Post up your funniest JOKES!!!

Mrs.Rubber2Burn

The Diet Coke of Evil!!!
Donating Member
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I know we have the "Yo Momma" jokes thread going, but I thought it would be fun to start up a thread where you post your funniest jokes.

My workday can get really stressful, and on occassion BORING!! The entertainment will be appreciated!!

So Let's Start
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!!

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Okay Oms, I'll help you out here

A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks "Do you got any duck food?"

The bartender looks at the duck and says "No, get out of here"

So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back and goes to the bartender and asks "Got any duck food?"

The bartender looks at him and says "No, now get the $%*& out of here or I will nail your feet to the bar!"

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks up to the bartender and asks "You got any nails?"

Bartender says "No?"

Duck says "Got any duck food?"

That is the wife's favorite
 
Blonde went to the doctor with a large burn mark on each side of her face. The doctor asked what happened? The blonde answered "well, I was ironing and the phone rang. I accidentally put the iron to my ear and burned myself."

The doctor said that explains one side but what happened on the other side?

The blonde answered "They called back."
 
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.
 
Blonde jokes:

What do you call 5 blondes in a circle?

A dope ring

What do you call 5 blondes in a freezer?

Frosted flakes

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

They are both full from the neck down

What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?

There has been occasional sightings of bigfoot

How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?

There is white out all over the screen
 
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
 
Wife laying in bed when her husband, with a sheep under his arm, walks in.

Husband says:
"Honey, this is the pig I have to have sex with when you have a headache."

Wife says:
"You idiot. I think you'll find that's a sheep."

Husband says:
"...and I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
 
OK  OK   OK

A man is driving his car
      and he runs over a cat
He feels real bad so he goes to the house and knocks
      a woman answers and he tells her "I ran over your cat"
She asks him "How do you know it's my cat?"
      "well, it ran out of your yard." he says.
"Well, what did it look like?" she asks.
      "Uhm...like this."

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Wife laying in bed when her husband, with a sheep under his arm, walks in.

Husband says:  
"Honey, this is the pig I have to have sex with when you have a headache."

Wife says:
"You idiot.  I think you'll find that's a sheep."

Husband says:
"...and I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
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That ones making the rounds!

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Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: what is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy!
 
Husband and wife are laying in bed when the husband lets one rip. He throws his arms up and yells "Field goal good!"

The wife, not to be outdone, lets one go herself, even bigger than his and yells "Touchdown!"

The husband not wanting to be beat out by his wife starts trying for the big one. Grunting and pushing he craps the bed. Then yells "half time, switch sides!"

I know....
 
OK guys - since you went "there" with the blonde jokes...
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
 
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