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Thread: Idiot lawyers

  1. #1
    Professional Pilot BUSA CRUSEN's Avatar
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    Sep 2010
    Enumclaw, WA

    Default Idiot lawyers


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you **itting me?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  2. #2
    Professional Pilot S4L's Avatar
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    Jun 2010
    Richmond, VA

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    Hard to believe some of these are true

  3. #3

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    Who needs reality TV

    Name is Manny

  4. #4

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers


  5. #5
    On a Steel Horse I ride.

    BusaWizard's Avatar
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    Dec 2005
    Kansas City, Mo.

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    If you're not living close to the edge, then you're taking up too much space.
    Fast is easy. Quick is hard.

  6. #6
    Member of P.E.A.
    twotonevert's Avatar
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    Aug 2007
    Tehachapi CA

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    Moving to the Playground for Housekeeping. Very funny stuff right there.
    Do you know God?

    Its a Jeep thing, you wouldnt understand!

  7. #7
    Call me Liberace!
    ogre's Avatar
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    May 2009
    The Northwest

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    that's why they need video in EVERY court, just for stuff like that. can you imagine the blooper reel?
    Thankful for his Friends...

    2006 Raiment White Hayabusa
    Lumen Junkie in Residence
    Why retros are safer than HID kits

  8. #8
    likes to pass cars
    busabeast's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Florence, SC

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    oh man- thats just beautiful!!

    i gotta get that book...

    and heres one for ya:

    Q: whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    A: one is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish!
    "That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"- Friedrich Nietzsche

    "Got BACON??"- some guy on a red/black busa

  9. #9

    Default Re: Idiot lawyers

    I think that the only way we transcend the inevitability of being " Dust In The Wind " is the impact we leave on others after we are gone. To be Human is to recognize the necessity of interaction and the ability to affect one person's life with the smallest behavior . What we do echos throughout time, And while we may be forgotten, What is Today is only possible because of Yesterday !

  10. #10



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