Today's jokes

bigjohn141

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Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in
the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jeffers! on appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,
"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says,
"Go to the Theater".
 
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man´s head.

The wife shouted, "Don´t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
This man paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I´d cover his @$$ up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
 
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--Wag--

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Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning In Bozeman, Montana to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.


He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!"
 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. So huge that the small guy can't help but stare. Finally, the big guy looks down at him, smiles and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d!ck, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." Hearing this, the small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
"What's wrong?"
"Excuse me, but what did you say?"
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d!ck, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
"Thank God. I thought you said, 'turn around'."
 
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunken
man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know
what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a Double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
 
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' &'My Life' by Bill Clinton.



One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:.... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing
 
I want to live my next life backwards:

 

First You start out dead and get that out of the way.



 Then you wake up in an old age home feeling       better every day.



 Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.



 Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.



 Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.



 You work 40 years until you're too young to work.



 You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.



 Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.



 Then you become a baby, and then...



 You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions "“

central heating, room service on tap, and then...



 You finish off as an orgasm.



 I rest my case.
 
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? The canoe will tip occasionally.
 
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, that were highschool friends met up in mexico for a college graduation cellabration/ reunion. They were having a great time, and thus partied too much. When they woke up, they found themselves in jail. According to the jailer, thier crimes were punishable by death by the electric chair. First up was the brunette. They strapped her in and asked her if she had anything to say. She replied " I graduated with honors from Texas Christian University and I believe in devine intervention to save me." With that said, they threw the switch... nothing happened, so as the rules go, she was released. Next was the red head, and after she was strapped in and asked the same question, she replied " I graduated top of my class from Harvard, and I have faith in the judicial system to declare my innocence and spare me." The executioner threw the switch... and once again, nothing, so she too, was released. When it was the blonde's turn, she exclaimed " I graduated from Texas A&M as an electrical engineer, and y'all are a bunch of dumba$$es. This chair will never work unless y'all plug it in!"
 
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets
closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small
boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has
it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish
Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis
absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long
has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh,
Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
 
Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe "Who the hell are you?"￾ Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"￾.

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter"￾. Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.. you've got to send me back straight away"￾.

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."￾ Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad"￾ he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"￾ "It's not so bad"￾ replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode"￾. "You're ovulating"￾ explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"￾. "Never"￾ replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"￾

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him. ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ,

"Brian, wake up you drunken b**tard, you're sh*tting on the bed."￾
 
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