Give us your best one liners ...

[Kento-Moto]

Keep em clean and lets see some short funnies

- One time, the police stopped me for speeding, and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long." - Steven Wright

- My last Dr.s visit I told him " Doc , it really hurts when I do this ... " Doc said " Dont do that." - Henny Youngman

- I got a call from my Dr today, He said " I have terrible news and worse news ... " Whats the Terrible news 1st?," I said. He says's " Well I'm sorry to say you only have 24 hrs to live... " OMG! Whats the worser news? ... " Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday!" - unknown

- One night, I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright

 

[zukracer]

A sig file from the CIO of a major newspaper in the western US actually used this for quite some time....

"Your proctologist called, they have found your head"

 

[wardie]

My doctor after having me get on then off the scale said I had the perfect weight..... proudly I said oh that's great... my doctor yeah the perfect weight if you were 6'9"

So I'm at the club breakfast and there's a new waitress and she's oriental. So I tell the guys watch this. For the next ten minutes I'm hitting on her finally when I say..so what do you say are we going out tonight? She raises her hand and points to the ring and says...I married, I married..I say hey that's great me too...me too! Then she says I'm a bad man? LOL

 

[Ranger]

So I say to the doc;
" Doc, I'm so fat i cant see my winkey when I go pee!" He says " well you need to diet". I said "well what color is it now??"

Get it diet<-->dye it

 

[BUBBA]

I am not a Pessimist, I am an Optimist with a backup plan. - 1994 Bubba

 

[Chief RoadLoK]

Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.

 

[PaceMaster]

TRUE!! Boss said last year {quote} Suck up or turn in you term paper.
To be fair just yesterday he had written Thanks Ralph--good job

 

[m_ridgeway]

Construction field-
When something goes wrong
"You'll get that on these big jobs."

"People in glass houses sink ships"

What's the last thing batman said to robin before they got in the batmobile????















Get in.

Kneeslapper eh?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[omslaw]

Confucius say: "Man who stand in front of car get tired...Man who stand in rear of car get exhausted."

Confucius say: "Man who stand on toilet...high on pot."

 

[GSXTacy]

When the inmates complain that the cuffs are on to tight, I tell them "give it a minute there new cuffs, they will loosen up in a few!" That buys me a little bit of silence while they think about it.

 

[BIG GUY]

 

[Kento-Moto]

My Dad gets me with this one alot...

I'm tellin a story ..." so i was over at my firends house last night and " Dad interupts with " You got Friends? " ???

 

[dalaster88]

Blue Collar...

So Im on the side of the road, my cars broke down, and smokes coming out of the engine. A guy stops and rolls his window down and ask if Ive broke down. I tell him nah, my cars just taking a smoke break... heres your sign

 

[twotonevert]

Because I am mad at work right now,

You cant polish a turd.......

 

[zukracer]

Because I am mad at work right now,

You cant polish a turd.......

I think that one often mixed with "you can put lipstick on a pig but..."

 

[Vonderbach]

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

Mitch Hedberg