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Thread: Idiot lawyers

  1. #1
    Professional Pilot BUSA CRUSEN's Avatar
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    Default Idiot lawyers

    IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you **itting me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  2. #2
    S4L
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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers



    Hard to believe some of these are true

  3. #3
    Hayabusa Immortal

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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    Who needs reality TV

    Name is Manny

  4. #4
    Seasoned Beef


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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    Robert

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    On a Steel Horse I ride.

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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    If you're not living close to the edge, then you're taking up too much space.
    Fast is easy. Quick is hard.

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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    Moving to the Playground for Housekeeping. Very funny stuff right there.
    Do you know God? http://www.lifechurch.tv/



    Its a Jeep thing, you wouldnt understand!

  7. #7
    Call me Liberace!
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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    that's why they need video in EVERY court, just for stuff like that. can you imagine the blooper reel?
    Thankful for his Friends...

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  8. #8
    likes to pass cars
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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    oh man- thats just beautiful!!

    i gotta get that book...


    and heres one for ya:

    Q: whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    A: one is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish!
    "That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"- Friedrich Nietzsche

    "Got BACON??"- some guy on a red/black busa

  9. #9
    JUST CRUISN '


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    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    I think that the only way we transcend the inevitability of being " Dust In The Wind " is the impact we leave on others after we are gone. To be Human is to recognize the necessity of interaction and the ability to affect one person's life with the smallest behavior . What we do echos throughout time, And while we may be forgotten, What is Today is only possible because of Yesterday !

  10. #10
    BLACK is back!
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    Default

    Lol!!!

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