Why Teachers Drink

gurrera

Registered
Why Teachers Drink..........
> ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?
>
> GED TEST
>
> The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
> These are genuine answers (from 16 year-olds)............and they WILL
> breed
>
> Q. Name the four seasons
> A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
>
> Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
> A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
> pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
>
> Q. How is dew formed
> A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
>
> Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
> A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends
> to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
> abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
>
> Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
> A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
>
> Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
> A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
>
> Q. What are steroids
> A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now ,
> there is little hope)
>
> Q.. What happens to your body as you age
> A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
>
> Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
> A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So
> true)
>
> Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
> A. Premature death
>
> Q. What is artificial insemination
> A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
>
> Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
> A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
>
> Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
> A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
> abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
> heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,
> I,O,U..
>
> Q. What is the fibula?
> A. A small lie
>
> Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
> A. Nearby
>
> Q. What is the most common form of birth control
> A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That
> would work)
>
> Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
> A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
>
> Q. What is a seizure?
> A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
>
> Q. What is a terminal illness
> A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
>
> Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
> A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
> umbrellas
>
> Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
> meaning
> A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
>
> Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
> A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
>
> Q. What is a turbine?
> A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head



Gurrera
 
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.






The Old Man's Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
Update : DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
 
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