who would not be in prison and that his kids needed their dad too (no matter what a PoS his was) - I was THIS close. I also worked my tail off, thinking in my mind that by doing so I was expressing my committment to my wife and family. And then some other PoS shows up, saying nice stuff, and my wife bought it (for a while). Like I said, your story and mine don't happen very often. Women don't understand that a Man thinks he's showing love and committment by providing - they'd rather be broke and us at home.
I still think if 'I could get my hands on him'. I hope something bad happens to him some day (karma); if so, I swear I'll piss on his grave for interfering in my family.
I still think if 'I could get my hands on him'. I hope something bad happens to him some day (karma); if so, I swear I'll piss on his grave for interfering in my family.
I don't even know what to say. My prayers are with you and I hope you can get things resolved in the best way for all.
Wow, thanks for the reality check MAX and skydivr.
I work 12 sometimes 14 hour days because I am the one providing for the two of us.
She's mad at me all the time for working and I try to explain that I'm doing it for us, that I HAVE TO WORK, because she doesn't make much.
While I know there is no one else (so far) our relationship is very much strained.
I don't see a way out of this situation. I can't see myself working less.
We aren't married. Am I being selfish, do I let her go to find someone who can balance home and work more than I can now?
I don't want to jack this thread, so feel free to PM (max or sky or anyone) if you've been there...
I work 12 sometimes 14 hour days because I am the one providing for the two of us.
She's mad at me all the time for working and I try to explain that I'm doing it for us, that I HAVE TO WORK, because she doesn't make much.
While I know there is no one else (so far) our relationship is very much strained.
I don't see a way out of this situation. I can't see myself working less.
We aren't married. Am I being selfish, do I let her go to find someone who can balance home and work more than I can now?
I don't want to jack this thread, so feel free to PM (max or sky or anyone) if you've been there...
Max Speed
Registered
Work but keep your eyes and ears open and make sure you talk. Not talk with the TV on or people around, just one on one time. Help her to understand how you feel and what your goals are. If you two can't talk heart to heart and let your thoughts and feeling be known and show each other how much you care for each other... And if you can't give a little for her (time) you will grow apart and it will not work... Good luck to you both wharthog3, if there is no giving or on both sides its time to walk away.
PS: the reason she is with you is because she wants to be around you. If your not there some of the time. There is always someone that wants what you have and will make a move for it..
PS: the reason she is with you is because she wants to be around you. If your not there some of the time. There is always someone that wants what you have and will make a move for it..
Wharthog3, I sure as hell am not good one for giving advice, but what seems to have worked for me is, when you come home, BE home (mind and spirit). She just needs to connect with you a LITTLE each day; makes alot of difference. Turn off the TV, GET OFF THE .ORG and just go sit down with her for a little while. Everybody has rough patches; it's how you deal with them that counts. Just put the mouse down and go find her and tell her that.
P.S. While I still work my tail off, I don't bring work home anymore, and I try to limit the time I spend here at night (she's in shower right now and I get some time after she goes to sleep sometimes). Good luck.
Max, if I ever do get to that day, it's gonna be a private thing between ME and HIM.
P.S. While I still work my tail off, I don't bring work home anymore, and I try to limit the time I spend here at night (she's in shower right now and I get some time after she goes to sleep sometimes). Good luck.
Max, if I ever do get to that day, it's gonna be a private thing between ME and HIM.
Similar threads
